Unspoken

Chapter 14

October 10 & 11, 1992

Marlena pulled her knees up to her chest, and wrapped her arms around them, staring into the flames of the fireplace in the library. The butler lit one in there every night, now that he knew she eventually made her way there most evenings. She loved that room with its floor to ceiling bookshelves, and dark woods. She wouldn't compliment the treadmill John had stuck in the corner for his workouts, but she knew why it was there.

It was well after ten o'clock, and the house was silent, but she was wide awake. She shifted on the couch, and her sweatpants slid across the soft leather easily. She'd been avoiding being alone with John ever since the day before when she'd crossed lines she never should have crossed. Her cheeks heated as she thought about the way she'd straddled his body... the way she'd kissed him. He hadn't kissed her back. Perhaps she'd be less embarrassed if he had. But she could still feel the pinch of elastic at her waist where his fist twisted in the soft fabric. He hadn't been completely immune.

Scooting lower onto the couch, she sighed, and let her head fall back against the cushioned arm. The heat from the fire was making her drowsy, and she felt her eyes growing heavy. John's soft voice from behind her, brought her back quickly. "I seem to find you here a lot."

She smiled, glancing back at him, and then looking towards the fireplace again. She sat up straighter. "It's so peaceful. I feel like I can think in here."

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, coming to sit on the other end of the couch.

She watched him for a moment, studying the way the flickering flames added shadows to his face. She didn't answer his question. Instead she said, "I thought you were asleep."

"I was," he said, getting comfortable. He stretched his arm along the back of the couch. "Until I wasn't."

"Oh."

"I've been thinking too, and I wanted to talk to you about what Isabella asked you the other day," he said. "About adopting Brady. It seemed to make you uncomfortable, and I wanted you to know it's not an expectation. I feel as if it put you on the spot, and–"

" –it didn't make me uncomfortable. I love Brady, and I feel so close to him now." She thought about John's soft words the day before, and she glanced towards the door. It was closed. Looking into his eyes, she asked, "It's just us?"

His heart skipped. She was asking if she could be honest. He nodded carefully, repeating, "It's just us."

"When Brady was born... I could hardly look at him. He represented everything I could have had with you, everything I'd lost. I–I avoided seeing him... seeing you." She wrapped her arms more tightly around her knees, whispering, "I feel so guilty for that now... considering everything. Isabella wanting me to adopt him felt... wrong. It felt as if I was stealing him from her, because... I don't deserve that gift."

"In Mexico we made the best choices we could at the time," he said.

"Did we?" Marlena asked. "I could have come home alone. Perhaps, seeing how my marriage has turned out, I should have come home alone. Roman isn't interested in a marriage–"

" –maybe when you get home you and Roman can work through this," he suggested.

Marlena shook her head sadly. "No. I don't think that's going to be possible, but you're such a wonderful friend to try, and be optimistic."

John laughed ruefully. "I'm not. There are a million things about Roman Brady that I can't stand. I've just never said them out loud."

"Why?" she whispered.