A Theory Of Revolution

II - Careful

When the end of the day finally came I was glad to leave school; I hadn't been able to concentrate all day, I was so worried about Jake and what he had to say to me. I didn't want to meet him, I thought that I would leave and get on the earliest train in order to avoid him but then this was Jake, my closest friend; I would stay and hear him out. I couldn't really understand what he was so annoyed about anyway; it was not as if I'd killed his cat. I walked away from the school and made my way to the park where we had agreed to meet; the sky was dark with thick, grey clouds which threatened me with their cold presence. I shivered, but not because I was cold. I was nervous, the dark sky was closing in on me, urging me to run, to leave Jake in the park and get the train home. No, I had to hear what he wanted to say. As I made my way down the alley way leading to the park I thought of what he'd have to say, it was a strange thing to think of for me, I'd never seen him angry, not really angry. The only time he'd ever raised his voice to me or cursed at me was when he was drinking; drink seemed to have a negative effect on his sociability. I knew he'd probably be mad at me, he'd shout, and he'd probably have neat little cuts on his arms.

Guilt was something that was a problem for Jake, I never understood why it controlled him the way it did. Each time I hurt myself, he'd be right behind me doing the same, but worse; not for attention, but through guilt. Jake felt my sadness was his fault, like somehow he had forced me to do it, but it wasn't his fault. His problem was he wouldn't bother hiding it the way I did, his cuts would be on show - especially when I was around. So he could show me his pain, so I could feel his shame in me, in himself.

After what seemed like a long and tiring walk I reached the park. I looked around, no Jake. I made my way to a sturdy looking tree and sat beside it, leaning my back against the trunk. I closed my eyes and hoped that Jake would find me of his own accord, I didn't want to think about what he was going to say to me, I knew it would be bad and I'd worried myself enough about what he'd say to me. I thought about my meadow, my happy place. The grass was green and the sky was blue and the clouds weren't making empty threats and Jake wasn't there to disapprove. I began to pull at the yellowed grass around me, pretending that I was in my meadow, pretending the weeds were vermillion poppies and that the bag beside me was a soft mound of moss for me to lean against. I was in paradise. Then I felt something on my head. The rain came slowly at first, tiny, slow, cool droplets which plopped gently onto my forehead. I opened my eyes and looked around, Jake was still not there. Then the rain really sped up. The drops were violent, attempting to penetrate my skull, attempting to break my peace. I would not be moved. My hair began to stick to my face and my clothes were soaked through, I was overcome by the bitter cold. I shivered. The cold affected me a lot, I could never understand why.

I began to shiver more violently, wrapping my arms around myself to keep warm and using my blazer to shield my body from the rain. Just as I was about to leave I felt a warm object wrap around my shoulders, it tightened and, Instinctively, I snuggled into it. Jake was there, sat beside me, wearing a thin T-shirt and jeans. I wondered why he wasn't wearing a jacket; it wasn't exactly the weather for wearing little clothing. I shivered again and pulled the warm object tighter, it was his coat, it explained his poor choice of clothing. Jake's eyes were cold and threatening like the clouds, I braced myself but Jake said nothing. Then Jake took his coat from me and threw it to the side: this was what I'd expected from him. But still there was no cursing. Suddenly Jake slid up me sleeve again, revealing the neat cuts I had made the night before, I felt embarrassed at myself so I didn't look. I could feel his soft fingertips tracing the patterns which the cuts left in my skin, the slow motion on my arm relaxed me and I closed my eyes a little. But the motion stopped abruptly and Jake took my hand. His grip was too tight on my wrist as he forced me to touch his face but I didn't complain- it was not the time. One by one drops of warm water touched my fingers, speeding up rapidly like the rain but the water shouldn't have been warm. Warmth is for good things, right? Jake's tears carried on rolling, I wanted to move. I struggled against his grip but it was no good, I guessed he wanted me to feel his pain, literally. I hated it; I began to cry too, the thought of upsetting him hurt me so much but this pain was nothing, nothing compared to what I felt next. Jake released his grip and I snapped back my hand, I had about enough time to shake off my hand and get the feeling back in my fingers before Jake had my wrist in his grasp again, this time he was gentler with his touch. I could feel his reluctance, flowing from his fingers. I felt a ridge, then another, then another, they just kept coming, more and more, the ridges were hard and rough compared to Jake's perfect, soft skin. As my fingers ran across the last one Jake gasped, I turned quickly and saw what I dreaded seeing most. My heart fell. The ridges were just what I had suspected. Ten neat large lines were burgundy and shiny, contrasting against Jake's tanned skin.

"Liz, look what we've done, it hurts to see doesn't it?" Jake's words tumbled over his tears as he spoke, I wasn't surprised.

I choked, trying to speak, no words would escape my trembling lips. As I wouldn't speak Jake decided it was his place to start.

"Elizabeth, look what you've done to yourself, you're destroying yourself. I don't think you understand the damage this causes, not just to your skin, but your mental health, to mine as well." I had plenty to say to that just as I was about to interject Jake carried on. "I can understand what it's like, it's an addiction, but you have to get through this, Liz, not just for yourself but everybody. How long will it be until your family stop believing those crappy excuses of yours? How long until they realise who you really are?" Jake spat his words at me, I was filth.

"but Jake," I started, half expecting him to start up again " Jake, I feel like I have to, it's the only kind of pain I can really deal with, I'm careful, I don't leave a trace, I hide it well and I'm sure that I won't do any further damage." I was proud that I had answered him so easily but he knew exactly what to say to hit me right where it hurts.

"Oh, you won't do any further damage?"

"No, I'm extremely careful, you know I am."

"Have you ever thought that it damages me, Liz? It hurts to see you breaking yourself apart piece by piece, cutting away at your tiny body, did you ever stop to think this isn't just about you? You're close to me, it's like you're a part of me, I think you need time to understand that."

I flinched a little at the pain rising in my chest; I couldn't believe he'd never told me before. I flung my arms out and held him, and, for a moment, he held me too, we hugged for a small while, then he pushed me away.

"Things have gone too far, call me when you're sane again, okay?"

Then he walked away, and I couldn't stop him, because I knew he was right, but

I didn't want to leave for a while, so I stayed and watched the sun fall through the sky, just the way my heart was plunging to the bottom of my chest, I'd screwed things up big time. As the last drops of rain finished soaking through my clothes I began my journey home, I was cold, wet and hungry and although the rain had stopped my tears were flowing faster than ever; finishing where the rain left off.