Fiction

Pick and choose

"You couldn't just pick and choose at will when someone depended on you, or loved you. It wasn't like a light switch, easy to turn on or off. If you were in, you were in. Out, you were out."
~Sarah Dessen

Phil POV (PS, all I know of hospitals is from Supernatural, so I'm very sorry if this is wrong.)

"Dan! I'm home!" I shouted into the apartment. I held a bag full of food in each hand, having just gone out to pick up some groceries from the shops.

"Phil!" He yelled, running towards me, barely giving me time to drop the bags before he was wrapped around me in an embrace so tight I feared I would choke. His hands forcefully tilted my head towards him, and he pressed his forehead against mine, closing his eyes tightly.

His hands were shaking slightly, running through my hair and muttering under his breath.

"Dan, honey, what's wrong? I was barely gone five minutes." I said, hands keeping him secure against me, so I could feel the rise and fall of his chest and the beat of his heart, perfectly in sync with mine. His eyes shot open.

"Phil. You were gone for a week." He said, and suddenly I was falling. Falling, black and then suddenly white, a loud beeping and panicked voices.

"We're losing him! His heart's slowing down, we're going to have to start compressions!"

Compressions? What? Wait... are they talking about me? Am I dying? What's going on? I felt my breathing start to speed up, now almost gulping for air, like I'd been starved of oxygen for days.

"Phil? Phil, can you hear me? I need you to calm down. Take deep breaths, okay, breath in, two, three, four, out, two, three, four, come on Phil, we can't help you unless you let us, Phil! He's not breathing! Oxygen!"

Black was seeping in around the edges of my vision, slowly creeping its way towards me, and I was running but to no avail, trying to survive, to escape the darkness.

I could not escape.

It was on me.

***

I was running across a beach, sand between my toes, laughing, feeling more free than I'd felt in a long time. My arms were thrown out, and my jumper was blowing around me, making me feel as if I went just a tiny bit faster, my feet would leave the ground and I would be flying. It was cold, the sky a slate grey, solid and intimidating, with a slight drizzle wetting my hair and sticking sand to my legs. The sea pounded on the beach mercilessly, swirling and dancing in colours that were dark and menacing: black and grey and navy and dark green.

I suddenly realised that I was still running.

I couldn't stop.

My feet were carrying me closer and closer to the dark swirling mass that was the sea, and I couldn't stop it.

The sense of freedom I had felt shattered like a mirage, falling down around me as I ran into blackness.

Dan POV

The shower was hot, soothing all my aching muscles and giving me a valuable opportunity to think.

I knew I was being stupid. PJ was right about that, but at the same time I kept on fearing that I wasn't being stupid at all, and my terror of him dying was justified. He was still sleeping, and whilst his vitals were good, he still wasn't waking up. The doctors tried to ease our fears, but I could tell that they weren't holding out much hope.

And then there was what would happen if he did wake up. I mean, I was the reason he was in that hospital bed. I knew that he wouldn't forget that, not for as long as he lived. And the way he flinched away from me after he woke up... I knew I had broken his heart. But I didn't know the consequences of that action when I did it.

The shower was starting to run cold. I didn't want to turn it off just yet, but at the same time I knew I had to, unless, of course, I wanted to catch a cold.

I stepped out of the shower, and got dressed quickly, towel drying my hair, and for once not caring that I looked like a hobbit.

Knock. Knock.

"Dan? Come on, we need you, it's urgent!" Came Chris' voice from the other side of the door. I stepped out of the bathroom, my backpack full of clothes in my hand. I would have to go and sort them out soon, because, as PJ had said, it wasn't fair to get Izzy to do it.

"What Chris? I need to go and see the physiatrist, and then get Izzy some chocolate or something, what is it?" I asked, quite annoyed that after I finally got off my ass and started to do something, Chris decided to try and stop me.

"It's Phil." He said, and my head whipped around to look at him, panic very obvious in my eyes. "Don't worry, he's not dead or anything. It's just, they think they're losing him. He almost died just half an hour ago, and they don't know how much more his body can take. PJ's in there now, they're trying to see if the presence of loved ones will help in any way. I mean, they think it's the emotional trauma as well as the physical that's keeping him under at the moment. They're going to send me in in a couple of minutes, and then they want you." He said, my eyes widening with every word.

"He doesn't want me in there." I said, voice cracking slightly at the end of the sentence.

"Would you give up then? Just let him die without saying goodbye, without even trying to help? Dan, I know you're going through some shit at the moment, but seriously, grow the fuck up! I love him too, and if there's any chance you can help him get better, I will shove you in that door and lock it behind you. He needs you, Dan, even if he's trying to deny it when he's awake, when he's asleep it might be a different story. Try. Please."

Hey guys!

How are you?

I've just had my work experience week, and I swear, a week has never gone so slowly in my entire life! Thank god it's over.

The hiatus on Supernatural? *cries*

See you next week, weirdos!

Peace out, bitches!

*makes you all tea and brings you cake because I'm really nice and you should totally favourite this story (hint, hint)*

~RuneStarArrow