Epiphany

31:

They say time is a river. It carries us all away.

Similar to what the past the past three and half years have given me. Even though life hasn't been gloomy and doom, it hasn't exactly been sunshine and rainbows, but there were moments.

I became more independent, living in a small apartment, finally graduated from university, had stable jobs, but most importantly. I had my little Zaki.

Zakariya, my little bundles of joy and the reason I progressed through life even until now. For him.

"Mama, hurry, I want to get a chocolate milkshake." He said, tugging my arm towards the cafe. "Okay, Zaki, Mama is coming." He was only three, but the smartest and kindest kid ever.

"Let's open the door." I said, holding his hand and pushing opening the door with the other hand. "Mama, Sara!" He shouted, pointing at a table.

I turned to see the hijabi getting up and waving. "There's little Zaki." She said, hugging him. "And how is his mom?" She asked, looking up at me.

"Could be better." I replied, sitting down. Sara sat down after helping Zaki climb his chair. "I ordered lunch for us." She said. I nodded, thanking her.

"So, not good news, then huh?" She asked. "Actually, I have to go in two hours. Hopefully, good news, but -" I cut off looking down at Zaki.

"Uh oh. But it doesn't sound right." She expressed. "The way he sounded it didn't sound right." I replied, sighing.

She placed her hand on mine. "Don't worry, everything will work out." She smilied. "Inshallah." I replied, passing a weak smile.

"Hey, I've an idea. Why don't I stay with you two tonight?" She offered. She bent her head towards Zaki, "and maybe we can watch a moive and even bake cookies?" She said.

"Yess!" Zaki shouted. "Inside voice Zaki." I quickly said, gently placing my hand on his head.

His hands raised to his mouth as he quickly nodded.

"Sara, you don't have to do that." I smiled. "No. I will take any opportunity to spend time with my favorite roommate and nephew." She smiled towards us.

"Ex roommate." I reminded her. She nodded her head. "It was three months ago. And trust me, I would rather be back living with you two than my parents." She sighed.

I nodded with her. As soon the food arrived, we went back to discussing my jobs after I got my degree. Four years studying while minding Zaki wasn't easy.

But holding my degree while seeing Zaki smile was the biggest achievement I could ever imagine.

- Evening -
I unlocked the door, tightly clutching my bag as I quietly slipped in.

Slipping out my shoes and tiptoed into the living room. I saw Sara cleaning up in the kitchen, and Zaki was nowhere to be seen.

Sara truned, and her smile dropped as soon as she had seen my expression.

"Where's Zaki?" I asked, sitting at the kitchen bar. "He was waiting for you but ended up falling asleep in your room." She said, sitting by the seat beside me.

"Hadia. You don't look too good." She quietly spoke. "Yea um-" I sniffled, trying not to break down. Not now, at least.

This isn't the time for me to get emotional. This was the time to plan what to do next.

"So?" She carefully asked. "I um - do you think you can do something for me?" I quietly asked.

She understood what I meant. "Anyhting. Name anything." She quickly replied. I looked at her, her genuine care.

And at the moment, I knew. "No." I said, shaking my head and looking at the kitchen. "I can't burden you. You have so much ahead of you." I responded.

"Hadia, I can -" she tried speaking before i held her hand. "No, Zaki has others." I managed to say. Something I hasn't voiced for years. Something I'm sure Sara never heard me say.

"But you said." She began. "I did say that. But now it's a different story now." I explained.

She nodded, aware of what that meant. "So what are you going to do know?" She asked.

"I'm not sure." I sighed. "I'm not even sure if I want to do this." I honestly explained. I looked at the small toy car on the table beside me. "But I have to do this. For Zaki." I said.

"You have all my support. Anything, just name it." She said, hugging me. Although I felt unsure, I was a little happier knowing I had Sara.

"It's late. Why don't you sleep?" I said, getting up and wiping the tears that spilled even after trying to control it. She nodded. "What about you?" She asked.

"I have to work on the code for the website and then make a weekly plan for the junior coders." I said.

"Phew. That's a little of work." She said. "Between trying to handle Zaki's preschool and other part-time work. There's some work that only gets done after he's asleep." I explained.

"Yeah. I can imagine. Handling a three year old isn't the easiest for everyone." She smiled. "But Hadia. Always remember, you're an amazing mother. I've seen the way you handled him from birth to even now." She said, giving me a thumbs up.

I smiled. "And I had an amazing roommate who helped me mind my kid and get my degree." I smiled. She got up, giving me a hug.

"I'm gonna head to bed. Don't be up all night." She said, heading towards her old room. "I'll try." I honestly said, sitting down with my laptop. The good thing about a computer degree is that to work, all you need is a laptop, Wi-Fi, and your brain.

Right before Zaki was born, I managed to enroll in a university that counted my incomplete first year, and just last summer, I finally earned my degree. I scrolled through the tons of emails I had to work through before the next day.

I had taken up any part-time jobs as I could. I worked in teaching and project managing during the day and free-lancing and overseas jobs during the night, which thankfully have kept a roof over Zakariya and my head.

Thinking of Zaki keeps bringing me back to the thought. What am I going to do now? Yes, I have enough money, but it's enough for food, a house, and Zaki's preschool. I tapped my mouse absentmindedly. But my biggest concern is for my baby.

In life I didn't end up having much, but I will make sure my child doesn't have a similar fate.