Head in the clouds.

Chapter Seventeen.

I had never really needed to think anything through before, my life had always followed one set path and I moved steadily from one thing to another. Even when my whole world seemed to be collapsing in on itself everything around me kept on going as if nothing had ever been wrong in the first place and this always helped me to get things done, stopping me from drowning from the weight of my problems. Thinking things through only seemed to add to the weight, people always talk about physical challenges they face and how hard they are but in my personal experience the mental challenges hurt the most.

Cara was literally everywhere, not physically but on billboards, magazines and on the TV. She was extremely busy one day she was in the country the next she was on the other side of the world, even if I wanted to talk to her I couldn't, not really. I could have called or Skyped her but with how I left things I needed to speak to her face to face to really know how I felt about everything, about us. The more time that passed the more I got the feeling that she was moving on without me, her 'fake' boyfriend was now attached to her side, in every photo or news article. I guess that's what I deserved for telling her to leave, I should have just asked her to stay so we could talk it out. After two weeks events moved and passed like clockwork the only change was a deep hole within my chest which only Cara could cause and it fucking hurt. I'd never been shot but I'm pretty sure the pain was exactly the same.

She was back in her apartment within the next few days, I found out when walking to meet my manager for coffee and I got swept up in a wave of paparazzi and I was dragged down the street directly to her front door, which was remarkably convenient. The mass of people around me formed a strong wall blocking any way of me walking in any direction other than forwards. People shoved and shouted as I forced my way through. Cara always locked the door when people refused to leave the street outside her apartment; I had no other choice then to knock. I felt utterly pathetic and as my knuckles hit the wood several people carrying expensive looking camera equipment gave me very unimpressed looks, the rest ignored me. After three attempts the door opened slightly revealing a pair of clear blue eyes, I gave a small smile and the door swung open quickly and I was pulled inside by the front of my shirt, the slamming of the door echoed around the hall way but the shouting from the street became muffled.

"Hey, I'm sorry about this it's just I got dragged into the giant mob and I didn't bring my camera so I just felt silly standing with them." My joke whilst completely stupid made her laugh and her smile made my insides feel warm. She looked stressed, her eyes weren't as bright as I had last seen them and her shoulders were sagged slightly.

"I have a camera you can go out and join them if you want but they don't really seem like your type of people." She yawned and shuffled into the kitchen, leaning against the counter looking defeated.

"So how are you? Like really. In all these interviews and articles you sound so...happy and exhilarated but you look pretty exhausted." I sat on the counter opposite her crossing my legs beneath me in an attempt to stop them visibly shaking from nervousness. The hole was full again but I knew that as soon as I left, which wouldn't be soon with the body wall outside, it would be empty again. She didn't move, her eyes were shut so the light made it obvious just how dark the bags under her eyes were, she looked like she hadn't slept in a week. Normally I would have just stood there giving her time to collect her-self and explain but every time she opened her eyes it looked like it was causing her pain. I couldn't believe she was actually still awake, I moved across the space and took her hand in my own, without giving myself time to dwell on my actions I led her to the bedroom, I didn't want sex or anything like that I just wanted her to rest. I helped her lie down and get under the covers comfortably and as soon as her head hit the pillow her breath became slow and gentle following a calming rhythm. After I was sure she was settled I wandered over to the window and tentatively drew back the curtains, there were still people blocking the street but the crowd had defiantly thinned, if I left then I could of forced my way through and be home in under an hour. But I didn't.

As I went to leave the room a small groan came from the bed as Cara shifted into a seated position looking at me.

"Please don't leave." She whispered her voice was weak and husky.

"You need to sleep." I said simply barely able to protest. She moved to throw the covers back but I got to her just in time, pushing her back onto the mattress where I joined by her side. I wrapped my arm protectively around her shoulder and she melted into my side effortlessly. Within minutes she was fast asleep, her eyelids sealed shut, her body relaxed. My body fought against the small voice in my mind that was screaming that this wasn't what I wanted and that I should just get up and leave. As soon as those thoughts entered my mind another image replaced them, the image of Cara waking up alone, confused not sure whether it was all some vivid dream. She would feel the slow sinking regret within her stomach and then twinge of anger towards herself for feeling that way. I couldn't let that happen. Even if this was a terrible decision in the long run, right then in that moment I felt whole and secure, it felt right. So even if tomorrow I decided I couldn't handle everything anymore, even if everything suddenly becomes too much, I would always have the feeling of her pressed against my side and her warm breath on my cheek and that was enough.