Fiction

Human-shaped emptiness

I said nothing for a time, just ran my fingertips along the edge of the human-shaped emptiness that had been left inside me.
~Haruki Murakami

I woke up naked and alone. What the hell happened last night? I remember...

Oh shit.

I slept with Phil. As in, full on sex-slept, not like the platonic sleeping in the same bed because of nightmares sleeping.

What do I do?

Okay, step one. Call PJ. He might have some helpful advice about what the hell I should do after sleeping with my long time crush/best friend. About sleeping with the guy I was hopelessly in love with, but knew without a doubt didn't love me back in any way apart from a platonic friendship. Not in a romantic way.

Ring, Ring, Ring

"Hello? Dan? Are you okay?" PJ says after picking up the phone.

"No! Do you remember last night at all?" My voice broke slightly at the end of the sentence.

"I remember you and Phil leaving after making out, if that's what you meant. Did you have sex?" He says, bluntness making me cringe.

"You could say that."

"Then why are you so panicked?" He asks, confusion colouring his tone. "It's obvious that you're in love with him."

"How is it obvious? It's not obvious!"

"Whoa, calm down! Have you not seen how you look at him? You're practically drooling, and you're always as red as a tomato whenever you're around him. He is as well. I'm not seeing the problem here."

"He's gone and I don't know where he is, I woke up alone he probably hates me Peej, what the hell should I do?"

"Okay, problem seen. I don't know. Phil is totally in love with you, and you're totally in love with him, I don't know why he wouldn't stay with you. By the way, who tops?"

"That's besides the point! Not relevant! Utterly inappropriate!"

"I'll take that as Phil tops. Chris owes me ten quid."

"You bet that I would bottom Peej? Thanks a lot! I have such great friends."

"You love me really. Anyway, to the problem at hand, I have no idea what you should do. You're on your own mate, sorry."

And he hung up. He hung up! So much for PJ being a helpful and problem-solving genius.

Given no other choice by my rumbling stomach (I was never usually this hungry in the morning), I decided that the only option here was to face my demons and get breakfast.

*timey-wimey backwards skip and POV skip towards black-haired lion-obsessed top*

7am (why anyone would want to wake up then is beyond me, but whatever)

I stretched before opening my eyes, doing my normal routine of wake-up-before-your-eyes-are-open-in-case-of-psychopaths. I don't know why I still do it, because in my twenty eight years of inhabiting this earth, I have never once woken up to a psychopath, or, for that matter, a high-functioning sociopath. In this strange ritual, I discovered two things. One, I was naked. And two, there was someone lying next to me.

I opened my eyes cautiously, and moved my head to the side. I extended my previous list to hold two new facts: one, I was in Dan's room, and two, the person I was lying next to was also naked. And Dan.

I was lying next to my best friend and long-time crush, we were both naked, and we had been very drunk last night. I can hardly remember any of the party, let alone what happened when we got home, but I think it was safe to assume that we had had a drunken hook-up.

Oh God.

I had to get out. If he woke up, our friendship would be ruined, and it would be better to be friends with him than nothing at all.

But before I did that, I had to just watch him for a while. He looked so beautiful lying there, hair curling in the way he hated and lips slightly open. He was curled on his side, head resting on my chest so I could feel his warm breath.

I needed to get out now, before I rethought and ruined everything.

I was way more hungry than I usually was in the morning.

*timey-wimey skip to the next day*

Dan's POV

I woke up the next morning feeling awful. Not physically, but mentally. I didn't immediately register why, but the inevitable happened very soon afterwards.

Phil hadn't come out of his room yesterday. At all.

And that made me worried, not only for our friendship, but also for his safety. I didn't think that he would deliberately harm himself, but after that night... I wasn't sure I knew my best friend as well as I thought I did.

I hoped he would come out today, but at the same time I wish he wouldn't.

I wanted pancakes.

I know as soon as I leave my room that Phil is in the kitchen. It may have been because I could hear him cluttering around, or maybe I could smell coffee and Delia Smith pancakes, but either way, I didn't feel so hungry anymore.

I was shaking, and my heart was beating loudly in my chest. I had never felt this nervous around Phil, even when I first got a crush on him.

I took a deep breath in, and walked into the kitchen.

He wasn't looking at me, though I was sure he knew I was there. His head was bent over a frying pan filled with pancake batter, and he had two plates out. At least he wasn't completely ignoring me. His hair looked messy and of what I can see of his face I could tell he hadn't shaved.

He looked perfect to me.

"Pancake?" He asked, and he sounded as nervous as I felt.

"Phil..." I started, but I sure as hell didn't know what to say. I love you? The mere thought made me want to throw up. I kind of liked the sex? Ha, not a chance. I settled for a simple:
"Are you okay?"

He looked up at me, and his eyes showed a sadness that I was sure was mirrored in mine, but he had bags under his eyes that showed he hadn't slept last night.

"What do you think, Dan?" He asks, and I notice that his eyes lack their usual shine and childish joy.

"Do you want to move out then?" I ask, and immediately regret it when his eyes turn stony.

"If that's what you want." He hisses at me. "I'll be out of your hair, and your life, in an hour."

"Phil that's not what I-" I start, but he's properly angry now.

"Not what you meant? Is that what you wanted to tell me Dan? Just like you didn't mean what happened that night, how you didn't mean it when you screamed my name? I am sick of this Dan! You and your mixed signals, it makes my head hurt! So, just so you can get straight signals, I am in love with you. I have been for years, and you never noticed, never cared about me, all this time you've been wanting me to move out so you don't have to deal with poor, stupid Phil. I have had enough. Fuck you Daniel Howell. I hope you rot in hell." He screams, and before my brain has processed what he said and reacted to it, he's already out of the door.

I slide down onto the floor, and let all the pent-up emotions from loving my best friend pour out of me.

A/N:
My problem of supernatural has been solved by my friend being awesome and letting me borrow them from her!

Thank ThamesThePotatoChip for this chapter as she basically threatened me with death if I didn't update it. And she would have been able to deliver. So enjoy the chapter!

Other news, I came out to myself and my friends as bisexual, also my sister, but I need advice on whether I should come out to my parents, as they don't think that bisexuality exists and that bisexuals are lying to cover who they truly are.

Enough about me! Goodbye. See you at some point in the foreseeable future, peoples!

*throws unicorns at you and aggressively tries to convince my friends that they could exist*