Memories (One Direction Zayn Malik FanFic)

Chapter 48 So Much To Say

Chapter 48 Zayn’s p.o.v

“There’s just so much I hadn’t said!” I cry. After I snapped Jasmine’s notebook shut and was crying Louis showed up and found me crying on the couch.

“I know mate, it’s hard.”

“Damn right it’s hard! I had so much to say and now I can’t say it!”

“Look if you have so much left to say why don’t you write it out, that way you’ll get it out.” It wasn’t a crazy idea.

“I guess I could try.” I sigh.

“Great now I best be off, call me if you need anything.” He starts to stand and walks to the door. He stopped when he grabbed the door nob and looked back at me. “I love ya mate.” He then opened the door and walked out, leaving me to think.

I decided he had a good point. I get up of the couch and walk to the desk in the corner. I open the top drawer and pull out a pad of lined paper and a pen. I take a seat on the desk chair and watch as the blue ink leaves my pen to mark the sheet of paper.

 Dear Jasmine,

There is so much I hadn’t said to you and never will be able to, so I’ll write them to you in, I guess, some type of closure.

First thing I have to say to you is; I miss you.

Jasmine I’ve loved you since the day I met you, and I wasn’t even one then! I made a promise to you that I would never forget you, and that promise I will keep.

I think of what I should write next…

I wish you could come back; it’s hell without you here in my life. You were and are my everything, the one thing my world revolves around. Without you I’m empty, I’m lonely. You left a painful hole in my heart and nothing can fill it. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t want to replace you. I would never dream of that, it’s just that it’s as if my heart is this great big puzzle and you where the center of it, and now you’re lost, and my heart is confused. But I guess my heart is also a sculpture because now it’s broken into a million pieces. My heart and memories are the things you left me with but you left with the thing that made them happy. You were why my heart would beat. You were the reason I smiled everyday. My memories of you made me smile but now they make me cry, because they prove that you are gone. That you are never going to come back. That I will never make new memories with you. That I’ll live a life without you. If I ever get married (which I don’t think I will because my heart only belongs to you and only you) and if I ever have children (once again I could only have that with you) with someone else I’ll watch as my kids look like me and some faceless mother I didn’t truly love. I will look at them and they will never be what I had picture so many times with you. I had pictured at least three kids, each the perfect mix of you and me. One would have you eyes and nose, and my cheekbones and color of hair. One would have my eyes, my nose and my hair, but it would have your perfectly sculpted shape and your caring heart. And the other one would be just one complete blend of the two of us. But all this will never happen. I will never get that, and even worse you will never get to have kids at all. You will never get to walk down the aisle with that beautiful white dress you’ve been telling me about since we were kids. You will never get to feel a child growing inside of you. You will never be able to walk around a house carrying your little bundle of joy. You will never get to do anything more then what you have done already. You will never get to live a full life with me or anybody (but seriously it would have been me that would of experience all those things with you not anybody else.) I remember a long time ago, or maybe it was just a couple months ago, but it feels like hundreds of years ago, I had promised you, that I would do all those things with you. I told you one day we’d get married and have kids and a house and grow old together and watch as our kids age and then one day I would pass away. I had always picture us old and grey and that I passed away first, never in my mind did I think you would die before me, even if it was you dying by gun point and I was all the way around the world I would of taken that bullet, never would I of let you die, and yet your death creped up on us, on our happy life, death came and stole the best thing in my life just so it could laugh in my face and say “Enjoy being miserable you douche!” But that’s what life is, or at least that’s what you would say every time something bad happened to me and you would be there and say “That’s what life is, it’s made to be challenging and it’s made to be stupid and messed up but at some points it can be the happiest and most beautiful thing you have ever seen.” And I would believe you. Every single time you said that I would feel better. You made me the man I am today, and I guess I made you the woman you are- I mean you were. And when you told me you would see me one day I believed you and I think that’s the only thing that’s keeping me going. When you told me that I should live a happy life and that’s what you really wanted for me, well that’s what is making me keep going. So I really hope it makes you happy because if anything I would take a gun right now and kill myself to go up there and see you. I really wish I could say the same for you. To tell you that you should be happy and fall in love up there in the great beyond or where ever you are, but I’m not that selfless. I can’t bare to think one day when I meet you up there I’ll find you with a new guy with kids (If that could even happen where ever you are) I want you to be happy but all I want and need is you and one day when I go up there I want to run to you in slow motion and give you a hug and a kiss and not let go of you forever, because then I guess we really will have forever. So I guess I’ll leave you to think about all this. I love you Jasmine, forever and always.

~Zayn <3

I grab an envelope from the second drawer of the desk and rip the sheet of paper off the pad before neatly folding it and slipping it into the envelope. On the front of the envelope I write: To my love Jasmine, From your Zayn

I lick the envelope closed and get up from the desk chair. I walk over to the kitchen counter and set the letter down on the counter before walking to my room. I sit on the cot I had put down on the floor because sleeping in the empty bed Jasmine and I had once slept in and cuddled and talked and did so much is to much to bare for my broken heart.

It’s probably only around four when my eyes close and the world goes black.

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So what ya think? Personally I think my sad chapters are the best, my happy or kinda happy chapters suck cuz I’m just better at writing things where the person is sad and depressed. : )

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~Sandrine <3