One sided love

Chapter 8 - A bit of selfishness

Lee Jieun's pov

After that night, Sehun had disappeared before I had woken up. Somehow his sudden disappearance made my own room feel so cold, so distant. Like my room had lost its warmth with his absence. And every day after that night, he avoided me like my sickness was contagious.

He had always been the most supportive one to me during my disease. He had been the one, who didn't give up hope or try to get used to the fact that I would be gone. He had been the only one that lived in this moment with me. And now he was like everyone else, trying hard to detach every feeling he could possible have for me. He didn't even realize how much I was actually hurt by that.

When he drove me to school, no words were spoken between us. When he picked me up from school after a long, tiring and heart crushing schoolday, no jokes to cheer me up, no eye contact, nothing at all. I felt like I was already living as a ghost.

Sehun ignored me. Myungsoo ignored me. Suzy ignored me. Who was next in line? My loving parents? Would they turn against me at some point as well? This marriage didn't bring harm only because of my groom. It ruined my relationships, but it was too late to regret. Actually, I still didn't. I didn't feel even the tiniest bit of regret. And that made me feel even worse.

I felt like I had lost Sehun from my side, and the feeling was stronger than I had expected. But I was begging for this to happen when I plead on my knees to get a permission to marry Myungsoo. No happiness without sadness, no love without heartbreaks, right? It's already the month's end and tomorrow the wedding should take place.

Tomorrow I would marry him and receive his vow while he stood there with his tuxedo. Maybe I was just too nervous because of the wedding? Was that the reason I, Lee Jieun, was freaking out? It could be that, but also the fact that while the fateful day approached, slowly bit by bit, Myungsoo became even crueler.

Every day he treated me more and more like trash, but what did this silly girl do? I kept loving him. No matter how he treated me, my heart couldn't change, and I already embraced the fact. I loved him. Even if my heart had already shattered to million little pieces, all those little pieces loved him. Unfortunately I couldn't deny that the feelings were one sided, that this was only a unrequited love.

At the moment, while trying to glue the bits and pices of my heart to bear the day, I sat in the car driven by Sehun. This day had been really exhausting after having to pretend I was fine, while my heart knew that I was covering the scars I had received in such a short time span.

But I was not willing to give up from my dream come true fantasy that tempted with all those alluring lies my heart whispered to me. It made me uncomfortable, and I wanted to cry on Sehun's shoulder, I wanted to talk to him, seek for comfort. Yet I couldn't bring myself to do it, because this tension between us was so terrible.

We arrived at our yard and I sat in the car silently for awhile, gathering my energy. This school's popular kind girl, the girl with adorable baby face. The girl people said was the nicest girl in the school, sometimes in the whole world. As usual, this girl just denied everything, assuring everyone that there must be someone even nicer somewhere in this world.

Because I wasn't one to lie. I was well aware of the conscequenes my thoughtless actions had brought. I was selfishly ruining someone's life and a fully blooming relationship just by wishing some happiness for myself. I also broke someone's heart. Why would people think I was the good one?

I sighed and hopped off the car, slamming the door close loudly. It was an accident, but it made me feel the slightest bit better.

Sehun fidgeted when he heard his abused car's sound, and clearly he wanted to come over to me, to preach about how to treat his precious work car. But he couldn't do it, I saw the hesitation in his eyes. It seemed like he was going to keep avoiding me. Silence filled the air, but then he walked over to me, tapping his hands against his thighs, revealing how nervous he was.

Usually I would smile at this point and bow, as a joke between friends while apologizing, but this was not one those days. Today, I allowed myself not to care, let my worries and disappointment overtake me for awhile.

I had been awfully selfish lately. Maybe it was something that had occured to me while I tried to get over the fact that I'd never graduate. Maybe it was justified for those, whose time was about to come to an end. Maybe it was my way of living the fullest, throwing the grief aside. Would I not have any regrets?

All this sadness, desperation, hate for myself, fear for death and small, small happiness that was drown under the other feelings kept me on my toes all the time, sometimes too strong, sometimes too small to be noticed. I could not talk my parents about all this, they would worry for nothing. I didn't even dare to tell these to Sehun.

I wanted to lay my head on my mother's lap while she'd stroke my head. I wanted to be the perfect heiress for my father, I wanted to be the perfect, loving wife for my husband. I wanted a lot of simple things.

I bowed slightly to Sehun, with no emotions shown on my face. "I'm sorry.." I muttered breathlessly, and against my normal behavior, I ran inside, leaving Sehun dumbfounded by my odd actions. I almost ignored my mother's calls, but I couldn't do that for her.

I looked around our mansion for her, and slowly her voice got closer and closer. Finally I found her in our garden, placing some plates on a decorated long, wooden table. She had placed some red candles along it and matching napkins under the eating utensils.

"Mother? What is this for?" I asked in confusion. She looked stunned until she smiled warmly.

"Jieun. It's for your bridal party!" she exclaimed happily.

"Oh," I stated in surprise. I wasn't sure how to react. I wasn't going to have a party feeling like a mental patient, I just wanted to cry under my blanket and forget everything until tomorrow came.

"Don't tell me you haven't invited anyone?" she inquired with a voice laced with disappointment.

I wondered for awhile if I had told anyone about my marriage, but it didn't take long to find an answer I really didn't like. I could only watch until I saw her face turning sad, paper plates being dropped on the table and a gloomy atmosphere taking over the garden.

"I did tell someone," I hurriedly muttered, giving in to her as always. Her face brightened immeadiately by my response, and I felt a smile tugging my lips.

"Who?" she asked with sparkling eyes.

"Bae Suzy," I told, hiding the grimace. Mother wondered if she had heard that name before, but nothing came to her mind.

"Who is that lady?" she asked.

"My... Classmate," I told. I wasn't lying for her this time, Suzy was my classmate after all. Suddenly my mind travelled to my new friends, and my eyes lit up. Why couldn't I invite them? There was no reason not to. That sounded like some good news after a long day. "And the Jung family!" I exclaimed in joy.

"The Jung family?" my mother asked and I nodded. All I needed was a driver to take me to their house, and I knew exactly who I was going to ask.