The New Romantics

Chapter Sixteen: Oh, My, My, My

I had to admit, the looks from the three outside my room were pretty appropriate. It almost made up for them spying on our conversation. Almost.

Benjamin's reaction probably hurt me the most. I could actually see the pain I just put him through.

All these people staring at me started to freak me out. They had an excellent reason to stare, but on top of what just happened, I couldn't handle it. I couldn't even think correctly. 

I somehow managed my way through the huddled of stunned people and into the living room, all without making eye contact. I felt a bit successful.

Benjamin followed directly after me, then Martha, Branden, and eventually Alex came out, although he was going to the kitchen. He seemed done with this drama. I wished I could do the same.

The number one event on my agenda was talk to Benjamin. Number two was talk to Branden. But what exactly would I say to Benjamin? 'Hey, I just kissed Branden and it felt just as amazing as it use to. But I still love you and I don't want you to leave.' That sounded totally wrong.

I know Benjamin loves me, but this isn't the first time I've kissed another guy. I know I shouldn't, but it just keeps happening, and I keep letting it. I love Benjamin just barely enough to let him go. I can't stand hurting him like this again and again. 

They were stilling staring at me. I must have been thinking longer than socially allowed. I didn't mind their staring, if they weren't looking at me like I had all the answers in the world. Like I could explain what happened in my room four and a half minutes ago. News flash; I don't have all the answers. And I most definitely can't explain what happened. 

I asked Martha to keep Branden occupied so I could talk to Benjamin. She gave me a disappointed look but took Branden to my room. I pulled Benjamin over to the couch but didn't say anything. I couldn't think! He obviously knew what happened, and should have hated me as much as I did.

"Listen. Benjamin, I don't have an explanation for what happened. I thought of a sort of apology, but it's not even worth saying." He looked taken aback, and very confused. Okay, an apology is always worth saying, but I had a point. "We both know this isn't the first time I've done this, and you should know you haven't hidden your pain as well as you've tried." I looked down at my hands, not bearing to look at Benjamin anymore.

"I hate hurting you like this, I really do. Today it hurt too much to see how much I hurt you, and I can't stand to do it again. I know you won't break up with me, no matter what I do- which is great- but I just can't keep seeing you like this." I had been talking forever, but I was trying to be careful with my words. I knew what I was saying was getting to him, but I'd rather hurt him a ton once, then a little bit for the rest of our dating life. I sighed and gathered up my conclusion. "I'm an immature teenage girl who keeps hurting people and has enough common sense to distance myself from them."

I'm sure Benjamin knew were I was going with this, because his eyes had filled with tears and he was repeatedly asking me to stop. 

"Benjamin, I love you, a lot, that's why I have to let you go. I couldn't live with myself knowing how much I hurt you. You deserve so much better than this, and I'd be a terrible person to keep you from that." I had tears in my eyes also. I hated this. I hated myself. I hated leaving him. But I hated the thought of keeping him from happiness even more. 

"Elizabeth," Benjamin said quietly, but his voice strong, "We've been dating for a year. I won't move on that simply."

"I'm not expecting you to. I just- I don't want to do this to you anymore." I sighed, hoping he understood. 

He nodded and stood up. "Fine. Leaving hurts more than any of this, but if it makes you feel better, I'm gone." He was trying to hold back tears, and do what made me happy, which made me feel worse. 

"I'm sorry Benjamin, I really am. I just don't tru-"

"I get it. Bye, Elizabeth." He walked out without another word. 

"Finally!" Ah. Right. I forgot how much Alex hated Benjamin. I looked over to see him doing a little happy dance. I really really wanted to hit him.