Queen of Chaos

Exchange.

When I return to the campgrounds the once skyscraper of flames is now a gentle fire, cared for by a trusted crew member. He tips his hat, but doesn't offer me a smile; lest I forget my place he returns his cap and I return mine. Although there is no point, I stuff my thick hair up into my cap. I feel safer behind the guise of a man, no matter how unconvincing it may be. Without a clue where I am to sleep I look to the dark skinned crew member.




For a second I swear his eyes glitter in the darkness and a sharp toothed grin slips across his face. And I cannot deny the momentary quickened pace of my heart, heart, heart.




Bump. Bump. Bump.




He cocks his chin down and the glittering eyes appear to be swirling.




Bumpbumpbumpbump.




My heart is threatening to leave my chest now and I jump at the voice at my back. "Leave her alone Chuck." Chuck returns his eery eyes to the fire and immediately his face composes into a neutral expression. The aftermath of unformed terror still rocks me and I can't seem to move.




That grin...




"Come along, Eris." Billy's shockingly tall figure is safe compared to the beast in mans clothing that is now idly poking at the ashes. His hand wraps entirely around my upper arm and for a second I panic. The familiar feel sets in immediate adrenaline; he seems to notice and loosens his grip.




"Easy there. It's alright. Your eyes are playing tricks on you and you're tired." He is using that voice. The one he uses to soothe the animals enough so he can feed them and care for them. A voice so gentle and fragile and completely at odds with his gruff personality.




And I am ashamed he has to use it with me.




"I am fine." But I believe my eyes because I know more than anyone that seeing must be believing...even if it's false, it's real. An idea that appears contradictory on the surface but burrowed deeply in truth; only those who have experienced it can truly understand the paradox.




Billy has. I know he has. His eyes whisper his fake truths and his real lies and I have had enough time to work them forwards and backwards.




I am rambling. My mind working overtime to erase the image of the man by the fire. It is trying to bury the vision under building blocks of confusing logic and mental paradoxes. Because to survive I have to both believe my eyes and pretend I didn't.




"Where did you wonder off to." He threads the words into a flat statement, his voice altering away from the delicate glass voice. Billy is on the other side of the equinox and quickly edging away from the gentle and warm version of himself I witnessed earlier. The ringleader did this.




"I had to cool down. The fire was getting to me." His hand is still wrapped around my arm but I leave it there; it isn't hurting and I feel I will collapse, collapse, collapse without it's anchoring.




"Tommy and Leila were worried." Of course. They were worried, but not him. The clear line drawn feels as if it is sliced into the tenderness of my stomach; a piercing painful reminder. I want so badly to be a part of the them. Want to believe their concern genuine. But I am merely a pawn, a stray who feels physically pained by the impassible abyss between myself and the magical, beautiful ones.