Rats, Roses And Paper Bones

chapter 36: 'I forgive you'

Few weeks ago.....

“Look here, miss. Keep it in mind that if you fail this class, you won’t be fit to be called my daughter again!”

I looked back at the sound of his voice, my right hand still clutching the knob of my bedroom door.

Was it already established that I was a disappointment?

I hadn't even done anything wrong yet, but somehow, I was already a disappointment.

It had been decided, finalised, and digested.

Nothing good could come out of a child like me.

I didn't have to keep trying to be perfect anymore. No matter what I did, I was always going to disappoint him.

All these years, I had been chasing the wind.

“Honey, please!” Mum pleaded, standing beside my raging father.

I looked at her closely.

This wasn't the first time this had happened. That was why Mum knew exactly what to do and what to expect whenever things got this bad.

She wasn't surprised.

She wasn't even caught off guard.

She just looked tired.

I shifted my gaze back to Dad.

As I stared at him, I felt something ugly bubbling inside me. Hatred.

It had been building slowly, quietly, day after day, until I wasn't sure how much longer I could contain it.

I knew hatred was a sin.

I knew I was supposed to forgive.

I knew I was supposed to love my father.

But that night, I made a decision.

I was done trying to get along with him.

I was done trying to force myself to love him.

“What are you staring at, young lady?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowing.

I swallowed.

There would be consequences for talking back. I knew that.

But someone had to say it.

“You know, things would be a lot better if you learned to trust me a little more.”

The words barely left my mouth before I regretted them.

Dad's expression hardened.

I didn't wait for his response.

I hurried into my room and slammed the door behind me.

That night, I cried until my silk pillowcase was soaked with tears.

I cried until my chest hurt.

I cried until I had no more tears left.

And in between those tears, I questioned God.

Why did He have to give me a father like this when He Himself wasn't like that?

Why did I have to keep feeling like I was never enough?

Eventually, my anger turned inward.

Maybe I really was the problem.

Maybe I was too difficult.

Maybe things only went wrong because of me.

Maybe there was something inherently wrong with me that everyone else could see except me.