Epiphany

34:

- Hadia - 

My hand was still resting on the side of the door, as I saw the people standing outside. I stood shocked. 

Before I could even move, the words slipped out faster than they were intended to. "What are you doing here?" I thought they wouldn't be able to find me here, I was far away and hadn't told anyone my address. 

"Api listen, as soon as Mustafa told us he found you, we couldn't waste a second to be here." Ahmad spoke. I looked at Mustafa who was standing behind both Ahmad and Aliza. I sighed, not saying anything. "Api, how are you? Its been so long." Aliza asked as she walked up. She looked different, happier. 

At this moment, all I could do was taking in all of them. "How did you find me?" I asked, my voice monotone. This Mustafa, walked up. "I saw you today remember." I nodded , "But how did you get here? How did you find my home?" I asked, my voice harsh with the built up emotions. 

Before he could answer, I heard Zaki calling out for me. "Mama" he called out. He stopped seeing them outside the door, immediately hugging my leg and hiding behind it. I didn't turn to him, as all of them looked down to Zaki. "Is that our little nephew?" Ahmad smiled reaching down for him. 

I simply nodded. "I- um- now that you have found me, if you'll excuse us. I said standing behind the door, showing them my intention to close it. They were quiet, as silently wanting me to invite them in. "Take care." I simply said closing the door, before my emotions flooded in. 

I closed the door, locking the door, as if they would break in any time. But a part of me already knew they wouldn't do that. The way they silently stood there, we all stood there. 

As if they wanted to say something to me, but we're frozen. 

Before I could think any further, Zaki tugged on my shirt, instantly gaining all my attention. "hmm?" I hummed looking down at my little boy. "Mama, who was that?" he asked, his little fist clenching my top. 

I scooped him up in my arms, "Some people mama used to know." I said, walking towards Zaki's room. 

Later that night wasn't any easier. I tired to sleep after Zaki fell asleep, but all the events from the day made it near impossible. I had decided to get some projects done, but any logically thinking left my head. 

Images of them kept creeping up. Aliza looked all grown up, she looked just like mama. Ahmad also looked much more mature and grew out a beard. It was nice to see them together, hopefully they're both happier now. I wasn't mad at Ahmad, I remembered. 

The day I found out about Zaki, he was the first one to know, but at the moment, I wanted to owe to no one, including my brother. At the moment, everything built up. 

And then Mustafa. He looked the same and good looking as ever. who am I kidding, him and Zaki look identical. I chuckled at myself. Remembering the his shocked and pale face when Zaki came up behind me, when Ahmad asked about his nephew. Yet he didn't ask anything about his son, does he not care?

All of a sudden my mind raced to overthink. Did you even give them a chance to ask? But if they really cared he would have asked, if he really cared he would have said anything. Was showing up enough? Was finding were I was after four years enough? 

I huddled into my knees. Looking at the lock screen wallpaper of Zaki and I. "What will happen to you after me? Will they care enough for you?" I asked his picture. "Should I give them a chance? For you? For you to have someone?" I asked, my mind only thinking about him at this moment. 

I sighed, closing the laptop. "It'll be fine. You and I went through a lot Zaki. We'll get through this too." I said. Getting up to get some hours of sleep. 

- Next morning - 

I lazily stirred my cup of tea, as I clenched onto my stomach. The pain was getting worse by the passing day. I was going to have to stop by the pharmacy, I thought. "Come on  Zaki, we might have to go outside for a bit today." I said, scooping him on his chair so he could have his breakfast. 

We had finished breakfast, while I was finishing washing the dishes when the doorbell rang. "I wonder who could be here on a Saturday." I said drying my hands with a cloth before walking towards the door. 

As soon as I opened the door, the same three I closed the door on last night were still in the same place. Only this time they were all smiling and holding bags, while staring down at me weirdly. 

"Um? Can I help you?" I said, unsure and creeped out with how high their smiles reached on their face. "Sure api." Aliza chipped, and before any of us said another word, Aliza and Ahmad both pushed past me into my house. Followed by Mustafa, who hesitated before walking in behind them. 

I stood shocked with their audacity to walk in without me even letting me in. I walked after them, trying to stop them but it was too late. "Hey you guys can't-" I stopped mid sentence, seeing all three of them sitting on the floor beside Zaki, and taking out toys and different gifts from the huge bags they carried in. 

Zaki was quiet with the strange people, but I knew he was looking at their faces and the toys. "What do you think you are doing?" I asked, seeing my son still quiet. "Giving our nephew toys?" Ahmad said, taking out another toy and handing it to Zaki, who hesitantly looked at me before looking down at the toy. 

"Mama, is this man my uncle, like Sam's uncle?" he asked. I stopped, anything I was going to say paused. Taking this chance both Ahmad and Aliza answered him, opening the toys and trying to make small talk with him. 

For a moment, I felt the hole close up, the same hole in my heart that felt getting bigger for the past four years. And then, to make the matters worse. 

My eyes wondered on him, looking at my son so attentively, or with an another emotion I couldn't name. He looked hesitant, distance while watching my siblings play with Zaki. He sat close enough to see him, yet so distant. 

What is he thinking? I paused for a minute. Is he thinking something worse - my mind started drifting to pessimistic thoughts as I observed him. Until his eyes looked straight at mine, looking it at with such warmth and familiarity.

I couldn't look away, no matter how much my brain told him to not look at him, to break this gaze. I couldn't, I felt as if I was falling towards it moment by moment. I turned my head, I can't afford any more feelings. They're here right now and Zaki is watching, once he goes to sleep I'll just kick them all I thought, escaping into the kitchen. 

Six hours had managed to pass, where I had finished all my chores. Anything to avoid sitting with them, or staying in the same place as them. But Zaki was there. And no matter what I tried, every few minutes, my conscious would drag to him, and then I would see them all playing with him. Like it was the normal thing ever, like they didn't just appear last night and this morning. 

Like this was how it always was. Aliza and Ahmad were gushing over him, showering him with so much affection, and for a moment, I felt relief. As if something happened to me, he could have them. 

Occasionally, my gaze would fall on Mustafa, who was making small talk with his three year old, but I could feel something was off. I had noticed that he hadn't told Zaki who he was to him, as much I was grateful for that. Otherwise that would be more complicated explaining to do. 

'One more hour until Zaki's bed time, then they can finally leave.' I thought, sighing out loud.