HeavyDirtySoul

CHAPTER NINE

"Bye mom!" Annnndddd she's outta here!

Go. Do it. Now. You're finally alone.

I went straight to my room and grabbed the first razor I could find. I haven't done this in days and I ache for it.

Do it. You know you want to.

I slice my skin and immediately feel the relief.

Come on, more than that.

Another slice. Another. Another. Another. Another. Until I can't even keep track anymore.

Keep going.

"No."

Keep going!

"No! My arm is dripping and it stings so bad." I rushed to the bathroom and ran water over it. It burned little but I didn't really feel it. I was kinda numb to it by now. I wrapped my arm in a bandage then went along with my day.

You should have cut more. You should have cut deeper.

"Shut up. Can I just eat my bacon in peace?"

You're eating again? You ate like an hour ago. How fucking fat can you be? That's the reason why you're all lard.

I glanced down at my stomach. "I'm not all fat."

Is that doubt I hear in your voice?

"No. Just shut up okay."

Put down the bacon.

I dropped the piece I had onto my plate.

You're disgusting.

"Please just stop." I felt a tear escape my eye.

Aw is the baby gonna cry? Can't face the fact that you're disgusting and everyone hates you?

"That's not true."

But then again, maybe it is? Josh and I haven't hung out a lot recently. Jenna has barely even looked at me. Maybe they all hate me. I know I hate me. Oh god they do hate me. What did I do though. Why? They're probably tired of me being sad all the time. I probably don't hide it well enough. Maybe I can make it up to them. I can lose weight and smile more. That should do it right? Maybe I'll talk less.

The door opening brought me back into reality. Josh walked through with video games in hand.

"Hey, you told me that your parents would be gone so I thought- Wait what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

He doesn't need to be here.

"Just go, please. I'm fine." Why am I saying this?

"What? No. You're obviously not okay, you're having a fricking panic attack."

"Leave Josh." Please don't leave.

"What's your problem? I'm just trying to help you!"

You don't need him.

"I don't need you. Leave me alone."

"Fine if that's what you want. I'm tired of this. Have a great life, Tyler Joseph." With that he stormed out.

Good.

"Why'd you make me do that!? He was all I had!" I cried out. I just want him to come back.

He hates you, remember? Everyone hates you. You're only bringing him down. You don't need him.

"You're wrong. I need Josh. He's my lifeline."

~.~.~

School sucks when no one wants to hang out with you.

Jenna tried to talk to me first period on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday but after three days of me barely talking, she gave up. Josh hasn't talked to me at all but I can always feel him staring. I haven't even found the motivation to answer any questions the teachers ask me or read any passages. I've just lost hope basically.

I don't mean to ignore everyone but I just don't see the point. They're all going to leave me someday. Josh left. I ran him away. The only person who really cared. I don't feel any motivation to do anything. I go to school, mainly zoning out in class and not eating anything, go home and tell my parents I had a great day, then go to sleep. I'm always exhausted even though I don't do much. Life exhausts me.

I'm always here if you want to talk.

Go away. No one wants to talk to you.

Wow someone's hostile. Yet you wonder why no one likes you.

Shut up.

"Tyler the bell rang already." I heard someone say. I glanced up to see Josh standing over me. He looked just as exhausted as me.

How the fuck do you miss the bell. You're so stupid.

"Shut up." I whispered and left the class, leaving Josh behind. I wasn't going to the rest of my classes. I can't do this. I can't just sit next to Josh every day and act like it doesn't matter to me. I need out.

I know a way out.

"Would you shut up!" I screamed and threw my bag down in anger. "I want you to just shut up." I tried to calm myself down.

And I want you to die. I guess we're both not getting what we want.

"We'll see about that." I grabbed my bag and started walking.