Queen of Chaos

Ace.

I awake to the blinding light of a gas lamp blaring in my face. The sensation of being dragged jumpstarts my heart and I start kicking out violently. There is a boy at my ankles, dragging me steadily towards the open car door. All I can see is the outside world in flashes, flashes, flashes. “NO!!!!” my voice cracks and creaks as I kick even harder, the fast air from the open door whipping my hair around. Surrounding me are guys staring at me expressionlessly; none is more than three years older or younger than me. 

A stray kick flies and lands right in the guy’s mouth; a sickening crack echoes in the car and the guy releases me instantly. He spits blood inches from my face and curses at me outraged. I scramble to my feet and run headlong into the cage at the back of the car. My tailbone takes the impact as I fall heavy onto it. I catch my breath and push my hair from my face. A deafening growl sounds and a huge paw swipes out at me, catching a part of my cheek and my chin. 

Something grips my shoulder and slides me back quickly. Warm brown eyes meet mine and I flinch away from the proximity of his face. “Why are ya ‘ere?” In the background I can hear the comforting sounds of the train, the cursing of the guy I kicked and the pacing of the animal in the cage. I catch my breathe, breathe, breathe and count the beats, beats, beats of my heart. Then I meet a pair of heartwarming brown eyes nearly hidden beneath matching dark hair. He tries again, slowing his words and trying to hide his evident accent. “Why are you here?” His rumbling voice takes every syllable slow and sure as if I am a small child that needs consoling. 

“I would like to join the circus.” Laughter echoes around the suddenly cramped feeling car and my cheeks are painted red, red, red with my embarrassment. I blink at them dumbly, hating the stupidity, shame and regret I suddenly feel in my stomach. “I don’t understand what is so funny. I demand to see the ring leader of this circus immediately.” When none of them moves towards the car door I clear my throat and move uncomfortably on the hard floor.

“No one just joins the circus, stupid.” It is the guy with the bruise blooming on his chin, the one with rage in his eyes and determination set in his jaw. I cock my head to the side knowing both that it will enrage him and also in attempt to figure him out. There is a scar in the shape of a circle at the nape of his neck. A large circle. The diameter of a cigar. “Stop looking at me like that.” He shoves his white blonde hair from his face roughly, slams his cap back on his head and turns away from me. 

“What he means to say is that typically we don’t take in strays.” I flinch at the familiar term and tuck my dark hair behind my ear. “But we do take in guys for the crew…” The guy with eyes the color of Georgia red clay mixed with mud trails off and removes his dark tan cap. His dark calloused hands come and pile my hair on top of my head. When the cap can’t contain all of it he pulls a knife from his pocket. Instincts cause me to flinch and I fly back to the wall beside the open car door. 

“Whoa easy ther’. I am goin’ to cut some of ya haaar.” Something within me snaps and I finger my waist length hair. He takes it and cuts off eight inches all the way around, then adds bangs that barely brush the tops of my eyebrows. The toe haired guy kicks it from the car floor and I watch as the wind captures the strands and separates them. The guy piles my remaining hair on top of my head and slams the cap down on it. Then he untucks my shirt from my dark brown pants and straightens out the baggy tan shirt. 

“What are you doing Tommy? If he finds out we are all in trouble.” Tommy turns to glare at the guy and then turns his eyes back towards me. “I am not involved in this at all.” There are grumblings around the room of agreement. Tommy rubs dirt beneath my nails and untucks my pants from inside my boots. “How is she going to pull her own? You know he bumps the weak ones. How can we expect a girl to work hard enough to stay?” Tommy’s eyes twinkle in the gas lamplight and I nearly swoon. 

“I will ‘elp ‘er learn the ropes. She won’t let ma down.” The surety in his voice makes me confident in abilities I do not even possess yet. He stands from squatting in front of me and offers me a calloused, tanned hand. “‘Ome on. I will show ya the crew quarters.” I take his hand and keep my eyes on the darkened cage in the back where I can see the dark outline of a prowling predator. “Ya don’t talk much do ya?” I shake my head slowly and follow him to the side car door. His hand slips from mine and I feel the absence immediately.

He jumps effortlessly from one car to the next, over the clanging flimsy looking chains that hold the cars together. I hesitate and stare at the tracks flying, flying, flying beneath us. “Just jump.” With one foot planted I vault myself, stretching, stretching, stretching for the other car. My heart skips and I hold my breathe as the time slows and doubt creeps in. Then I am there. On my feet. In the next car. 

“Whoa.” Tommy glances between my eyes and then smirks, revealing a surprisingly white and straight smile. My eyes flicker between him and the blonde guy with the cigar scar, scar, scar. All of the guys are watching me, as if they suddenly realized that I am a girl… Suddenly uncomfortable I scratch my head beneath the hat and stare down at my muddied boots. Tommy clears his throat and continues onto the next car. And the next. And the next. And the next. Along the way Tommy makes small talk, asks questions I usually answer with one word replies.

“So what is ya name, boy?” He gives me a sheepish grin, his teeth somehow managing to sparkle in the limited light. I jump another car and feel as my heart stops, stops, stops; I think of how I will never get used to this and that maybe this was a mistake. As I jump another car I feel myself stumble and the foreign feel of someone steadying me. His hand, hand, hand, on my arm, arm, arm. Inhale. Exhale. He asked me something…what was it? My name? But I can’t use MY name.

“Ace.” My brother’s name feels foreign in the rushing air between two train cars; it sounds like the name of a stranger as I ride farther and farther from home, a place I have never left before. Is this how everything will feel? Detached and new as if I have been reborn and are just figuring out how to walk, how to talk? Tommy releases my arm and I wonder if I imagined it all. He glances back at me as we maneuver around piles of cloth; he cocks an eyebrow curiously and I watch as the dried mud on his forehead cracks. 

“Alrighty, Ace. In the mornin’, we will still be movin’. ‘Alf of us takes the back cas and the rest take the front cas. We feed the animals and ‘elp the people with anythin’ they need ‘elp with. Ya followin’ me so fa?” He says so far as if it is one word, two syllables. I nod and shove a loose strand up into my cap. “Now you stick with me and talk to no one. And quit walkin’ like that. Sway ya hips less befo’ Chris slips in his own drool.” Red, red, red is my cheeks as I suddenly find my boots absolutely fascinating. 

By the time we stop I feel as if we are in the front most car. The car is jammed with three cot high bunk beds. Some of the guys continue to the next car and I catch a glimpse of more cots in there. Scattered around the floors are more and more cots and I glance around at the multitude of guys. “You can have my middle bunk cot.” Tommy pulls some of the scattered quilts from the floor cots and rests them on one of the middle cots. 

Unsure of myself I bend and untie one of my boots and then the other. The rocking of the train car sends me off balance and I fall on one of the cots. Quickly I rise to my feet and apologize to whomever sleeps on that cot. My boots in one hand and the cap in the other I tiptoe to the cot, climb up and lie down. “Urm…Tommy?” He turns, that twinkle in his warm brown eyes. Suddenly everything is too much, much, much and I choke on my gratitude. “Thanks.” He nods once, his eyes show understanding how few times that word has come from my lips.