The star is mine (completed)

XXI: Better

San's POV

'He's so childish', I was thinking while looking from the balcony into the garden, where Jongho was laying in the short-cut grass.

I was 19, my brother 17, and while my dad was teaching me how to kill people in cold blood, my brother had a girlfriend and was daydreaming about her on a summer day. Dad didn't even bother to try and toughen him up anymore, he'd even say things to me like, 'I wouldn't even be surprised if he'd say he's gay, he's so damn weak I could break him in half like a twig'.

I never really hated my brother, but I just nodded to my dad, not wanting to let him down. In return, my brother would never talk to me, and I'd never even know the name of the girl he was so in love with.

I'd tried to walk into his room sometimes, but he'd bang the door shut and yell, 'You're just like him', and I knew he was talking about my father, not knowing how much I should've detested those words.

I wish I would've known what her name was.

I've been thinking about this moment way too often, and I'm overthinking it again, flying over the pacific.

He was right all along, killing people won't make me happy, and feeling no emotion at all will only make it worse. I wish I was a bit more like him, instead of calling him childish and weak.

There's so much I regret now.

The plane starts to descend, waking up Wooyoung, with a bit of fear in his eyes.

'We're here', I say, smiling.

'Have I slept for that long?'

'A few hours'

He yawns in response. I haven't slept a bit for the whole plane ride, feeling the urge to protect Wooyoung no matter what, but it now forces me to hide how tired I actually am.

It's still crazy to me how I've drowned my own feelings for long enough to be completely numb, but how much I feel now, when I just take this little boy's hand and stare at his face. I want to feel everything now, I'm done trying to gaslight myself I'm invincible when he can break me with just a touch.

Guilt is still creeping up on me though, the things I've done to Wooyoung are unforgivable. I'd do anything to make it right, even if I spend my last day looking for his sister, I will find her.

But I know I'm just tricking myself into believing that will make me feel better about myself, and I'll still be as scared as I am he will hate me again and run away.

Wooyoung rubs his eyes, tapping me on the arm, waking me back up into reality, 'Look! It's so beautiful!'

The sparkles in his eyes replace the pain with butterflies, and I can't help but smile like an idiot when he's pointing at some palm trees on the nearest beach.

'It's going to be a long drive until we get to Willows', I mention the town that was on the card Hannah gave us, 'Why don't we stay in San Francisco for a day to rest?'

I see him hesitating, knowing he'll want to get to his sister as fast as possible, but he'll be overwhelmed by a jetlag if we start the drive immediately. I also want him to be happy for a bit.

To be honest, I'm not sure about the address card. I can't come up with a reason for Hannah to lie to us, after all she was close with Wooyoung, but she was truly acting strange and I never really looked into the address or the town, I just impulsively decided to fly over here.

I was loving the idea at first, the two of us peacefully going on a vacation and reuniting with his sister, but I'm starting to have my doubts. What if we don't find her? Or she already moved? Or something way bigger is going on? I don't think I can handle disappointing Wooyoung again.

Or maybe I'm just overthinking this and there will be a cute family moment, and we'll all go home in my fancy private jet and live a happy life. That seems way too unlikely to me.

The wheels hit the ground, the plane slowing down.

'Sure, I do want to see the city'

Wooyoung's POV

Everything seems so oddly perfect right now, the sun is shining, I'm a bit drowsy from being tired, neither walking or thinking straight while my boyfriend is holding me steady while we walk along the shoreline, the sea rolling over the sharp rocks, and a red bridge I've seen all over the internet contrasting the dull blue ocean.

And I have the hope of finding my sister again.

I'm too scared to think about what will happen if we drive up to her house and she's not there, with no trace leading to where she might be now.

It'll be fine, just enjoy the moment.

And I do, feeling the breeze in my hair and squeezing San's hand tighter, almost tripping over a small stone on the floor but I don't care, I'm happy.