FEELS: The College Diaries

Chapter Nine - Guilt

I was stunned how casual I was about the whole experience, I thought on my very first date I would be all giggly and a lot more anxious. I did laugh quite a bit and did feel sick with nerves at the start though. But I don't think I could really digest it all, I was still in disbelief.

So when I did tell people, they were shocked since I seemed to act as if it was no big deal. Maybe others may have thought I appeared cool on the outside but when I was alone I would squeal and turn into a happy loved up mush, but I didn't. I smiled a lot whenever I got messages, since he made me laugh but that was all. The idea of what happened does sound very romantic though.

I immediately texted Ivy about it after, I felt guilty not telling anyone sooner, but I needed her opinion. I told her everything that happened, I worried if she was going to disapprove. But instead she was supportive and glad I found someone who made me happy.

I changed my online status from being single to in a relationship. Which probably gave many of my so called 'friends' heart attacks or may of thought it was a extremely late April fool's joke.

The next day I went to see the latest Disney Pixar film with Lena and Charlotte, who was one of our high school friends'. 'Three is a crowd', this is a term that is used a lot but it is true. There's always going to be someone who is left out of the conversation.

They gushed over their favourite celebrity, Zac Efron, as well talking between each other about college too, since they both attended the Same one, unlike me.

I sat across from them both after film in Pizza hut, which was quite ironic since I was only there the day before. I remained tight lipped and didn't mention it, since when Lena's mum got some details out of me; Lena didn't even look at me and stayed silent for the rest of the time.

When I got dropped off with Lena at her house, the same awkward unsettling era came from her. She went straight to the kitchen and asked if I wanted a cup of tea, I hovered over her waiting for her to ask.

"Lena..." I started, "Did you already know?"

"It's not exactly a relationship." She finally said.

She was referring to my online status which I changed immediately after I thought nobody could see it on their timeline.

"Does he even like you? You can't just say he's your boyfriend after going out with him once-"

I felt annoyance and hurt build up inside, I snapped, "We kissed!!"

We both fell silent; her brown eyes were wide as she faced away from me as the poured the boiling water from the kettle into the two cups.

"Oh." She uttered.

"It wasn't much, it was a quick peck. But you wouldn't just kiss someone if you didn't like them would you?" I replied in defence.

I hated arguing, but I felt I had to stick up for Alan. I was more upset with Lena more than angry, she was talking about him as if he was dirt, as if she knew him ever so well. When in reality she had never met the guy. No matter how what I told her, telling her what happened when I saw him, from the hand holding to the silly conversations we had. She looked at me as if I was telling her about the time I rolled about in horse manure, which I didn't and never will since that would be unpleasant and stinky.

"That still doesn't make him your boyfriend... Can I be honest?"

We sat out in the garden, it was a warm day yet we couldn't resist a cup of tea. I slouched back in the deck chair, expecting the usual age gap or him using me, but she said something which I hadn't heard before.