Unspoken

Chapter 11

October 5, 1992

Marlena stood out on the veranda listening to the sounds of Venice settling down for the evening. Her arms were wrapped around herself, but she was too tired and sad to think much about it. She'd been distracted all day by another dream. She'd woken up reaching for a baby that didn't exist, while covered in a fine sheen of sweat. That, combined with Isabella's quick decline, was taking its toll. Not just on her, but John. Even Brady was showing signs of being dysregulated and aware of changes. Babies could sense those things.

Years before when she was in medical school, Marlena had done rotations at Johns Hopkins to determine her field specialization. Ultimately she'd chosen psychiatry, but she'd been very interested in oncology as well. Her time with those patients tugged at the same part of her mind that made her an excellent psychiatrist – her empathy. She knew what was coming. Isabella was already showing signs - extreme weakness, and difficulty moving around in the bed. Marlena expected that in the next few days Isabella might not be able to get out of bed at all. Brenda was already helping her bathe. But Marlena worried about how John would cope when Isabella's lips drooped, or she stopped eating entirely – when the muscle tics started or the confusion happened.

"I was wondering where you'd gone," John said softly behind her.

She startled slightly, and then smiled, continuing to stare out over the canal. "Well, you found me."

"Are you okay?" he asked. "I haven't really asked you how this is affecting you."

"When I was at Johns Hopkins I worked in oncology for a six week rotation. I knew what to expect when Isabella asked me to come." She sighed, and finally looked at him. Her eyes were filled with tears, as she whispered, "I just didn't expect watching you and Brady go through this to break my heart."

"Hey. Hey," he said, moving behind her. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, and felt relieved when her head fell back against him. His voice was gentle in her ear. "This is hard for all of us. I find myself alternating between sadness, and absolute fury. Brady and I are losing her, and there's nothing we can do to stop it. My son will grow up without knowing his mother... but part of me, Doc, part of me is so fucking angry with her, and I can't even tell her." Marlena reached up, gripping his forearm where it stretched across her. She closed her eyes, feeling the rumble of his voice against her spine, as he said, "She was supposed to fight this. Not give up."

Her voice was just a whisper as she told him, "You know it wouldn't have mattered. Fighting it wouldn't have changed the outcome."

He sighed. "I know that. I do."

"But it doesn't make you any less angry."

"I feel like such a fucking ass. She's dying. I can't be angry with her for that." He leaned forward slightly, breathing Marlena's scent when the breeze blew up from the canal. The air was growing cooler, and she wasn't wearing a jacket. "We should go inside," he whispered.

Turning to face him, she felt his arm drop. It would become too intimate to be that close if they were face to face. He stepped back. She sighed softly. John didn't even notice. She missed the feeling of him enveloping her while they talked late into the night. Those moments when they were married meant so much. She stared up at him, meeting him as a friend. "Grief is a funny thing."

John cocked his eyebrow at her but said nothing. He wasn't sure what was funny about it.

Her eyes were kind as she said, "Not funny ha-ha, but funny in that there are stages of grief that everyone goes through and experiences differently." She laid her palm on his chest, feeling his warmth underneath. "You started grieving the day you got her diagnosis, John. You were in denial then, and you might be again later. You'll be angry at Isabella, angry at G-d... and even angry at yourself. You've probably thought of every possible way to try and save her, but you know it won't work, and that helplessness fuels the rage... but here's the thing, you've got to feel it. You have to allow yourself to go through those emotions, and if you're scared to share that with Isabella... that's why I'm here."