daily dose of reality.

Thursday, April 18, 2013.

IF YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT, GET OUT. I'M WRITING THIS FOR MYSELF. 

Feeling gullible, stupid, and plain worthless.

To think he and I were going somewhere, I was wrong. It's sad. Not for him, of course. But, for me. With his one gesture, I easily "fell" for him again. And he stayed on my mind for what, a few days non-stop? But, what about me? I was never acknowledged. Never greeted. Never spoken to. It's just like last year all over again. And I hate myself for being so fucking stupid.

I cried again at school today and I want to kill myself for that. I hate shedding tears. Especially at school. And I try my best not be affected by ANYTHING, then I end up crying anyways. I admire those who are always happy even when they have the darkest problems. I fucking hate everything about me. How I try to be strong, but in a matter of seconds, I give in. It's unfair.

I hate venting out to people now. Honestly, I have no idea how my friends stay to be my friends. If they even truly are. . .

I hate how I try to stay quiet about my problems and act normal, but then I go around and tell 10 million fucking people. I am so tired of myself. I am so sick of my traits. It hurts. I'm surprised I don't go back to cutting. I'm surprised I'm not on the verge of being suicidal.

Even when my closest friend offers to listen to me and just let it out, I just don't want to anymore. I'm just not in the mood anymore. I just don't want friends anymore at this point. I just want to stay quiet and . . . ugh, I dislike how bipolar I can be. 

What if i just didn't talk to anyone anymore? Holy shit, I think it would be paradise to my friends. I know how much I burden them with my fucking pointless drama and cries for help, but really, if I were one of my friends, I'd hate me. I'd hate me for being such a cry baby and loser. To be complete honest, I don't feel like I have REAL friends. They may be out there, I just choose to deny it because why should I accept it in the first place? 

There's always one point in your life where you imagine what it'd be like without you existing. I have those moments daily, honestly. I just don't tell them a lot. I wish I didn't talk at all. If I didn't exist, a heavy weight would be lifted from those who surround me. I'm not even exaggerating. I know it for a fact.

I mean, even my own father knows something is wrong. With my sudden quiet-ness and awkwardness around the house. But, can I tell him? No. I was never close to him when I was younger, but now, I feel like he's the only family member who would understand me.

I take that back, actually. No one would. Of how complicated I make my life, I think people wouldn't bother to listen. I sure as hell won't.

Dear Future Self,

You could be reading this tomorrow, tonight, next year, whatever. But, just know, you're a loser. Just stop already. It's useless.