My Saving Grace

October 2, 2013

Trigger warning: same old same old, suicidal thoughts mentioned!

Before Scott knew it he found himself in the chair by the desk in the therapists office again. He had the notebook clutched between his fingertips, his fingers rapping against the front cover. "Scott, how are you today?" Lisa asked, her usual smile on her face.

"I feel... anxious." Scott breathed. He had been worrying about this all day. He knew she would read what he had written but didn't know how she would react.

"Are you going to go into an attack or are you alright?" Lisa asked, he face becoming serious.

"No, I'm fi- I'm good." Scott corrected himself. Lisa nodded and smiled again.

"Can I see your notebook?" She asked, reaching out her hand. Scott nodded and handed her the book. She opened to the first page and raised her eyebrows when she saw that there was a full page of writing. This kid was going to be easy to work with, she thought.

She began to read through the words on the page:
You know everything Alex tells you is a lie, right? He doesn't really love you and he'll leave before long. And you'll die alone because no one will ever love you! Even Mitch is just using you to pay half the rent.
You are weak for getting help. So weak. You can't even fix yourself you idiot. You have to rely on other people to help. And they won't help. I'll always be here in the back of your head. Until one day you snap and actually kill yourself.
You should have killed yourself that day. Jumped. You should of jumped in front of Alex.
You contemplated breaking him you know? He would of been devastated to see you kill yourself. You would have put him through what you're going through right now! You sick bastard!
Now look, you're having an anxiety attack! In a public toilet. What shred of dignity do you have left! None I bet. You should be ashamed of yourself! You useless piece of crap!

She looked up to see Scott biting his lip. "These thoughts happened over how long of a time span?" She asked, closing the notebook and placing it down on the desk.

"About an hour. When I was out shopping." Scott said, looking down at his lap in shame.

"Scott, look at me." Lisa said. Scott looked up. "This is nothing to be ashamed of. This is not you! I'm not saying you can't help it because you can. But that's what you're here for, to help it, to stop it!" She stated as he nodded.

She stood and began to walk over to the bookshelf. She picked up a loose page and a CD case. Scott watched her, slightly confused. "Tell me. What's Alex like?" Lisa asked. Her aim was to ease Scott's anxiety. She saw how his eyes lit up when he talked about him the other day.

"Um... There's so much to tell. He's tall, like me and has light brown hair which he styles in a quiff with the sides of his head shaved. He has... Um... these light brown, milk chocolate eyes, that I can get lost in easier than I can get lost in a grocery store. His face is chiseled, with a sharp jaw line, that could almost cut paper... ha ha... He has an insane obsession with Taylor Swift! Like really insane. More insane than my obsession with Beyoncé! Which is hard to come by." As Scott described everything about Alex he felt himself relax. Completely.

Lisa listened tentatively as she figured out which CD was the right one. She could hear the sparkle in his voice and knew he was smiling even though she wasn't facing him.

"And I love him more than anything in the world! Which is weird because I thought the day I found someone that I loved and that loved me everything would go away. But it hasn't. It hasn't changed anything." Scott finished.

Lisa turned and smiled at him. "He sounds like a very nice person. Now I've got something for you." She took the piece of paper and placed it inside the notebook and placed it back down again. She then held up the CD.

"For your homework I would like you to put this in your laptop and listen to whichever track relaxes you the most. When you feel anxious or sad or angry listen to that track. Then write down in your notebook how it changes your thoughts." Lisa explained placing the CD on top of the notebook and pushing it across the desk.

"Can I ask a question?" Scott asked after a small silence. Lisa nodded and he took a deep breath before continuing. "Why is this happening to me?" He asked.

"There is no real explanation to why depression happens to people. You just need to know that it's not your fault going through this." Lisa explained smiling. "I would like you to come back on Saturday. But to a group session. I think you'll benefit from hearing other people's stories and maybe even make some friends!"

Scott nodded and began to stand, taking his notebook. "Thank you Lisa. Last time I was a bit sceptical to how this was going to help me but I think this may be a good thing."

"You're welcome, Scott. It's my pleasure. Here's my number. If you need me, call me. No matter what time of day I'll be here!" She said, handing Scott a card with a number on it.

"Thank you. See you on Saturday." He waved her goodbye and walked out of the door and to his car. Alex went to work today and so he was on his own. He settled back into his seat and opened the notebook to see a sheet of paper. He took it into his hands and began to read.

"52 reasons to stay alive
1) Have you ever smiled at a baby on public transport and then they've smiled back? Yeah, you have to admit that's something to be happy about.
2) Having your favourite food. Imagine having 10 plates of your favourite food, I mean you could do that if you really wanted to.
3) To remember hilarious (and even cringe) memories.
4) Laughing until you cry.
5) Getting to watch your favourite tv show.
6) Getting to compliment people.
7) Receiving compliments.
8) Tumblr, have you seen some of the weird yet hilarious text posts on there??
9) Have you ever said "hehe" in a really low voice? Try it and I bet you'll smile atleast.
10) Music.
11) You know in winter how you get to snuggle into your blankets and everything seems lovely, stay for that.
12) Hot chocolate.
13) Have you ever danced in public? No? Make that a goal.
14) THEME PARKS.
15) Animals.
16) Cat vines
17) To see your favourite band/singer live
18) Tattoos.
19) Piercings?? if you're into that??
20) Friends, bestfriends.
21) That satisfaction of completing everything that had to be done.
22) Making it through the day and being proud of yourself.
23) Tea.
24) Coffee.
25) Cute people.
26) Dressing up.
27) To get your dream job.
28) To get married.
29) To smile.
30) New music.
31) To watch the sunrise.
32) To watch the sunset.
33) Cooking!
34) Did I mention your favourite tv show???
35) Sports.
36) Camping .
37) The beach.
38) The pools.
39) Imagine hearing your child laugh for the first time. wow. OR SEEING THEM SMILE FOR THE FIRST TIME.
40) To fall in love.
41) To set goals.
42) New clothes.
43) To keep that promise you made.
44) Movies.
45) Learning a new language.
46) Standing up for what you believe in.
47) You. For yourself.
48) Painting.
49) Drawing.
50) Receiving and buying people gifts.
51) Dying your hair different colours.
52) Books. You get to live someone else's life other than your own."

Scott weakly smiled, breathing in and out deeply. His eyes landed on the CD, he took it out of the case and pushed it into the player in his car. He was immediately met with rain noises, his head fell back. He then skipped to track two, coffee shop noises. That was nice. Track three was a guitar softly playing.

For the first time he thought he got get through this. To beat it all!

A/N
Thanks for reading. The 52 reasons to stay alive are from a post on tumblr. I reblogged the master post earlier today. It includes ways to care for yourself and deal with mental illnesses. You can check that out if you so wish!! Love you guys!!