A slow fall

Chapter 31 - Caleb

    "You're gay?" As soon as she spoke the words my stomach dropped.

No. No, no, no , no.

I wasn't.

Why did I say that? It wasn't right. 

I wasn't. I wasn't. I wasn't. 

I couldn't be.

It was wrong. It was a sin. It was disgusting, and I was better. I was getting better. 

But I'd said it and Faith stood there with an expression of such clear shock that I didn't know what to do.

Lie. But what would be the lie and what would be the truth?

I didn't say anything, my throat felt tight and I couldn't speak. I felt like crying, but I blinked back the tears and tried to swallow down the fear trying to claw its way out of me.

She took my silence as confirmation and I wished I could turn back time. Maybe all the way back to my early childhood, back to when I realised my differences and somehow thought it was okay.

It wasn't. I wasn't okay.

I needed help. What kind I didn't know anymore.

I could barely understand Faith's words as she spoke. They didn't make sense, though nothing did. I didn't know what was right or wrong. I didn't know who I was, or who I should be.

"Oh my, I am so sorry." And her tone was genuine, her face void of judgement and the disgust I so rightfully deserved. "I wouldn't have been doing this," she gestures to the space, or lack thereof, between us on the sidewalk, "if I'd known. I feel like a right idiot. My dad told me that your parents told him that you like me, that's why."

She looked sheepish, as she kicked her feet against the ground and avoided eye contact.

Why did nothing make sense?

This wasn't right. She shouldn't be standing there apologising to me like she was in the wrong. Like what I'd said was acceptable and normal and that I was okay.

I didn't know what to say, how to convey everything I was feeling, everything I wanted to ask, without making her rethink everything. "You don't- you don't mind?" I asked.

My voice didn't sound right to my own ear. A trembling sound that failed to hide all the emotions swirling around inside of me.

"Of course not." Her eyes softened as she finally met my gaze, "Caleb, love is love. God wants us to be happy, who that's with is none of my business. God loves us as we are, you know that right?" When I once again couldn't speak, she reached for my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "The fact that I've been trying to flirt with you, now that is a tad embarrassing."

And somehow I laughed.

"Friends then?" She asked, letting go of my hand and putting some distance between us.

"I suppose that would be okay?"

She gasped, "You suppose?"

We fell into step again. Her house was on the corner of the street, tall and proud. A status symbol her parents would deny.

"Let's do this again then, yeah?"

I found that part of me actually wanted too. So when I said "yeah, let's" it wasn't just out of obligation. "Hot chocolate next time though."

"I guess we could do that."

Then before she could leave I made sure, "can this stay between us?"

Without hesitation she said, "Of course," before turning and walked down the path to her house.