Phan-One shots

Him

Words: 900

warnings: Swearing, violence

Songfic for the song 'She' by Doddleoddle

Am I allowed to look at him like that?

In my family, being gay is a sin.

I really want to be able to accept myself.. but that would lead to the unforgivable act of rebelling against my family.

So its either acceptance from your family, or continue to secretly stay in this relationship that I've created with my boyfriend.

Could it be wrong when he's just so nice to look at?

Today is the day that I am finally going to tell them. And if they don't accept me, than they'll just have to live without me in their life.

"Are you sure that you want to do this Dan?" He asks me.

"My mind is tearing me apart, I have to." I confess as he pulls me into a loving hug. Were standing in front of my house. Its now or never.

Before we open the door Phil leans down to give me soft kiss and intertwines our fingers together.

---

They're all here.

My mum, dad and my little brother. They are going to be so disappointed. Just stay calm, breath.

Me and Phil stand in the doorway of the family room and whiteness the looks of pure frustration and shock from my family when they see me and another boy holding hands.

They haven't even said anything, and I already know, I'm dead!

My anxious levels go even higher when my fathers face goes completely red.

"Daniel Howell, what the fuck are you doing? Holding hands with whoever the hell that is!" I knew he would react this way. I can feel tears well up in my brown eyes, my lip starts to quiver. I can tell that Phil must be scared as well, he is insanely tense.

But loving who I love isn't wrong!

He smells like lemon grass and sleep.

He tastes like apple juice and peach.

"I, Dad I-I have something that I need to get off of my chest.." I stand there for a second and bite my shaking lip. I take one last shaky breath and let the words spill out of my mouth. "I'm gay."

I can see that my father is close to tears himself, so is the rest of my family. But Phil, Phil is being brave for me. He just looks at me and gives me a reassuring smile. "You did it." He whispers.

I nod back at him, but why do I feel so nasty.

"You cant!" My dad screams even louder, loud enough to shake the foundation of my quaint house.

"What do you mean I cant?" I say just loud enough so he can hear me. "I love him!" And its so true, I love Phil with all of my heart.

"How? Fag love is so unnatural! You're sixteen years old, you don't even know what love is!" The redness of his face intensifies.

You would find him in a poloroide picture

"He means everything to me!" I say a bit louder.

I feel Phil wrap his arm around my waist protectively, than he kisses the top of my head affectionately.

This only made my dad more upset.

If I knew that my family would have reacted this badly, I would have never told. I would have never said a word.

"I want him out of my house!" He yells. My heart sinks. Phil promised that he would protect me no matter what. What will they do to me if Phil's not here.

"Wha-"

"You heard me! Get out!" He was full on yelling at Phil now.

I look up at Phil worriedly. He still looks the same way he did when we walked in, cool and confident. "I'm not leaving you Dan."

"You have to.. he will kill you if you don't go."

Ill spare you the gory details at to what had happened next, lets just say, I wont ever see Phil again. Bless him for being so amazing.

And oh It aches, it feels oddly good to hurt.

I still see him at school, but he isn't looking his best. His face is paler than usual. His black eye has almost completely healed, and one things for sure.. I still love him with all of my heart.

Ill be okay, admiring from afar, cause even when he's next to me he could not be more far apart.

---

Its been so long since I have last talked to Phil up close.

I bet he smells like birthday cake, and story time, and fall.

---

Two years have past, my father is a changed man. An older man at our church explained to him why it is okay for Christians to be gay, why most people take the bible and read it wrong.

"So I can see him again?" I ask shyly.

"Yes.."

---

Its our senior year of high school, I wonder if he remembers me.

I tap him on the shoulder on the first day of school, never forgetting his amazing smell, lemon grass and sleep. "Phil?"

He looks unamused, mad almost. "Yeah?"

"I still love you." He pulls his lips into a line and crosses his arms. I hide my hands in my black sweater. Please still love me..

"I'm sorry Dan, but I cant love you back." With that he was gone, and permantly out of my life forever.

But to him I taste nothing at all.....