Pressing Play | Watty's 2015

Part 11

"Rennie?"

What was she doing? Why would she kiss me?

"Mo, I'm sorry I had to kiss you this way, but I just couldn't wait. When I saw your note in my locker, I just kind of freaked out," I had no idea what she was talking about so I kind of just stood there. "What note," I ask confused.

"The one where you said you really liked me and you wanted to kiss me," she was just so excited and I didn't know what to say. I was still in shock. "Oh that note, yea I know which one you are talking about," I play it cool, "but I kind of am in love with someone else."

"Oh," her excitement died, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now so we could always just sneak around." Rennie's wicked smile had me interested, but I didn't know what to do. Should I say yes? Should I say no?

"I'll think about it," I tell her. "Fair enough. I've got to go, see ya later Mo," Rennie runs out of my arms while she waves her hand goodbye. Oh god, what was I going to do?

I walk to my car and see Tiffany leaning on it. "What do you want," I say harshly. "I wanted to come by and apologize for the whole hair thing. I tried to get Chelsea not to do it," Tiffany kindly says. "I don't fucking believe you so get away from me," I try to open my door, but she blocks me. "I'm telling you the truth," she tells me. She let up on her weight on my car so I quickly open it. She backs away and leaves. I just felt so confused and angry and hurt. I didn't know what to do. I repeatedly hit my steering wheel with both hands and screamed continuously. Tears poured out.

I decided to drive home. So I put my keys in ignition and start it up. I moved the joystick to drive and left the school parking lot to go to my house.

"Mo where have you been," Matt greets me hysterically. "Out. What's up," I ask. "Nothing I just wanted you home," he smiles slightly and hugs me. We walk up to my room. I noticed that Matt was wearing long sleeves. "Why are you wearing long sleeves? It's almost 90 degrees," I ruffle his hair. He looks down and I grab his arm. I pull up his sleeves to see scars. New ones. "Matt, why," I ask him. "You do it so why are you looking at me hateful," he yells. "Because I didn't want you to end up like me," I start tearing up, "why did you start?"

"All these guys are giving me crap about being gay. They bully me a lot," he informs me. "Oh my god. Why didn't you tell me sooner," I ask. "Because I didn't want you to do anything. I don't need to be bullied even more because my sister has to protect me," he had a point. "Cutting is not a solution to problems. I know I do it. But if one of us was to die, it should be me because you have so much to live for," I caress his cheek. "You have so much to live for too. What about the event planning company you wanted to start," Matt asks. "I'll never get into business school," I look down to the ground with sad eyes. "You are so smart Mo," he hugs me which makes me fall further on my bed, "Say it! Say it! Say it!" He wouldn't stop tickling me so I said it. "I'm smart, happy now?"

Matt nods his head and hugs me one more time before he leaves to his room. I laugh and smile at this memory. Sometimes it's the little things that can make me smile. He was always adorable. Even as a child, we'd have this unshakable bond with each other. I think it was because of the abuse. Our dad when I was little, about age 7 and Matt age 5, would abuse us emotionally and physically. Matt took most of the punches since I was a girl and he thought he was more masculine. Then the sexual assault I went through really hit Matt harder than it hit me. Our cousin lured me into a room after we swam and assaulted me, sexually. At first I didn't know what was happening. I just thought that they were showing their love. I was only 8 at the time and didn't know much about sex. I only told Matt and he outed out our cousin ever since. My parents don't know. Neither do my friends.

I focus back into reality and start playing on my phone.

From: Stacy
Hey wanna hang at my place?

To: Stacy
Nah not today, I'm not really feeling it.

From: Stacy
Oh come on. I haven't hung out with you in so long.

To: Stacy
I'm sorry. I'll make it up with you. I'm just really stressed.

From: Stacy
You know you can talk to me about anything?

To: Stacy
Yea I know that but it's just something I need to do on my own.

From: Stacy
Ok. Goodnight!

I repeat the same text and plug my phone into the outlet. I look on my phone at Instagram. I click Matt's account.

First picture I look at is the most recent one. We did a photo shoot in our backyard last week. I took some dramatic pictures of him. He was wearing a beanie, red shirt, and black jeans. One of the comments I saw were, "Die Homo Fag." It's so weird for me to be so accepted by Rennie and Luna and the GSA kids, but my brother can't even be accepted by his closest friends. I shake my head and shut off my phone.

I lay there on my bed and stare at the ceiling. The popcorn ceiling stared at me back. I was so confused about Rennie and Luna. I didn't know what to do anymore. All I could think of was seeing the scars on Matt's wrists. I wish he had told me. I understand why he didn't though. I wouldn't want an older sibling standing up for me either. It only makes everything worse.

I decide to get up and put pajamas on. I take my t-shirt off along with my jeans. I first put on some shorts. Then I hear my door creak open.

"Alan, what the fuck," I scream uneasily. "Shh, Mo I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you," he calms me down. I put on my pajama shirt while keeping my bra on. Alan closes my door. "What do you want," I ask as we both sit on my bed. "Tiffany told me to tell you that she was telling the truth," I cringe. I was too stubborn to believe it. "Whatever. I don't want to talk about it," I say. He nods his head, "So what's with the new haircut," Alan asked. "Chelsea cut my hair," I roll my eyes.

"Is that why you quit the team," he points out. "I quit the team because I didn't want to be like them," I inform him. "Oh cool. So how's it been going? We haven't talked in awhile," he laughs. "It's been awful yet okay," I laugh.

He smiles. "One thing I know about you is that you can handle anything because you are badass," we both laugh. He hugs me tightly before we say our goodbyes.

Alan made me realize something.

I shouldn't let Chelsea and them ruin my life. I shouldn't let Chelsea and them scare me.

I need to be me.

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