The Virgin

Chapter Three - Disco Lights

"You're in," Dr. Strong says, a big smile spreading across his face.

"I'm in," I say, repeating his words in case there was a mistake and he wanted to take it back.

"Dr. Matthews, once again you have shown yourself to be one of this country's leading neuroscience surgeons. Yesterday's surgery was no small feat, and so the board and I have decided, you're in."

Dr. Harold Strong, Chief of Surgery, has been my mentor and my friend since medical school. When I became a surgeon, I knew that everyone doubted me because of my age and lack of life experience, but not Dr. Strong. He actually pushed to have me work for him, and he promoted my age and inexperience as something patients could benefit from. I wasn't looking to be on the golf course or run off on vacation with my three kids and husband. I was here, working, with the energy of a twenty-year-old and the focus of a person who had been on a mission to change medicine since fifth grade. I think that all of his speeches to the board got to me after a while, because not being all those things to him would crush me. I feel a responsibility to live up to the person he has made me out to be. Some days I feel like it's all too much, but today I feel like I could fly to the moon.

"I'm so proud of you, Kate," he says, quickly looking down at his notes so I don't see the tears in his eyes.

"But I thought the board wanted Dr. Bodhi Wells," I say, fishing to see if Wells had turned the surgery down and I was second choice.

"Yes," he answers me with a little too much pep for my taste. "He's in too. You'll be working tandem." Dr. Strong is now up on his feet, walking the length of the conference room table to sit next to me with a laptop.

"Your reputation precedes you. Dr. Wells specifically requested that you and he head the team. You are the surgeon most familiar with the new technology, and he wants success. This isn't about his ego. This is about making sure the patient gets the best care possible. You both want that, don't you?"

"Yes! Of course I do," I say with a little too much enthusiasm. "So, he and I will be working together, side by side? Or will one of us be leading? Just so I'm clear."

"I will leave that up to the two of you to decide," he says, handing me a laptop. "Study up. The team is strong. The case is complicated. The task is monumental. I have faith that your years of sacrifice, focus, and dedication will change the way we heal. Go get 'em!"

Dr. Strong slaps me on the back as I get up from the table, hugging the laptop like it's my pillow at home. As I head toward the door, I suddenly realize that I did it. I did what I said I would do. I am on the team. I am going to be published and looked to for guidance after this surgery. I will be working alongside or near Dr. Bodhi Wells! I feel the joy spreading through my body, as I move through the halls toward my office. The smile on my face must be telling, because everyone I pass congratulates me. They are all happy for me. They know I deserve this too. And as quickly as the joy came, it goes and is replaced with doubt. What if I'm not ready?

You know those moments in life when you suddenly get what you wanted? I know, they are rare for some of us, but when they come they are sometimes joy accompanied with a shot of, "Oh, shit! Now I have to do this!" I always feel badly when I watch people come to that moment in their lives and they fail, like watching the Olympics or the World Cup. Everyone is ready. This is the moment you have dreamed about, prepared for, sacrificing everything normal people take for granted on a daily basis, like a gymnast never getting to eat bread. I'm pretty sure they don't get to eat bread. Point is, they fall and land on their head during the one pass that was going to get them to the medal round. Or they miss the ball and the other team makes one lousy goal and wins the entire game. All those goals you blocked and all those flips you did before that moment are erased from everyone's brains in an instant. Suddenly, you are that girl that fell. You're the goalie that ruined the country's hopes of winning the cup. I don't want to be the surgeon that was supposed to be the future of neuroscience, but failed horribly and is now a thirty-year-old woman surgeon who Dr. Grace Meadows cackles at every time they pass in the hall, "Poor thing, she tried."