My Personal Diary; My life.

5 entry's. An A/N. And a Poem.

November 24, 2009:

Looks like I know what I got from Allen for my birthday... His cum. He was expecting a blow job today and do ya know what? He got it. We were just making out and shit on the ground and I pushed my hand down his pants.. He LOVED it! He was like two seconds away from cuming so he made me stop. Well I wanted to finish so I told him I wanted to finish what I started so we walked around the corner of the apartments and he asked me if I was sure that I wanted to do this I was like "yeahhdork!" So then he took it out of his boxers and I sucked on it until he came which didn't take long.. It got on my jacket!:/ 

A/N; I recently added Romance on here as a genre. I don't know if I'd consider THIS romance, but I was kinda in a pickle with how many guys I got goin' on at the time. Lol..

December 3, 2009:

My sister is such a hypocrite bitch! She has given nasty people blow jobs like BLAKE, and TYLER, and god knows what she's doing with this person she's dating now. But gosh she found out about the Allen thing and of course she told on me, well now my dad hates me. I don't care what he says. Then she's yelling up the stairs "I hope you have an STD you 12yr old slut!" NEWSFLASH!: I am 13 now and at least people don't know I'ma slut! She had 1 friend her senior year and that's because she was a bitch. The only reason guys liked her was because she's pretty. But she was definitelythe town slut by-far.

!I HATE HER SO MUCH!

I don't even consider her a sister. A sister wouldn't do that shit. I just feel like nobody cares.

 Allen used me, Damien and me like never talk, Matt just seems like he's got better stuff to do then talk to me. My sister has never cared, my mom and dad are border line caring, because I am a slut I think my dad's over the edge. I feel worthless there's no reason to live. I have thought about suicide a lot. Only thing keeping me alive is Mika because I LOVE HER! But honestly I cut 5 huge lines across my rib cage...

December 8, 2009: 

So yeah my life got worse and where can it go from the bottom? Only up(: I am like always happy even though there's nothing to be happy about. My dad told me yesterday (Saturday) that he didn't know me anymore and he was going to drop all my clothes off at my mom's work and I could live with her.. What crap right?

Well obviously I am home now.. Ryan and me talked on Myspace IM. He doesn't even like Mika I just don't know how to tell her. She's been through a lot with John I don't wanna upset her. But Mikey doesn't like her either they just think she's cute. Ryan told me I have a nice:

-Smile, butt, body and he also said he likes how I ignore things but really in reality I am processing it deep down... He said he likes how I dress and I am oober cute. (Okay he didn't say oober he said really, but I like oober better) But he said he likes my personality too. So the only thing stopping us from dating is my brother. Because their best friends. And the fact that he's not ready for another relationship yet. I was ready to get offline and he wouldn't let me he wanted to talk to me. I saved theIM's They were sweet. I think I like him? Butttttttt Mika does so I can't say anything. She's been through a lot and deserves the best.

December 16, 2009:

Today was the worst day of my life. Matt doesn't love me. He wouldn't even say it anymore. This divorce is tearing me apart I cut today (not proud to say) I don't know how many times I thought about suicide this last minute. Nobody wants me NOBODY I don't even think my dad does. The only hing that has kept me alive this long is my mom. Although she does some stupid things too, nobody's perfect.

1. Matt.

2. Brian

3. Jordy.

4. Mersadies.

5. Allen.

6. my sister

(List of people and order they make me wanna kill myself)

I got out the pills to take.. Idkk if I am going to yet though.

SUICIDE NOTES!

MOM!: I love you  so much I never meant to hurt you. Your the best mom in the world although you do dumb things!

IMPORTANT! Somebody tell Michael what happened. Tell him I loved him more than he knows and this is not his fault except the fact he didn't care nor love me.

Sister1 (mentioned before): You made living at home hell. I hated being here with you! But I do love you, and you are in my heart no matter how mean you are!

Sister2 (Not mentioned before): Don't ever give up and be like me. I am bad live your life to the fullest no matter what you may think I love you so much!

Zack: He's under Zack (cutiepie) in my phone. Tell him he's my best friend and I love him and I should've called him and this wouldn't have happened. But it's deff not his fault!

Damien!: I was looking forward to dating you but I couldn't live anymore yes you made me happy but you aren't Matt.

I decided to change Matt's. This is ALL his fault, make sure he knows he ruined my Christmas and even if I said I hate him it's so not true.

Mika! You were my best friend.

December 24th, 2009:

I obviously didn't kill myself so again I am thinking about it (Thanks Matt). I love him so much and he hates me for considering dating Damien again.. Damien makes me happy but only when I am with him. Tonight is the second night my dad told me not to come home. I hate coming home but I can't stay at my mom's cause I want her to have her fun, I can't ruin it for her.

Mika Is my best friend.

Damien Is my happiness

Matt Is my pain!

Mommy Is my savior.

Happy Effin' Christmas FML.

December 24th. Still. POEM.

Another cut is born before

the last one is healed.

I put a smile on my face and 

pretend I am happy when really

I am not.

Nobody see's my pain although

it's clearly there.

Fuckk me, kill me, use me,

talk about me, although I

hear I pretend I don't.

I hate the life I live, but 

I continue to live it.

~Nicole.