Finding Sage (Young Adult)

Five: Strength

Sage

I did not sleep last night. Kellan held me in his arms and I listened to him breath and let the warmth from his body soothe my racing mind.

My fingers find their way over my lips while I think about how he kissed me, tender and sweet, yet strong and controlled. Perfectly.

He made me feel so good about myself. For a moment, I was able to see myself through his eyes. Donovan would never do anything like that. He would never want me to feel beautiful and definitely not sexy.

My steps become harder as I walk with multitudes of strangers down the busy Manhattan sidewalk. My therapist, whom I have secretly been seeing for over a year, is correct when she states that Donovan is all about control. He makes me feel bad about myself as a way to make sure I never leave him, but everything that happened last night started a revolution inside my soul.

Walking in on that whore giving Donovan a blow job in our living room was shocking, but not for the normal reasons. The surprising factor was how little I cared about what they were doing. Literally, I felt no emotion over it. The only thing I was really mad about, at first, was the fact that he was doing in my living room. I say, my living room because it's my apartment. Donovan has not given one scent for rent or utilities since we moved in three years ago.

I walked into my apartment and heard music playing in the living room. I dropped my bags and walked into an unexpected scene. Donovan was on the couch with his pants to the floor and a naked woman was blowing him. They were too caught up in the action to notice me. I watched her go at him for about three minutes before I walked over and turned off the music.

"Really Donovan?" I said in a monotone voice.

Donovan's eyes opened in shock and the woman jumps back looking at me. "Sage! Oh, uh, this is not what it looks like."

"Really? Because it looks like this naked woman is giving you a blow job on my couch," I say, while kicking her shirt toward her.

"Well, maybe it is what it looks like, but..." Donovan jumps up and pulls his pants up.

"But what Donovan? What can you possibly say?" I cross my arms and lean against the wall.

"You know Sage, if you were sexier, then I would not find other women so alluring." His words hurt, but to make it worse, the whore let out a little laugh. Tears came down my face as I let his words and her ridicule seep into me.

He's such an asshole! I think as I recall the events.

When I left my apartment last night I felt, small, fat, and ugly. This morning I feel strong, beautiful and sexy. I will no longer allow Donovan and his messed up family berate and belittle me.

I am done.

Donovan knows he is my only family. Without him in my life, I have no one that cares about me. I am afraid of being alone. In the past, this fear has nearly crippled me but I'm feeling stronger today. Finally.

I've been so lost in thought and walking on autopilot that I barely realize I am on the train and my stop is coming up. I wonder if it's the last time I will ever ride the train. My hands tremble as I pull out my phone and see that Donovan is calling again. I pick it up and say, "I'm on the train and will be there in five minutes."

I hang up as soon as I hear his voice. His voice makes me sick.

Opening the apartment door, I see it's a bit of a mess. It looks like Donovan had his cousin's over and they were drinking. Beer bottles and empty chip bags decorate my living room.