Rats, Roses And Paper Bones

chapter 42: 'Don't forgive me'

"Hark! The herald angels sing..."

The road to the chapel looked almost exactly like what I imagined the path to the stable in Bethlehem must have looked like.

There were Christmas lights hanging from every nook and cranny, Christmas trees covered in bright ornaments stood at almost every corner, and garlands decorated the walls of nearly every building.

Christmas songs blasted from the chapel speakers, filling the entire compound with a cheerful, almost magical atmosphere.

A group of students, specifically selected to be part of the Christmas carol planning committee, were already inside the chapel, arranging chairs and decorations.

I walked past them and quietly took a seat at the back.

Sorry in advance.

Moyo's words replayed in my head.

Over and over again.

When I read her letter in the hostel, I finally understood why she had said them.

Unknown to me, Moyo had been planning to leave me long before I realised it. And she had more than enough reasons to do so.

Guilt was one of them.

I unfolded the letter again in my mind.

---

Dear Doyin,

I'm writing this because I'm too much of a coward to say it to your face.

I never imagined that we would become this close.

At first, I saw you as a threat. I made life difficult for you, and yet you showed me nothing but compassion.

I was angry because I thought you were pretending. I thought you were playing some kind of mind game with me to get revenge.

Then I realised you actually cared about me.

And somehow, that made me even angrier.

Mostly at myself.

I had convinced myself that I was the good person and that you were the hypocrite who deserved everything I gave you.

But eventually, I realised that it had always been the other way around.

I looked for ways to hurt you. I wrote that statement about you and Michael on the Wall of Truth just to embarrass you.

Later, I found out about your past from Stella. I was planning to put it on the Wall of Truth too. I wanted to shame you and finally destroy you.

But then you caught me in the classroom.

And instead of fighting me, you asked me why I hated you.

You were hurt. You genuinely wanted to understand why someone could hate you so much when you'd done nothing to her.

I lied.

The truth is, I hated myself.

And I hated the fact that you seemed capable of loving me more than I was capable of loving myself.

Couldn't you have just hated me, Doyin?

Did you really have to show me kindness?

Couldn't you have returned the hatred I gave you? At least then, I would have felt like I deserved everything I did to you.

You could have insulted me. You could have cursed me. You could have made my life miserable.

That would have been easier.