Queen of Chaos

Them.

Although I don't speak much at dinner, I am completely content to listen as Leila speaks animatedly. It isn't until after I wolf down my double helping of spaghetti that I notice a lack of a particular group. None of the crew is situated around the fire yet; I nervously twitch. How much trouble will I be in if the ringleader notices my laziness. Leila's mesmerizing laugh breaks the tension in my bones, bones, bones and I turn to stare at her.




I continuously find excuses to touch her, not to be creepy but rather to assure myself she is real...surely someone so utterly perfect can't be real. Curiously, I noticed her doing the same to me, brushing my shoulder as she laughs, touching my arm during introductions. Perhaps she is unnerved by someone as plain as myself.




She leans over abruptly and whispers, "Don't worry, he can't get angry at you." Then she turns back to the story she is telling about a young bull rider who once carried her back to the circus after a whirlwind night. The story contains all of the ingredients to the recipe of storytelling, but I find myself more interested in the way the firelight plays over her features. I feel as if I have stumbled across a fairy tale and she is the princess who gains the happily ever after. I want to be her friend, to bask in her marvelous presence...and she seems to be allowing it in her magnificent kindness.




How strange I feel, to suddenly be so taken by another person, to crave just being in their presence. The feeling has surpassed mere friendship and incarnated into some beautiful, abstract thing. While I cannot find words to describe the emotion, I know it will fade when I leave her presence and can only be recaptured when I stumble back.




There are sounds of hollering and laughing as the large crew waltzes towards the fire, covered from head to toe in mud and grinning. Under Tommy's arm is an oddly shaped ball and Leila turns to meet his eyes across the fire. A smile of brotherly love captures his face and he throws the ball to someone behind him. He nearly walks straight into the roaring fire, but instead swivels around the flames.




"My dearest brother! Where have you been and in what mischief?" He makes a move to sit and the small man beside Leila hurriedly moves out of the way, "I have found the lovely girl you have been hiding from me, your plan has been foiled." Nearly everyone surrounding the huge fire is watching the conversation unfold.




"I wasn't idin' her, Le. I could never hide anythin' from you." The conversation turns away from me, but my head continues to switch between who I watch. Out of the corner of my eyes I notice the muddied crew crowding around the fire, plates piled high with spaghetti. The gap beside me is filled by Billy's lanky form.




Leila glances over at him and laughs at nothing; her hand brushes his. "I hope you are making sure Tommy stays out of trouble." Billy smiles back, captured in her spell, in the beautiful, abstract emotion; I am taken aback by the handsome masterpiece his face transforms into when he smiles. I find myself smiling a little at the sight, watching as the ice of his eyes melts when he looks at Leila.




"Have you met his most recent trouble? The man can't seem to reign in his hero complex." Billy spares me a quick glance before returning his attention to Leila.




Leila surprises me by wrapping an arm around my shoulders and kissing me boldly on the cheek. She presses her soft cheek against my filthy one and declares, "I absolutely adore our little Eris! She is absolutely fascinating and utterly refreshing!" The violinist has started playing again in the distance and Leila claps her hands in delight.




"Oh Thomas dance with me!" She stands in one fluid motion and reaches for her brother's hands. Others around the fire have met in a beautiful dance, the air shimmering around them. Helpless against her charm, Tommy rises with her and they join the shimmering dance. But the violinist is playing a slow, sorrowful song that contrasts with the glow of Leila's movements.




I am so enraptured by Leila and Tommy moving as one around the fire, I nearly miss Billy leaning closer. "She is amazing isn't she?" I nod and enjoy the warmth of the fire on my face. "She is the light of this place." Again I nod, amazed as she seems to give off more light than the roaring flames. The fire eater is playfully blowing ashes on a small girl who squeals about the danger of her hair. One of the men with bulging muscles lifts a log with a row of beautiful women who scream in delight at their sudden height.




"It is amazing how this place can feel like home when my entire life was spent in the shadows. Now here I am, nearly scalded by her glow and I feel at home for the first time." I pause in my lengthy speech and glance to my side to see Billy watching me, his eyes still slightly defrosted from his contact with Leila. "Is that strange?"




Billy takes a long pause before answering and I watch the firelight flicker over his sharp features. He tilts his head down and his eyes are engulfed in shadows, a muscle jumping in his jaw. Then he meets my eyes and I nearly flinch at the level of emotion in his eyes. "Not strange at all." Someone clears their throat and we both glance up to see a tall form of red. It is at that exact moment I realize how close Billy and I are sitting, our knees brushing and our hands inches from each other on the log.




The ring leader glances between us and then directs his heavy gaze on Billy. I squirm backwards on the log and watch as something silent and deadly flows between the two men. And just like that the slight warmth in Billy's eyes seeps out and his eyes become stormy once again. He nods once, short and angrily. The ring leader smiles like a cheshire cat and mutters, "There's a good man." When he claps Billy on the shoulder it is obvious that there is a hidden meaning in the motion.




The mysterious and painfully handsome man turns gracefully and addresses the circus. Somehow there is a cup in his hand and I ponder when it got there. He raises it and the entire air shifts becoming electrified. "Friends tonight we celebrate the beginning of a new show. The first of many and here is to this one being as perfect and magical as the rest." With the cup tipped to his lips he glances down at me and mischeviously sips from the cup in a manner that is undeniably hedonistic. Breathless I watch as he lowers the cup and licks the couple of drops that missed his mouth.




Disgusted in myself, I look away and watch Leila laughing and spinning in her brother's arms. I can tell the ring leader has left simply by the change in the air. Suddenly, the mysticicm in the air doesn't feel as homey, but rather it suffocates me. The laughter in the air feels oppressive and mocking; with a soft whimper I peel myself from the log and start off into the darkness. The heat of fire warms my back as I drift farther and farther from it. Cool night air strokes my face and I breathe in deeply for what feels like the first time.




The violin music grows fainter and fainter as I let the brightest star, star, star lead the way. The ring leader's tongue sensuously licking the red liquid from his lips replays over again in my mind. With a groan of utter frustration I whip off my cap letting the strong wind capture my thick hair. What is wrong with me? My boots sink into the deep mud and I feel the wetness seep through my pants. A root deep in the ground trips me up and I fall to my knees, knees, knees in the dismally wet ground. I make no move to stand and let my head fall into my hands.




I take another shaky breath and whisper different words three times as is my dysfunctional habit. Even way out here the haunting violin pierces me faintly along with the laughter. Again I feel the line drawn clearly in the mud. Them. Me.




"Them, them, them." My voice cracks on the third repetition and I swallow roughly. Them. Me. That's how it's always gonna be.