Blood; Ben Bruce

break

Under The Bridge— Red Hot Chili Peppers
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(Trigger warning)

After an hour of being hopelessly lost, I finally navigated my way home. I opened the door, slamming it shut behind me.

I was beyond known emotion. The anger burned into an unknown feeling and the somehow sadness blanketed over it.

At this point no outside force mattered to me. My struggle was with myself and I needed to resolve it. I couldn't continue living this way.

I went upstairs, turning on the hot water in the bathtub. Then, I got out my blades and a bottle of antidepressants.

Silently, I prayed that I'd finally die, even if I didn't believe in god.

I prayed for all of this to be over.

I prayed for something better than this shit life.

I prayed to be happy.

I prayed to be free from this hell.

Turning off the water, I went downstairs. I got my favorite mug, and my favorite tea and put it on the counter. I turned on the kettle, waiting for the water to boil.

I grabbed my bottle of antidepressants and my tea and went back upstairs.

In my room, I grabbed all my favorite CDs and my radio, setting it up near the bathroom. I chose Adam's Song to play first. It seemed necessary for the occasion.

I set everything down and took a deep breath.

I contemplated writing a note, but I felt the situation itself was self-explanatory. Even someone blind could see I was suffering with everything going on in my life. But I wrote one, despite my negativity.

At seventeen years old I, Carmen Gunn, had chosen a route for the selfish, the senseless, and saddened kids of society.

No longer had I cared about happiness.

No longer did I strive for it.

I did not fight back when I was put down. I simply took the words spat at me and felt I was the one at blame.

I had not cared about myself when I had gotten the shit beat out of me by my father, and my peers.

It did not matter to me that everything in my life was worsening. I just tried to believe that it would all get better.

How naïve I had once been. I had once believed that a faceless god had a plan for me. But he has shown that there is no hope and has abandoned my case like he has with so many others.

This useless life has proven to me that this world is a hopeless, cruel place for someone so weak.

I am weak and the weak get killed first.

Thank you all who have tried to make my life happy, and thank you all who have drove me to this point. I think I finally am happy now that I know you will all be glad to be rid of me :).

With love,

Carmen ♡

I placed the note beside the tub, sighing loudly as I got my final message ready to be read by either my mother, Ashlyn, or whoever found me.

This is it. This is finally it. I'll be away from this wretched world and it will be free of useless scum like me.

This is truly a win-win situation for everyone that knows me and for the world.