Could Have

Chapter 16: So Done.

The sunlight through the back window hit my  eyelids... I could feel my head screaming in pain, along with my knees and elbows. I squeezed my eyes closed again to try and drown out the pain.
My head was flat against the futon and there was no sign of Kalen...
I tried to remember details from the night.
I wanted to check my phone but it hurt to move. I closed my eyes and let myself fall back asleep.

//////////////////////////////////////

June 26th 2008

The official last day of school was finally here and I was actually looking forward to the summer.
I had finished all my exams in the last week and I was attending the final assembly to show support for Callie who was up for a couple of end of  year awards. The gymnasium was stuffy and the only students that lined the bleachers were either getting an award or supporting their friends, everyone else knew better than to actually waste their time by showing up.

I was still processing the events that took place on my Birthday. . .
The longer I sat with the idea and the memories of Chase the more my body seemed to show a delayed visceral reaction.
This gross feeling in the pit of my stomach would bubble.
My skin would crawl at the idea of being touched.
I started to startle easier...
I would wander in between hyper vigilance and disassociation.
I kept replaying what I could remember over and over again.
I still couldn't remember certain things, what I said, what I did... It started to become fuzzy and  all blend together.
I began blaming myself... There were so many things I could have done differently.
Callie would catch me zoning out to these thoughts and even though I never admitted out loud to anyone where my thoughts were going. But the way I would flinch, when Callie would tap my shoulder, to bring me back to reality, told her everything.

We had gone to the coffee shop down the road from the school on Monday and I thought I had seen Chase out of the corner of my eye: my body froze and my heart jumped into my throat, suffocating me.
Callie mentioned something about PTSD but I laughed it off; I beat him up, I won and to think about Chase anymore was letting him win… wasn’t it?
I wanted to shove everything deep down where I didn’t have to think or feel but I was doing a shit job at keeping it down. Every now and then it boiled over and I would fill with rage over tiny things that would normally only slightly bother me: my sandal not clasping the first time around, the tip of my pencil breaking, finding out the chips I wanted had already been eaten… I chalked it up to pre-period hormones but deep down I knew I was beating myself up for not having done more- said more. I could have done so much more and said so much more, so why didn’t I?
Why didn’t I?
I would try and cover up the memories of Chase with the picture of Kalen running down the beach towards me. For days after I would watch him running down the beach in my mind, over and over again.
This was only a temporary fix.
I thought maybe our friendship would rekindle itself after my Birthday but again Kalen seemed to be filled with empty promises. He texted me the day after to make sure I was alright, he let me know when he had gotten back to Carrisdale.
Did I want to hold him accountable for telling me he would break up with her? Yes.
Did I want him to think I was going to wait around forever for him to finally do it? Hell, no.
I had already wasted one summer waiting for him and I wasn’t about to throw away another summer.
I needed to show Kalen that I didn’t need him and I didn’t want to keep feeding his ego.
He had texted me that “technically”, while Melanie was home for the summer, they were just going to be friends with benefits but his relationship status on Nxpage had yet to change at all.
I started to be completely honest with myself: I knew I couldn't just be friends with him- I know in my heart I would always be holding out for something more and I hated it. When we were together the chemistry was undeniable. I was thankful that he moved away, it would make this summer easier...

My summer would consist of working as many hours as I could at the local Museum gift shop- the closest employment I could get to anything that had to do with geology and my mom’s friend, Denise was the owner. I figured it would be a job that would look best on a college application. I had to start taking school more seriously if I wanted to become a geologist. 

The tangible realness of my scholastic career stared me in the face as I watched Callie rise to accept an award for top grade in History for the 11th grade. She was also the top grade for English and Graphics in the 11th grade. Callie had a 5 year plan laid out. I was just simply trying to get through existence.

“Nice,” I finished clapping as Callie sat down beside me on the bleachers.

“That might be it for me,” Callie thumbed through her awards and nodded.

“Are you going to aim for all of them next year?” I joked.

“I don’t think I have the strength, my brain needs a break,” Callie smiled.

“Mine too,” I agreed. I needed a break from men. I needed to get my head straight and focus on the future...