The New Romantics

Chapter Twenty Six: Begin Again

Hearing Benjamin say that was literally the highlight of my week. like I said, half of me was expecting it, half of me wasn't, but certainly hoping. 

I think I was still crying- or maybe I had stopped and started again- but they were tears of joy this time. I let them fall freely, but just this once.

I was probably making a mistake in being so happy in hearing him say such a thing. Not because being happy was wrong, but in this situation, and probably later, it's going to bite me. And nothing against him, but I don't think I can handle another biting from a relationship involving him.

Although, if a lot of people we know say we should be together, shouldn't I believe them? Sometimes if you are around something for a really long time, you don't know if it's any good any more.

I DON'T KNOW. He's got me all frazzled now, almost like I've been the one drinking. I didn't know him saying he loved me would get to me as much as it usually does. Actually, I guess that makes sense. Sure.

Benjamin cleared his throat. I all of a sudden realized what was going on. I was gaping at him, and he was staring at me with a look of...Confusion? Suspense? Worry? Oops.

All I wanted in that moment was to fall into his arms and live there forever. 

"I- gosh, you're confusing." she shook her head and smiled, looking down to buy herself time to think. "I could say this really long thing, about how I shouldn't say it back, how you probably don't mean it, 'cause you're drunk, but would you really lie about such a thing?" I didn't give him time to answer. I barely gave myself time to breathe. 

Benjamin looked like he was barely following along, but I'd take anything I could get. I had to figure this out, and I had to figure it out now. 

"It can't be worth it, can it? All this pain and heart ache we've put each other through? But how can you decide what's worth what? We're, like, nineteen and twenty! Not even old enough to drink! How can we be old enough to decide what love is worth? It can't be trial and error- that's such a terrible plan. But there have to be people who are obviously worth your time, and Benjamin, oh Benjamin, you have to be worth it. You must be worth this fight. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't."

And I guess that decided it. It had to. I wouldn't be here if he wasn't worth it. Why did that take two weeks to decide? I guess I work better in context.

Benjamin smiled at the end of my confused and weird and crazy sounding rant-speech thing. I couldn't help but smile back. He made the smallest step forward, as if he didn't know what he wanted to do. Hug? Kiss? I didn't care. I took that small step as an okay to move forward. 

He was only two feet away, so I practically jumped into his arms. He was stunned- obvious from his stumbling backwards- but he quickly recovered.

Having his arms wrap around me only made me feel better. 

"Let's never do this again," I whispered into his ear. He held me closer in response and kissed my shoulder and neck. I gripped his t-shirt tighter.