Everything.
There's an emphasis on the word. Everything could mean everything, from the party right up until this point. Everything could mean everything, as in the history of us knowing each other. The history of us repeating history repeatedly.
Everything, everything.
So I stare at him. It allows me to experience this moment. The very same moment it seems like he's struggling to internalise it, what he shared. What he was shown. What he now knows. Perhaps what he is about to share.
Micah hums, running both his hands through his hair once again. "I found it strange."
After a few seconds of waiting, assuming he'd continue with his speech, of which he doesn't, I say; "Explain."
"All of it. I found it strange because I wasn't sure exactly how to perceive it. Finding out that we've basically, oddly enough, known each other longer than either of us can comprehend. What either of us have been through. I found it..."
There's another pause.
It's a heavy one. But there it is again, the look. It's distant, yet carries so much weight. So many thoughts behind those eyes, the very same eyes that look down at the sheets.
It tugs at my heart, I'll admit. Seeing him seemingly so... hopeless? Alone? Confused, possibly, and I'd be confused too if I was in his shoes.
"I found it... painful."
Again, another tug to the heart.
I lick my lips, moving slightly to readjust my sitting. "Micah—"
"You knew?" Once again, he lifts his eyes to mine. The light overhead cast a shadow over his eyes because of his hair, though I see his dilated pupils staring directly at me. "You carried that with you all this time?"
"No. Well, not all." I'm mumbling. "I don't remember anything from New Years' backwards. I... she erased those memories."
"So how did you do it?"
"Do what?"
"Keep it from me. Not say anything for as long as you did. Live another day pretending that we didn't have something, when we did. Be willing to be friends when deep down, you knew we were something more."
I sigh, heavily, breaking eye contact and looking towards the television that's still quite audible. I lean over to the other side, reaching for the remote and mute the big screen. Then, I adjust my nightdress, all whilst he watches the hem being lowered as much as possible to my knees.
"Micah—"
"Did you really love me?"
"I— Micah. For the fact that we went through what we did, repeatedly? Breaking up because of your nature and family traditions, only for us to mysteriously come back together? I feel like that should say it all."
"But you didn't fight for me. You didn't fight for us this time around. You acted like we had nothing prior and allowed for us to just be friends."
I scratch the top of my head through my bonnet before nodding. "I know. I lied. I wasn't honest with you completely. I know that. That doesn't mean I didn't love you. I should have told you. I could have told you, but then what? We go back to trying to be together yet again, for what, the hundredth time? Only for something tragic to happen? Everyone in your bloodline and creation knows that a human cannot be mates with a wolf. It only leads to terrible things happening, like death."
"But—"
"I know it's painful. Trust me, I know it because I had to go through it all, pretending. Watching you from a distance. I had to learn to detach myself from you. To forget about a possibility or reality that you and I could be together. I cried myself to sleep countless times, Micah. I stalked you until I couldn't. I put in so much effort to... heal. And it worked. That's how much I loved you. I wasn't willing to risk losing you yet again, because of my desire to be with you. Your Alpha title means so much—"
