Fiction

I can't force myself to stop loving you

Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me. The problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you.  ~Anonymous

Dan could hear Phil talking in the other room, ordering pizza for them both. He paused what he was doing to listen to his smooth voice, something he did more than he cared to admit to anyone, let alone himself.

He would not allow himself to get a crush on his best friend.

No he would not.

Who was he kidding, that point had already been and gone, and Dan not only had a crush on the man, but was also undeniably in love with him. He loved his laugh, his perfect hair that Dan would give anything to run his hands through, the way his tongue stuck out the corner of his mouth when he smiled or laughed too hard, his innocent, childish way of thinking... God, he could go on all day.

Why though, in stories and fairy tales, does it never mention how much it hurts to love someone? Why is it, that in stories, the prince sweeps the princess off her (or in this case, his) feet, and neither of them ever look back? They both fall in love with the other, and nothing is complicated. They get their happily ever after.

Why can't he get his happily ever after?

This immediately makes him feel awful, because his life is fantastic, really. He has a nice flat, an amazing best friend, countless other beautiful people in his life, a good job and millions of people who adore him (and basically stalk him, but that's not the point.). There are children in Africa who are starving, with no clean water and diseases like Ebola and Malaria killing off hundreds of people each day, and here he is complaining about a stupid crush. It was ridiculous. Selfish and immature.

"Dan?"

He looked up from his position on the floor. Strange. He hadn't noticed sitting down. Or Phil finishing talking on the phone, for that matter. He was standing in the doorway, worry clouding his brilliant blue eyes, the same colour as the sky on a clear summer's...

NOT. THE. TIME!

He must have looked confused, because Phil slid down onto the floor next to him, and put his arm around him. This was the exact opposite of helpful, as his brain immediately started to liquidise, and the only thought he had was something along the lines of "asdhchhhcsjkjbfknfdecjk", but he could hardly push him away when he was being so sweet and adorable.

"Okay?"

"Okay." He said giggling slightly at the reference to the movie they were about to watch. He could feel Phil laughing beside him, and for a glorious moment, all his worries had shrunk to nothing, and he could see the world as Phil saw it, full of colour and life, opportunities and love. The world looked so beautiful, through Phil's eyes. Through Dan's, it was grey and lifeless, broken occasionally by the bursts of colour that were the people and places he loved. But when he was with Phil, the universe looked a million times more beautiful. He just had that effect, the one where he filtered all the bad stuff away, and made the good stuff more prominent. Which was why it was so ridiculous that Dan had more subscribers than Phil, when Phil made the world more exciting, and Dan made the world much more boring.

"But seriously though, are you okay?" Phil asked, and Dan could swear that his cheeks were pinker than they usually were, but he dismissed that as a trick of the light.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I was just... thinking."

"Inevitability of death or kittens and sunshine?" He asked, and Dan couldn't help but laugh at the typically Phil comment, and was reminded, yet again, of why he had fallen in love with him in the first place.

He truly lived up to his name.

"I..." He didn't have a clue what to say. The truth, or a lie? A lie, he decided, he couldn't ruin the most valuable friendship he had. But which lie? Existential crisis? Kittens and sunshine? But Phil, being the most glorious human being in the whole universe, solved that problem for him.

"It's fine if you don't want to tell me. I just want to help you, even if you only need a shoulder to cry on."

"Okay." He muttered, snuggling closer to Phil, pushing his face in the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent. He was practically sitting in Phil's lap now, curled up in a small ball, like a cat. Not that he was complaining. And Phil didn't seem to be either, because he pulled Dan closer to him and rested his chin on Dan's hair and chuckled.

"Maybe okay will be our always."

And of course, seeing that God, or destiny or whatever you want to call it, hates him, that was the point that the pizza arrived. Dan snuggled closer for one second, then reluctantly got up, and headed for the door.

***

An hour and a half later, they were in much the same position as before, but on the sofa. Phil's shirt was wet from Dan's tears, and Dan's hair was curly again. This was the reason he had suggested this movie, so he got to hug Phil without it looking weird. It was that or a horror movie, and no way was he watching a horror. Ever.

Dan was kind of regretting choosing this movie now, however, because his face was now looking extremely attractive. He had a nose like Rudolph's, a moustache like John's at the start of Sherlock Season 3, and eyes like a panda's. He always looked like that after crying too much, so it really annoyed him how Hazel can still look perfect when the love of her life just died. If Phil died... nononononono not thinking about that. Stop right there over active imagination. Well, at least he was already crying, so more crying won't look too weird.

Dan continued crying onto the love of his life's shoulder.

***

The end credits started playing, after they'd exhausted their supply of tissues, pizza and popcorn. Phil shifted underneath Dan, which Dan took as a cue to get up. He immediately missed the warmth that Phil gave off, and the feel of his arms holding Dan close to him. It was cold without him.

Dan sighed, and stood up, turning around to tell Phil goodnight, only to find him already gone.

"Night." He whispered to the empty room, before retreating to bed, not before stealing the pillow Phil had been sitting on.

Dan fell asleep clutching Phil's pillow to his chest, savouring his scent.

Hello again peoples who are mad enough to read this!!!!!

If you have been waiting for this (which you probably haven't but yeah, a girl can dream) I'm sorry for not posting sooner, because there is NO WIFI WHERE I AM I MEAN WTF IS THIS WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY DOES MY FAMILY INSIST ON TORTURING ME I AM A TEENAGE GIRL WIFI IS AS IMPORTANT AS FOOD OR AIR OR SLEEP AND I USED ALL MY DATA PACKAGE WATCHING THE NEW DIL VIDEO AND THAT WAS STUPID BECAUSE I HAVE SIX DAYS LEFT and I'm going to stop using caps lock now I apologise peoples you probably don't give a shizzle about me and my problems so bye *waves sadly at your retreating back*
~RuneStarArrow