Our Chemical Direction

Chapter 18: The T Word

{Thorn's POV}

I have my psychiatrist's appointment today. Louis thinks I need to see them, but I don't think they can fix me.

I've been in terrible condition but I can't be fixed by someone who's only paid to listen to my feelings or lock me up when I say that I wish I was never born. I'm unfixable, broken, beaten down. I've lost hope.

"Thorn, this way." Louis guided me towards the waiting room. He reached his hand out to place on my shoulder. I cringed. My instinct was to move away from his touch but I decided that its not fair for him. He's stayed with me for so long after everything I've done and all he wants to do is help and place his hand on me.

Despite my acceptance of his actions, my body betrays me. I shudder under his hand and he frowns. "I'm sorry." he apologizes. "Its okay. Youre not doing anything wrong." I told him. He wasn't. It was uncomfortable, but not unbearable. It helped me feel a little less broken.

I sat in one of the identical chairs in the room and waited (hence the name 'waiting room') until my psychiatrist came out. "Thorn?" she called out. I stood and followed her, alone.

We both sat. "Hello Thorn!" she chirped. I sighed. I hated her already.

"Why are you here?" she asked. "I don't fucking know. I wouldn't be here if I knew." I growled. Her face fell and it seemed as though she changed her entire personality to suite my needs. "Yeah I understand. I used to be depressed and I still am. People never helped, and that's why I'm a psychiatrist. I want to at least try to help people." she tried to connect with me. I rolled my eyes.

She asked me routine questions, ones I've heard all too many times, and finally was ready to diagnose me. "You have Depression and Generalized Anxiety. It also seems that you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." she frowned.

I shook my head. "No, I don't." I argued.

"You were traumatized. You beat yourself up over this everyday physically and emotionally because you feel like its your fault. You think 'How could I do this to someone I love?' and you feel regret everyday for what you did but you still think of yourself as a monster. You still hate yourself for what you did. You wish that you could go back and change it, but you can't. You want to drink yourself to death and smoke weed and try dangerous things because you need something to pump your adrenaline. You need something to forget who you are, but you deserve better than that. You deserve for someone to hold you and make you feel better and to get you through this.

I had started tearing up before the end of that whole speech. I did deserve that. Ive gone through so much that I deserve someone to hold me close and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I had that person. It was Louis.

"Oh my god, thank you." I smiled through tears. She gave me a warm smile back and prescribed me antidepressants.

I ran out of her office and into the waiting room where Louis was sitting. "Thorn, are you okay?" he was concerned, I mean who wouldn't be? I ignored him and ran into his arms, hugging him tight and letting a few tears loose. "I love you." I muttered.

"I love you too. I love you so much." he kissed my forehead. I kept my grip on him and didn't let go until we got in the car.

"Wow. That woman is magic." he chuckled. I smiled a small smile and watched the road.

We soon got home.

{Louis' POV}

"How did you fix her so quickly?" I asked. "She's not completely fixed, but I just told her what most people in her situation wanna hear. I went through something similar twice in my life. I can relate." Thorn's therapist laughed on the other line. I talked with her for a little bit longer and eventually went to do the dishes.