The Virgin

Chapter Sixteen - Life Surgery

It's the morning of the surgery. I'm showered and dressed. It's just 3:00am. I pour my freshly-brewed coffee into my favorite mug. Propped up against the pepper grinder is a card. On the envelope it reads: Katie.

I open it to find one of those cards with a black-and-white photo of two gals from the nineteen-twenties hanging out in full body swim suits at a pool party, having fun and looking fabulous. Inside the blank card is Lacy's fancy scrawl:

You'll do great today. Congratulations. I'm so proud of you. xo Lacy

My whole being is smiling. Having her here for these moments is priceless. Usually, I wake up and head out alone to face my day. But today, on this very important morning, I have back up.

Yesterday, I stayed home. I studied. Alright, actually I hid. I decided that if I went to the hospital I wouldn't get any work done anyhow, not with the gossip mill working on overdrive. The newest information leak regarding my sex life, or rather lack of sex life, was going to put me in a situation where I would be forced to explain something that should never need an explanation, especially to my co-workers. My business is my business and it's staying that way. So, I stayed in and watched some day-time television, which made me want to throw my TV from my window. So, I read the news, which was super depressing and made me want to throw my computer out the window. Running out of distractions, I opened the fridge and found my cure. I ate. I ate all the leftover take-out that Lacy has been stock piling in the fridge. I had Indian cuisine for breakfast, Italian for lunch, Thai for an afternoon snack, and for supper I had empanadas from the food truck outside my building. I'm proud to say that I ate my way through my humiliation. It's not like I drank an entire bottle of wine, popped a handful of vicodin, and passed out. I'm not Anna Nicole Smith or Marilyn Monroe, for goodness sake. I'm a neurosurgeon. My worth does not hinge on how people perceive me sexually, thank God. Thus, it was my one-time attempt at filling the enormous hole created inside of me when my biggest secret was exposed to every person I see on a daily basis. Nothing wrong with that. No one likes walking around with a gaping hole inside of them. Fill that thing up and get on with it, I say. So, that's what I did. I just happen to use food instead of positive affirmations or drugs.

All in all, it was a healing day, and today I feel like I'm back in charge of my life. Yes, it will be hard to face my co-workers, but I can't focus on the trivialities of hospital gossip when a man's life depends on my being focused. Yesterday is over. Today is now.

When I arrive at work, everyone is prepping, so there is no idle chit-chat. It's so early that the night shift is still on the clock, and they don't care about my life whatsoever. They have an entirely different gossip mill churning that I'm not a part of. Half of them don't even know I exist.

I change into my scrubs. Mr. Rodriguez has been prepped. His family has given him their love, and he has his affairs in order. He doesn't need to worry about that, but I understand. Things happen in surgery that I can't control sometimes. A sudden heart attack or stroke is possible, but it's rare. And hell if I'm going to let a neurosurgery end in a heart attack.

Mark and Sandy wheel Mr. Rodriguez into the O.R. Bodhi and I scrub in, side by side. We don't talk. We take a moment and look into one another's eyes, and in that look we find safety and complete confidence. Hands up and masks on, we head into the room. Dr. Strong, Amir, and Peter watch from the observation room. Javier is next to Mr. Rodriguez talking to him.

Grace sashays in and leans toward Mr. Rodriguez. She smiles her dazzling smile and points at the bag of propofol hanging near him.

"Mother's milk," she says to him softly. "You are going to have the sweetest dreams, and when Dr. Matthews and Dr. Wells are finished fixing you, I will bring you out of that sweet dream and you will see your beautiful wife and children waiting by your side."