FEELS: The College Diaries

Chapter Fourteen - Darkness

There are rare moments where I find myself in darkness. When the tears won't stop and I grow more frustrated with myself by the second. Sometimes I feel as if my mouth can't speak what I wish, lately I've been getting my words all muddled up, saying the things that are on my mind, but not what I want to say or even not at all. An example would be when I was talking to my mum and instead of saying 'money' I said 'monkey', it was funny at the time and to look back at. But personally it makes me worried.

When I tried to show my concern to my parents, about how my head isn't making any sense, I ended up hitting my head against the wall. On purpose. I have actually done this a few times before, when I'm annoyed with myself, I try to knock some sense into myself. Since my brain is the fault here, the reason why I have narcolepsy in the first place. I know it's not exactly a good idea to bang my head against the wall, but I do this in hope that my brain will function normally. Of course this isn't the case and doesn't make the situation any better; it only leaves me with a sore skull.

I don't tell my friends about this, the only people who know are the ones who witness it, but the rest of the time I've been doing it behind closed doors. I'm trying to not to get to that point and avoid it if possible, but I give myself so much abuse, as all I long for is to work the Same way every else does.

This is why I need a therapist, I know I don't have a lot of bad days, but when I do, they're unbelievably damaging to my self-esteem. It's difficult to pick yourself back up when everyone is expecting you to get on with it and be strong like many others who have it worse off. Sometimes I fear one day I won't. If it wasn't for my love of writing and music, I don't know where I'd be mentally.

I had a series of truly wonderful graphic dreams in the last month. I can't remember exactly who was in my dream, but one evening when I decided to take my nap after coming home from college. Veronica said she heard me making 'noises'.

"Yeah she was grunting and sounding weird." She told my mum.

I sat awkwardly in the living with a smirk on my face, after Veronica returned to her laptop I confessed to my mum what the dream was about.

"What?! You have dreams like that?!" My mum shrieked in disbelief.

I nodded calmly not feeling at all ashamed, "Yes. I thought you knew this."

She seemed quite shock about how I was capable to find pleasure in such dreams about sex. Sadly, the guys in my dreams can't seem to have a mind of their own. I always seem to have to move them about and yell commands until they do anything, sort of like a puppet. Which is sad and makes me feel guilty. The only bright side is in reality it would be very different.

So I won't be expecting any roses this Valentine's day, well not that I expected any in the first place. I'm actually not too fussed about it this year, valentine's day is an empty holiday that is an excuse for couples to show off and have sex with each other. Ivy tall backed me up on this, whilst Ivy small doesn't like to be so negative.

"It's a commercial holiday and it's so pointless." She sighed.

I nodded, "I wouldn't want to celebrate it anyway, imagine if you were with someone who didn't like valentine's day and didn't get you anything? You'd want to stay single."

"You're both so cynical." Ivy sighed looking up from her iPod.

Ivy tall smiled and continued to back me up, sometimes I felt like I was at the firing line with Ivy. During media we would be best chums watching funny videos and fan-girling over the latest fandom gossip, then the next I felt as if I was annoying her. If I was speaking negatively she would reject it and tell me to basically stop.