Pancakes on Christmas Morning, Reprise

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I once wrote about pancakes on Christmas morning
sickly sweet honey, dripping over white hands
their grandparent's tree, stomachs turning
a marked disgust at observing the land

I think back to pancakes on Christmas morning
I try to wave away the fear in the air
in the mind's eye, broken from years spent yearning
the voices I crave to hear are all there

I once wrote about pancakes on Christmas morning
When my heart was stifled, dimmed and mislead
I unearthed my suffocating heart this morning
and found out what I truly wanted instead

I hate pancakes. They're boring and bitter.
Christmas is the worst holiday of the year.
I learned I'm immortal and I'm no fucking quitter
I found out that I have never felt fear

I don't want pancakes, or Christmas cheer
I want a sunset watched and a caress of the hand
I want the solstice, Lupercalia, every new year
A kiss under the stars, to be something

I want a farm, a mountain, and a sea
I want to wake up with my arm around you.
I want the forests, the birds and the bees
I want it to be you. I want it to be you.

I never know what I want, that is the curse
of being buried alive and brought back from the dead.
But I don't want pancakes or fucking Christmas.
I want you to be mine, not just in my head.


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