I started writing this a long time ago, and I know that the title of this has been used on another book, and theres several songs too, but it felt right for my story. Enjoy!
Chapter one
I will remember you.
‘I see myself in the mirror,
I ask my refection what it sees.
It replies,'nothing'.
I am empty, I am weak, most of all,
I’m not happy.
I want to cry,
I mostly want to shout,
but I can do nothing only observe in doubt.’
I recite the silly little poem in head, to keep myself from falling apart emotionally. Over and over again the poem flows as I just made it up on the spot, remembering every word, and repeating it.
I look at the reminders of what was, I look up at the sky and see what is. My world has come tumbling down before me, without my permission, without any warning to me, is that the way its supposed to be? Such a fatality bestowed upon me?
The hole in the ground means nothing, only a place where my dearly loved mother will be buried for all eternity, that thought doesn’t quite sit right with me. The fact that my erratic mother will forever lie still, pains me. I wipe my eyes for tears, surprised to see that none have fallen, I can never even imagine what it would be like if my face was full of tears. I think, personally, that it would show signs of weaknesses. I want to be strong for my mother, and myself. If I can get through this without looking weak, I won’t feel as weak, and hopeless as I do right know.
I give a shaky sigh. This shouldn’t have happened, not this, not now and not her. The only person I had left in the whole gigantic world of ours and I lose a person that should have never been lost. I look down it my black dress, and my black shoes. I think of what a what colors my mom liked, they sure weren’t black I’ll tell you that; pink, light green, red, sky blue, and yellow. My mom was all about light. Being happy when you were sad, and strong when you didn’t think you could be.
I try to be that strong person she was, but no luck I can feel myself crumble. A few people come and say sorry for my loss, or ‘if I needed help with anything' they were there. Most people just climb into their cars and zoom off down the road. I just nod and say thank you. I try to smile, and when I do, I feels as heavy as the world.
It starts to rain and I feel Gods tears crawl all over my face, I think God must be sad too to make it rain in a town in Texas that nearly never rains. Rain falls all over my clothes, and I see them fall on my mothers casket. Flowers of all sorts lay on top of it, roses, orchids, and every type of flower you could think of. I see the flower of Narcissus, I always call it that, opposed to its other name because the story of Narcissus was always one of my favorites. A beautiful flower, but short lived. Just like my mother who had a beautiful soul but it died out much too early.
I take one more look at the casket as they set her in the ground. “Bye, Momma, love you.” I whispered. I set my sights on my car and go walk to it. I don’t look back, because there’s nothing to look back to. I just look right ahead and focus my eyes on my little black car. My little back Honda accord. I open the door to my car and just sit in it. I sit in my car for what seems like forever, I sit in my car long enough to know that my momma was buried under the cold forsaken ground for the rest of the years to come on this old earth. My Momma was dead and gone to me now, never again would I hear her laugh, see her smile. I could only see cloudy memory’s in my head that will fade away with the years that will go by. My momma is only a memory now, at that, my fondest memory.
I drive home, a place where I know her sent still lingers. I pull up to the little old yellow house I call home and walk on in. Inside I don’t see the loving home I grew up in, all I see are brown cardboard boxes that said things like, ‘donate’ and ‘goodwill’ my favorite said, ‘Crap no one wants.’ Aside from the boxes, I saw my brown suite cases all ready to go for the plane tomorrow.
I only had three suite cases, I was moving to New York Ciyt, with my brother and father. Who, couldn’t make it today because my father couldn’t bother to buy plane tickets. ‘To expensive to buy right now with the way things are going.’ which would have been more believable if I didn’t know how loaded he was.
Me and my father aren’t on the best of terms, we never really have been. I’m a Mamma's girl, born and raised in middle of no where of a city just out side of Montgomery. My bother was a Daddy’s boy, born in the middle of nowhere, raised in the central of a huge city. Daddy likes my brother, Dane, a whole lot better than he likes me. My father always likes to call me Alice instead to Alize. He never liked the name that my mother chose for me, then again, my mom would go on and on about how my father named my brother after a dog.
I think of all this as I stare at my cases, only three, three is all I’m taking to a place nowhere near here, only three little cases that belong to me. There’s a lot of other stuff of mine that I want to take but, Father said no. It cost money apparently to ship more than three bags, more than he was willing to pay for his daughter at least. I insert my Ipod headphones and get lost in my music, turn it up so loud I don’t think that I would be able to hear again, so loud it would block my thoughts from everything. Blocking from thoughts of living with my father until I’m eighteen, thoughts of living with my brother again, something I haven’t done since I was six, most of all thoughts of never seeing my mothers face again.
With thoughts of my mother I throw myself on the only furniture we have left in house, a twin size mattress. I ball up and hold my head with my arms I try to convince myself not to cry, I tell myself that crying isn’t going to bring my momma back. To my surprise, I don’t cry, I just take in shallow breathes until my eyes fall heavy from the days events and I go into a dreamless sleep, me leaving the world. I hope my sanity lives there, ‘cause I sure can’t seem to find it now.
comment and vote if you want the next chapter which I already have written!
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