Just a Maid

Chapter 20

     "Alanna? Are you okay?" Lea asked, frowning.

     I didn't look up at her as I mopped the floor harder than I intended to. Lea didn't know about what had happened yesterday, and I planned on it staying that way. I felt like if I told her she would only tell me that he was right and I was wrong. That wasn't what I wanted to hear right now.

     "Yeah, I'm fine," I mumbled.

     "Alanna, you look like something is killing you."

     I huffed tiredly. She knew me too well and I hated it because she was absolutely right. I couldn't stop thinking about yesterday. First I had realize what I was doing could be wrong and then Donovan snapped at me and said he didn't want to see me until I sorted myself out. My life sucked at the moment.

     "Fine, I need some time to think on my own," I said honestly, looking at her. "Can you cover for me?"

     "Of course." She smiled. "I hope you'll be alright."

     "I doubt it," I muttered quietly.

     "What?"

     "Nothing."

     I dropped the mop on the floor and walked off. Maybe I was being extra, but I couldn't care less. I was miserable, ashamed, and self-hating right now. There wasn't time to care about anyone other than myself.

     My throat suddenly constricted as I re-thought my words. Who had I honestly become? The old Alanna would never have put herself first, she would never have treated her best friend like that. Most of all, the old Alanna would never have kissed another girl's boyfriend.

     I suddenly felt sick as these thoughts ran through my mind. Unsure of what to do, I rushed to the front door and pushed the doors open. Without caring about the consequences, I began to run straight down the sidewalk and then onto a field nearby. Right now I needed to calm my mind.

     I jogged for a few minutes on the clear empty field, just thinking about how green the grass was. In a matter of minutes I stopped jogging and began to breathe heavily. I had never been very athletic, so this was hell for me.

     As I began walking down the empty field, I allowed my thoughts to return to the serious issue - who I had become. I was still torn over what I had done the past month.

     During everything I did, I had thought I was right. I had thought that kissing Donovan was fine because Brianna was a brat who deserved it. I had also thought just kissing Donovan and not listening to what he said was fine because we enjoyed kissing. In both cases, I had been incredibly selfish.

     I felt my throat constrict once again and this time because I wanted to cry. It didn't seem fair. Brianna was a horrible person who didn't deserve a guy like Donovan. In fact, she didn't deserve anything she had.

     My mind suddenly then flashed to the moment we talked about love and I realized she was innocent in a sense. She was in love and even if she was a brat, she still cared deeply about something. Donovan, to be specific.

     My eyes flew shut as I began to realize what I had done. I had kissed her boyfriend, the only thing she seemed to truly care about. All this time I thought she was heartless, but it seemed like maybe I was the one who was actually heartless. I had kissed him first, started our whole affair. It was all me.

     That brought me to Donovan. Sweet, caring, wonderful Donovan. The truth was he wasn't a saint either. He had kissed me back, knowing he had a girlfriend. He couldn't judge me for that part of the situation. However, I had to admit I hadn't been treating him right, which made me the bad guy in our affair. Donovan had tried several times to talk to me, like we originally did, and I had ignored him and went straight to kissing him. I was surprised he didn't think I was a player because I had only used him for kissing during the past month. I truly was a horrible person.

     Finally, I let tears slip out of my eyes and slide down my cheeks. I had come to terms with everything, I had realized I had been the bad guy the past month. Brianna may have been a brat, but what I had done was much worst. I was horrible.

     Seeing that there was no one around, I stopped in my place and screamed, "I'm such a horrible person!"

     I let it all out, hoping that coming to terms with what I was would make the situation slightly better. Turned out it didn't, but then I had at least relaxed my miserable nerves. Acceptance is the first thing you must do before changing. That was something my mom had taught me when I was young.

     I wiped my tears away and just stood where I was, staring at the blank field around me. It was so clear, so peaceful, so like my mind at the very moment. Despite there still begin a problem, I had come to realize what was done and that allowed me to forget about the negatives. The old Alanna was coming back now and she had always tried to be somewhat positive. That was the Alanna Donovan was intrigued by, too.

     I thought about what to do for a few seconds, knowing that seeing Brianna and Donovan would be inevitable. That didn't sadden me though, right now I wanted to fix the situation. I wanted to be who I used to be, the girl who wasn't so angry all the time and uncaring. That was so not the Alanna I had been the past eighteen years. The real Alanna was someone who did care and was willing to make the best of the situation she was in. I honestly liked that Alanna much better.

     Looking up at the sky, I smiled as I thought of what to do. Apologies wouldn't beat it, especially for Brianna who I couldn't apologize to without getting killed. Because of that I began to think of a way to apologize without exactly saying it to the both of them. Surprisingly, Brianna seemed easier in that case, but Donovan was the one I wasn't sure about. He was the one who actually deserved the biggest apology, too. That made it all the more harder.

     Eventually, as I watched birds fly across the sky, ideas popped into my mind. I wasn't sure if either of them would be happy about my ideas, but it was worth a shot. Maybe I couldn't earn their forgiveness, but I hoped trying would at least make them less disgusted by me. Right now I didn't want them to hate me. That was the last thing I wanted.

*****

     I opened the large doors of the mansion and stepped inside the building. Seeing that I had spent two hours outside, most of the chores seemed to be done. The main hall was spotless and the mansion seemed quieter than usual as well. I wondered what Lea was doing at the very moment.

     I climbed the long spiralling staircase and walked to the hall that was usually given to Lea to mop. To my delight, Lea was there. She was mopping the floor with a serious expression.

     "Hey Lea," I said, smiling at her.

     She looked up at me quickly, her eyes widening in the process.

     "Finally you're back!" she exclaimed, smiling tiredly. "Ms. Rose has been bugging me about you all day."

     "Sorry," I apologized. "Does she still need me?"

     Lea shook her head. "She never needed you, she was just worried about you.

     "Really?" I asked, shocked.

     "Yeah." Her eyes softened. "I was worried, too."

     I smiled sadly. "I'm sorry."

     "Are you okay?"

     I looked at her concerned face for a few seconds. This time I didn't need to lie, this time I could be honest.

     "I've never felt better," I said grinning.

     She grinned back. "I can tell."