Halfway Through the Scale

Now or Never

Chapter Fifteen

My nose has been up and running, keeping me up at night, a slight fever, a sore throat. I probably deserve it after all I did.

I just wanted to apologize.

I keep repeating that, but it feels unreal. Maybe I did do it. On purpose. I'm dizzy, feel like vomiting, feel a string inside my stomach. The string is constantly being pulled. It's tied down on my belly button. Each time it's pulled food comes up at first, then once all the food I ate for the day comes up, nothing comes. Only pain. I just wanted to apologize. I'm on the ground, I feel the cold concrete save my hot reddened cheek from boiling up. I turn to the other side to cool off my other side, but my stomach begins to complain. It yells at me from moving from such a comfortable position. A stir here and there, and when I think I'm ready, when I think I can stand on my own two feet, the string gets pulled and I fall back to the ground. I just wanted to apologize. The heat is killing me, I cannot allow it to take over me. Fuck my stomach, fuck the pain, fuck it all! I get up, sustain myself from the corner from my cot. I run torwards the wall, my head facing downward. I stare at the white wall. I suddenly get mad at it. The way it looks at me, mocks me, laughs at me, kills me.

"I just wanted to apologize!" 

I yell from the pain I feel from the bottom of my empty soul. I raise my arm, aim, and hit the wall. It doesn't hurt. I'm invincible. I hit again,and again, and again. I'm a hero. Again and again, until the wall is no longer white but red, until my knuckles are dripping blood and my veins pop out from my skin. I sit on the cot and look at my left arm. The blood is so red, a beautiful red. I tilt my head back towards the wall, and lay. I laugh, a happiness overcomes me. The pain no longer felt.

I wake up to the sound of the rumble of a car engine passing by so quickly. My eyes open immediately, no dreams to register, to remember. I sit up and look down at my left arm, raise it and see the dry blood. I look over at the floor, bits of dry blood. I look over at the wall, it's painted red, painted from my color. I gave it color. I try to move it but I can't. It's numb. I put on a jacket, slowly and gently on my left arm. It's seven twenty seven in the morning. I head out of my room, and out.

I'm some ten blocks away from school. I'm sweating, I feel the warm liquid run down my spine, and the cold breeze dry it up, making me shiver. Or maybe the breeze is warm, and I just think it's cold. I see two of everything, two birds really close to each other up above the sky, two sidewalks like parallel twins,  two trees up ahead, two of one person, a twin. I feel a soft weight touch my shoulder. I turn around and see no one. I go back to walking and see Dot on my right. I stop, stop her.

"What do you want?" I ask looking at her.

"Can I walk with you?"

"I'm going to the entrance of the school, I have nothing to hide in the back."

"I know. Just wanted to talk to you about Jasmine and Kris."

"Liar."

"Excuse me?"

"What do you want?" What do you want from me?" I ask. I cannot see her clearly, it's blurry. I blink but it won't go away, I can't see clearly.

"Hey, are you okay?" Dot gets closer, placing her hand on my back as I face downward with bit of shame and embarrassment. I immediately flinch her away before allowing her to touch me. She pulls away. "Okay, I'm sorry."

"You didn't answer my question." I ask as I face forward and continue my way.

"I already told you, I wanted to talk about-"

"No! You told me what I wanted to here. But how are you so sure that that's what I want to her?" I ask getting closer to her. Her round face, her brown eyes look away from me. I grab a hold of her chin and pull her my way. My eyes slowly lower, tired and exhausted, I release my grip on her and continue to walk.