Queen of Chaos

Bone.

The sky is still a dark purple when I feel the train screech to a halt and the guys all grumble in the car. The guy above me leans down, his face inches, inches, inches from mine and grins. "Hey there beautiful." He offers me a hand that I shake and he pulls it up to his lips. "What is your name, gorgeous?" In the limited light I can see his eyes shining hazel and I feel myself nearly hypnotized. My hand is still lingering in his and I slowly pull it away.




"Eris." He swings carefully from the top bunk and lands neatly between two floor cots. I can see his light brown hair hanging ruggedly in those hazel, hazel, hazel eyes. When he offers me a hand that I hesitantly take it and allow him to pull me from the bunk and onto the floor. Everything feels weird not moving and I feel a nervous energy in the pit of my stomach. My hand in his feels solid, solid, solid and I don't pull away as quickly as I should.




"Gryph. Lovely to meet you Eris. I have to leave now, but I will see you very very soon." He brings my hand to his lips and then he is gone, gone, gone. The guy on the ground to my right groans and stands, shoves past me and peeks out the car door. He groans again about the rain and slams his cap on his head. Unsure of what to do, I set out looking for Tommy, whispering his name among the awakening guys.




When I find him we venture out the car door and start towards the middle of the huge field. There are already guys dragging out the huge red striped tent and I feel the nervousness rise, rise, rise. A huge grin spreads across my face as I am ordered to pick up a piece of tent and start walking backwards. It is heavy and I feel my arms aching with the strain, but I continue. Once the tent is up I grab a rake and start raking away the grass and evening the terrain.




"Eris." My name is spoken softly, but I immediately recognize the voice and my muscles tighten painfully. As my body turns I think how slowly time is passing and when my eyes meet his I feel time kick into overtime. "I need you to start moving the animals into their cages." He tosses me a huge chain that I catch clumsily. "Get moving, girl." The loathing in his voice snaps the smile from my face and I wrap the chain over my shoulder.




He turns, the shade of red perfect on him and not a drop of rain on his entire body. I feel lower than low, as if his opinion has been the purpose of my entire life and that I have failed. I start with the smaller animals, like the birds and the baby chimps, who hang from my arms and touch my cheeks. Then I move the larger animals such as the elephants and hippos into their new cages. The elephants carry me between them by my arms and I laugh giddy.




The big cats are the animals I actually need the chains for. The tigers are easy, they lean gently against my hip as we walk and rub against my hands. The jaguars are harder, their eyes shifting constantly and pulling teasingly on the chain, while I curse at them in German. Others that speak the language smile at me and knock against my shoulders gently. Finally I climb up into the darkened lion's cage and grin. "Hey there sweet boys."




Three shadows pace back and forth and I raise an eyebrow. One of the grown lions comes and nudges at my chin gently; "Now who are you, mister?" The older lion has gingerly picked up the cub in his mouth and comes towards me now. Carefully I wrap the chain around his neck and nuzzle his neck gently. "Come on Sam." The other lion chomps down on the back of my loose shirt and we start out the cage, one of my hands clutching the chain, the other clutching the new lion's mane.




The new cages come into view and I lead the lions into it. The older lion collapses on the ground with a huff and sets the sleeping cub on the ground; the new, younger lion nudges my hip and licks at my neck. "You guys are my favorites, ya know?" After I feed the lions I start wandering the grounds, helping where I can and picking up bits of trash and stuffing it into my pockets. Occasionally some of the acts will come up and introduce themselves, welcoming me as the new "animal wrangler". I put on a smile, tuck my soaking wet hair behind my ear and shake all the hands.




I sit in a random spot of the field, feel as the rain soaks me to the bone, bone, bone. Absently I examine my scarred hands and fight as memories rise in my mind. Humming to myself, I pick at strands of muddied grass and shiver slightly. The ring leader's look of pure hatred rises in my mind and I let out a breathless sob. Somewhere a sad violin begins to sing and I lie back in the muddy grass, letting the merciless rain punish my raw face.




Without really meaning to, I lose myself to cruel memories that bring on bitter nostalgia.