Our Chemical Direction

Chapter 17: We Need To Talk

{Thorn's POV}

"Louis, we need to talk. I just feel so depressed. I need to stay with the boys. Permanently. I can't be with you anymore. I feel terrible about everything I do. I wanna scream and cry at the same time. I'm so confused about what I want and how I'm feeling. I just need to be alone."

{Louis' POV}

"I can help you, I could get you to a therapist or a psychiatrist." I begged.

"That won't work, Louis. I'm in too deep. I just.. need you to leave me be. I need to stay far away from you."

I was shocked. Why did all of this pop up now?

****

{Thorn's POV}

Its been a couple days since everything went wrong. I still haven't told Louis what happened. And to make it worse, I practically slept with my ex. There were no sparks, I was just so sexually frustrated. It wasn't even good. I just imagined Louis the whole time. I wanted to cry and scream.

It tears me apart to think that I'd even do that. It would be one thing if it was actual sex but it wasn't. He just kissed me. I could've done that with Louis. I can't look at him the same, touch him the same. I don't know what I'd do if he tried to touch me. I'd probably squirm away. He doesn't deserve a piece of shit like me. I cheated on him for no reason at all. I could've stopped it.

I couldn't handle it. I thought that maybe I really hadn't gotten over him. But as soon as he kissed me, I knew it was wrong. It was dull, meaningless. I screwed my eyes shut and just froze. I let him kiss me. It was consensual on the outside but on the inside I was screaming, trying to clear my fogged up head. It was like when I was raped countless times. I'd put my mind somewhere else and completely shut down all the feeling in my body.

I would stay numb for weeks at a time. And maybe that's why I feel so numb right now. I can't cry, I can't feel when I slice open my skin, I can't fully understand how much it affected me.

I guess it tore me into a million pieces. I regret everything. Being born, trusting myself with Louis, doing those things.

I can't even be touched without almost gagging. I wasn't even like this when I was raped. I used to mask things. Now, I can't sit next to anyone, I cant talk to people with a smile, I can't convince myself that I'm still a good person. I feel disgusted with my body and my mind.

Every time I picture it I get sick and dig deeper into my hole. I just want to kill myself. I don't want to be a disappointment anymore.

"Let's make sure he doesn't find out. That wouldn't be good." he chuckled.

I nodded and picked up my bag. "You ready to drop me off?" I asked. He smiled and led the way to the deathtrap he almost killed me in no more than 2 hours ago.

It was a stupid gocart and I had convinced myself to sit on his lap in order to ride it. There was nothing going on until we reached his house, but he almost killed us both when he whipped around a corner and kept speeding. "Theres a car!" I screamed. His breaks were a piece of shit so I kid you not, he slammed down on the breaks and jerked the wheel to the left, doing a 180. My heart was going a mile a minute. "If I couldn't have stopped, I would've shot past somehow." he lied.

"Dude, it was a stopped car with two parked cars directly beside it. There was no way you could've swerved that." I argued. He rolled his eyes.

He had asked me if I wanted to stay inside or out. I had said in, thinking of the heat and my legs were sore from countless stairs. I guess I should've dealt with the pain and went outside.

I don't want to think about it at all. I think he turned me gay. I was already teetering but now I think I fell off on the right side. I think I need to break up with Louis.