The New Romantics

Chapter Nineteen: Last Kiss

We talked for an hour or so about the park and life and 'are you still traveling?' and stuff like that. I pushed Benjamin to the back of my mind, but he'd come back when certain songs came on. Branden started to notice when I'd mentally leave the conversation, but he didn't say anything until we ran out of things to talk about. 

"Are you thinking about Ben?" I nodded and looked down at my hands. How terrible to admit something like that. He nodded in thought and went silent.

After long and hard thought, he spoke again. "What do you like about him?" The question took me completely by surprise. 

"About Benjamin?" he nodded. "Well, He was sweet and kind- like, a little too kind. He liked to read and he was always there for me. We had stayed together through every one of my stupid mistakes and he only ever gotten mad once, maybe twice. He was always looking out for me, but in a fun way where I wouldn't notice. I never got bored of having him around, and I never had to worry about how I looked or if I made a fool of myself, because I knew he liked me for me." I had been looking at the dead air in front of us, imagining all these terribly awkward moments we had. "I like him because while I was focused on the world around me- how everything would end up and if it all was going to plan- he was focused on me. He didn't care if I got anti-social or felt like destroying the world as we know it, he just cared if we were together. He cared about me." I looked at Branden, suddenly realizing all I just said.

He had a slight smile on his face as he watched me. "Liz, we both know I can't be that, I'm too full of myself to worry about much else. Yeah, I really want to be with you, but I can tell your heart just isn't in it. I couldn't tie you down if you want to run free, you know? I would hate someone who did that to me, and I'd be such a terrible person if I went against my own words." I looked back down at my hands, knowing pretty well where he was going with this. I found this quite ironic that's why I broke up with Benjamin.

"Who knows, maybe I'll become more mature and we'll end up together, but I don't think that will happen any time soon." He became extremely serious. "I think you and Ben belong together. Anyone can see it. You two fit together so well, I'd be an idiot- and a jerk- to keep you two apart." He placed two fingers under my chin and turned my head to face him,  smiling as he pressed his lips to mine ever so lightly. He pulled away a moment later and took one of my hands in his. "I'm not going to lie, I figured this date would end something like this. I knew you would somehow think of Ben, even if it was through something as simply as this park bench." I laughed slightly. He had no idea. 

He smiled. I loved his smile now. "I most definitely want to be friends. I want you to know if you need me, I'll come, just give me a ring. But you have to be with Ben. No question about it." He squeezed my hand and stood up. I followed after a second, trying to process everything. 

"You've spent the past year trying to get me back just to give me away," I remarked.

"Huh. I guess I have. I just want you to be happy, okay?" I nodded. "Come on. I'll walk you home." I smiled and gave him a hug before we started walking. 

I realized as we walked back to my place that we all do drastic things we think are for the best. We seem to, though, end up right where we began. We do what we want, not thinking of others, especially our future selves and it ends where it began. Our choices are what shape us and make us...well...us. It looks like when we make the wrong choice, fate does this seemingly cruel thing and brings us full circle. Most of the time it ends up that fate did that for the better. It was watching out for us and decides yeah, we screwed up, but we deserve a second chance sometimes.

My choice of breaking up with Benjamin and going out with Branden has brought me back to boyfriendlessness. Hopefully I'll get back to Benjamin, but I find that hard to believe. And maybe my only choices are not Branden and Benjamin. I had a teacher in high school tell me we usually only see Door 1 and Door 2, but maybe the door we need is Door 14. Maybe Benjamin has moved on and I'm suppose to live forever alone with cats. I think I'm okay with that. 

I just wish I'd figure it out before I hurt anyone else. Before I hurt myself.