June soon arrived and now I have finished college. It is a strange bitter sweet feeling, I feel like I have tied the loose ends up properly but I'm glad I have left. I imagined on my last day to kick Scott in the balls, then kiss Cain, if he's single. Or maybe have somebody stop me by the college gates, as they confess their undying love then he'll give me a lift home in his car, so I don't have to get the bus. How romantic am I? That's a rhetorical question, I'm not at all.
But in reality never ever happens the way you would like. The last time I saw Scott was when he was sat nearby in the library before half term, I last saw Cain when I passed him outside of class, the guy I thought I liked he said goodbye in general during class then left, I had a feeling that was the last time I'd ever see him. So once again I never really grown close to any boys at all, but at least I can function more like a normal human being round the opposite species now compared to two years ago.
A few weeks ago, I met up with a friend who I hadn't seen for nearly three years. Alison became my friend when I moved schools, but she missed her last year due to social anxiety and depression. Nobody completely understood what state she was in, me and my friends would think she was being overdramatic the situation. Another girl I knew, Edith, who got bullied and was quite an outsider suffered from depression as well.
"She totally fakes it for attention." One of my 'friends' laughed.
I used to play along and join in, believing Edith was a weird and was brainwashed to make fun of her so that I could be a part of my friendship group. Yet I sat with her in history, one moment I would be friends with her and sharing our interests in history, then next I'd have to pretend I couldn't stand her, when actually I didn't mind her company. The only thing that slightly annoyed me was how she would talk so much that I would zone out, but that was due to her aspergers that she was diagnosed with later that year.
"Jenna got kicked off the table for being friends with me." Edith admitted.
I looked across to Kat and my friends, she was the leader, she controlled who was on the table and everyone had to roll with it. Jenna was a nice girl, at first I had problems understanding what she was saying as she had a heavy Indian accent but then it became easier to communicate with her.
I hated myself for allowing someone to treat Edith so badly; I would watch her cry on the yard and not comfort her, fearing that Kat would get everyone to turn on me. Edith is presently still my friend, Kat and her group is not, except Alison.
Anyway when I met up and went to have a drink with Alison in a café, I realised it was the first time we actually were alone together, not a part of the group.
"So have you been out with any of them?" She asked.
"No, I haven't seen them since I bumped into them at the university conference."
Her eyes widened in disbelief, "Really?"
I nodded with a smile, I really didn't care anymore. I knew how it was now and I had other friends, real friends beside them. Deena and Emilie, as well as Jenna and Edith were the only true people I got out of that school, but they hardly keep in touch either.
"I've saw them while I'm out sometimes, they say we go out but we never do." She said trying not to seem sad.
"Wait so you haven't been out with anyone at all since you left?" I asked feeling guilty.
She shook her head, Alison had been suffering and her friends weren't even there for her, they still weren't. The poor girl hadn't gone out with a friend since she was 15 years old, I felt so sorry for her. She didn't go into detail, as Alison was one of those girls who didn't like to dwell on the negative.
She explained her when she didn't turn up to the audition we were meant to attend together it was a bad day. I know I'd never understand how Alison felt, but since being diagnosed with Narcolepsy I felt I had a better idea of how frustrating it must be to have to struggle even though the signs are not always physically visible.
I felt this connection with Edith as well, that's why I feel guilty and hate myself for mistreating her depression as a joke in the past. I was a dumb school girl who desperately tried to cling onto so called friends, the ones who turned on me in the end; spoke to me whenever it suited them and how they missed me when they didn't even bother to get in touch with me.
"I've learnt since leaving school, that they were not real friends. I wouldn't waste your time on them." I admitted.
Yet I hadn't seen her up until then, so was I also referring to myself? We later visited the museum, then Alison had to leave to meet up with her boyfriend. She always smiled brightly whenever she spoke about him, if it wasn't for him I fear what state she would have been in now.
"We were meant to meet up, but I couldn't do it because I panicked about the amount of people and stuff. So on my birthday he turned up at my door with a huge teddy bear!"
Oddly enough I wasn't envious, I was generally happy for her to have someone like that in her life. He travelled all the way from London to see her, which was for the first time as well. I think she wanted me to meet him, as he had also said years ago how he'd like to see her friends. The boy had been going out with her long enough, so he must be itching to meet us, well there was only me now.
***
I went out with Alison a few weeks later for her birthday meal; we sat in the Carven walks café, surrounded by Beatles art and music. She seemed upbeat and chirpy, she was grateful for the card and present I gave her. I thought she told me all that had gone on in her life in the last three years, but she hadn't.
"My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer last year." She said casually.
"Alison..."
"Hadn't I told you?" She said innocently.
I laughed sadly, "No, I would remember something like that!"
She explained how her mum was now clear but how it was a really dark time for her, meaning it didn't help her depression and social anxiety any.
Later on she mentioned how she lost 2 pounds in a month, I thought she was referring to losing weight due to stress of her mum's illness but no it wasn't. After shopping, she picked up pastries in Sainsburys for her boyfriend for their birthday theme park trip.
"I should have told you sooner, it's quite personal but I trust you... I was diagnosed with a eating disorder last month, I need to go counselling."
My heart sank, "Alison..." I uttered, "You've been through the mill haven't you?"
I hugged her as that's all I could think of doing in that moment, we continued to talk about why she had a eating disorder, how she was bullied for being fat during high school, which I was unaware of.
"Alison you weren't fat at all and you're not now, you're perfect the way you are." I reassured her.
"That means a lot Audrey."
It's true what people say, those who have been through the worse have the brightest smiles. But it made me feel even sorrier for the girl, how could she not tell anyone? Then I remember those so called friends she had won't make a time of day for her, if they knew all the bullshit she had been through they'd soon come running.
But still that shouldn't be an excuse to go see someone, you should go because you want to be in their company, then you accept them despite their flaws and struggles. I wondered if I didn't have such a bad time myself with my Narcolepsy would I have been as understanding? I dread to know the answer.
YOU ARE READING
FEELS: The College Diaries
Non-Fiction'I had to work ten times as hard as everyone else... And that was just trying to seem as normal as everyone else.' FEELS. Audrey has A LOT of them. Audrey was never always a normal girl, she daydreamed of time traveling aliens to take her away and w...
