Stars in the Darkness

32. 'Spilling My Guts'

Did I just hear Jordan right?

She basically died? On a birthday too?

"W-wait! Don't stop there Jordan! Tell me more!" I say clinging on to the couch that we both are sitting on.

"I'm going man, it caught me off surprise too when she told us.." What, this whole conversation is making me even more confused. Oh dear, I'm missing a lot aren't I?

"Us..?" I question, Jordan turns his laptop around and I see the familiar YouTube channel settings.

"MissTwiliaAster, currently 40,000 subscribers, including me, Johnnie and Damon, her video hat was posted almost a year ago," he scrolls through her videos, she had quite a lot too, "spilling my guts, it's when she came to your guys school for the first year.."

So, this semi famous YouTuber I didn't know of, is my girlfriend and, hides this from me.

Why couldn't she tell me?

I'm a YouTuber too, why did she keep it a secret?

"So this was posted before the school year?"

"Correct sir, which is odd, not unless she had to tell someone or us about it. For she has made videos for quite a while now, three going on four years.."

Long time to keep it a secret, at least to an audience. She's kept it for most of her life, and hasn't told anyone, stubbornness or strength. I don't know which one.

"She hasn't mentioned anything before, not in a truth or dare with someone?"

"She did a little when her and Damon did a truth or dare, she didn't go into it though, but Damon seemed a little different after that. You'll see what I mean at Warped,"

"Got you, wait, Warped is in," I think through it, I gulp loudly, "in two days, I have to go back to Johnnies and Bryan's soon! Wowie! That means I have to pack!"

Now with this on my shoulders I feel more stressed, yay.

If you didn't hear the sarcasm, well, you need to reread this.

"Right, I'm doing all my packing tomorrow and late tonight, then catching the first plane to San Fran, you should do the same.."

"I think Johnnie already did that, I think.." I send him a quick text, just making sure about it.

You got my airplane tickets right?

Back to where we originally focused on, oh dear Warped, it's going to be amazing..

"Back to our main focus, it's better if you watch the video instead of me talking about it," he reaches over and grabs a tissue box, "just in case.."

"Wait! Did you cry?" I ask, Jordan nods his head. Oh great, that means I'm going to be freaking balling.

I'm learning what happened to my girlfriend over ten years ago..

I don't know if I'm ready or not..

➖➖➖➖

Jordan was right, I needed that tissue box, for she ended up crying in her video too. It reminded me a lot of Johnnies video, how truth was being just poured over and something was being left out.

It was truth, and the feelings were hear wrenching.

"Told you would need the tissues.." Jordan says, throwing away the second box.

I let out loud sniffles, my eyes are all red, I can feel it. I keep whipping my cheeks, they are soaked in bitter tears.

"Wow, I didn't know," I barely get out, my voice is quiet, unbelieving in what I heard and saw.

She told everyone that on her sixth birthday her father, a little drunk, slammed into a line of cars resulting her to bang her head against the seat ahead of her, being young that can cause trauma and internal damage. For her body isn't fully done forming or growing.

When they got her to the hospital she was absolutely covered in blood from her head gash, surprised she didn't lose any memory, but somewhere around one in the night she was pronounced dead.

Her heart stopped, she stopped breathing the doctors thought she was dead. They left her there, in the ICU, her mother was crying drastically, her father was in a small coma at the time. That lasted a few days.

Then sometime around five in the morning she wakes up. But not your normally wake up stage, that was her first panic attack. Her worst ever, screaming bloody murder and frantic spazzing. The doctors got to calm her down, she was admitted to the hospital for a full two weeks.

Once she got out, the panic attacks became something that happens in certain situations, when she feels uncomfortable or when something is about to happen that may relive memories.

Her parents moved to Ohio, to get away from the memories that she left in her first home, she doesn't remember where it is exactly, but she believe it was somewhere in California.

The attacks came down, she became to act like a normal kid would do, there wasn't any other attacks known to her parents, minus the ones she had when she was at middle school, but she kept that too herself.

When she feels one coming she often retreats to music, and sleep.

Not thinking, overthinking makes it worse in her case.

"I.. I never knew.." I whisper, Jordan rests his hand on my shoulder, he gives me sympathy.

"None of us did, I didn't even think it was here when I met her the first day of school, now when I watched her videos it clicked and made me realize, what she said was true," he stops, his mouth quivers.

He has more to say.

"Jordan, what are you holding back?" I ask, he sighs and messes up his long hair.

"I think we gave her a mini panic attack, on the bus, she was covered in cold sweat when I tried pulling her hand away from her wrist. She dashed away, back home I presume, I hope at least..." He didn't sound certain but, it's best to hope. I might go check it when u leave.

"Yeah, but still, she held it in, she hid it, how? Why couldn't she tell me?" I pull my beanie over my face, trying not to cry again, it was really, really hard.

"I don't know man, something made her trigger, was it Warped? Or was it the fact that she knew something and you didn't?"

"Could be, but, that just seems odd, that normally wouldn't cause one.." I hold my knees close together. I'm scared and nervous right now, for her.

"You never know with attacks man.."

The familiar ringtone goes off, it's Johnnie. I turn it on to speaker, since Jordan's with me and he knows Johnnie and such.

"Hey man," the sound of heavy breathing comes from the background.

"You guys are still coming to Warped right?!" He screams through the phone.

"Yeah, why wouldn't we?" Jordan asks the male on the other end of the line.

"Okay, just making sure," he takes a deep breath, one that an instructor would if your doing yoga, or something weird like that, "have any of you guys tried getting a hold of Rose?"

I hesitate for a few seconds.

What is he trying to get at.

"N-no.. Why?" Johnnie's hair goes over the speaker, he mumbles out curse words, that's not good.

"She isn't fucking answering anything!"