•May 11, 2011 1 year since suicide•
Nothing felt right. I was lost in another world. Ashton's has been gone one year.
"Luke, do you really want to go see him today?" My mom asked.
"It's one year." I said. "I should see him."
She nodded pulling me into a hug. "I know this is still hard for you baby." She held my head in her hands. "It'll still be okay."
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I stood there at Ashton's grave. I held the flowers in my hand. I hadn't been the only one to come. Around his grave were flowers, pictures of him, and notes from people. I smiled.
"People miss you Ashton." I said placing the flowers down in front of his grave. I looked at one of the notes. It was from Michael.
Dear Ashton,
I know you'll never be able to read this but I'm sorry.
All those years. I'm sorry. This is my fault. I should be the one dead not you. You had so much to live for. You have your mom, your brother, and your sister.
I went to go and see you family. Lovely people. You were lucky. I never had anyone like that. Your mom is still there for you. She misses you.
But, I saw you and Luke walking together. I still remember when that was all three of us. I remember Calum being there too. I'm going to miss that. I've missed that since we started high school.
The one thing I will never forget about you is that laugh and smile. God, you could hear that damn laugh from a mile away. That smile made someone's day better. Those faded after awhile, didn't they?
Ashton I miss you. I never thought it would end this way. I thought it would happen the other way around but I was wrong.
I'm sorry. I should have said this to you a long time ago. I'm sorry.
Michael Clifford
I felt tears run down my face. I smiled at the note. He's changed.
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I stood there at Michael's doorstep knocking on the door. I looked down.
"Luke," he said. I looked up. "What are you doing here?"
"I just wanted to talk about something." I said. He looked at me.
"Okay." He said letting me in.
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Michael lead me into the kitchen. He sat down in one of the chairs. He grabbed the open beer bottle that sat on the table.
"Michael it's 10 in the morning why are you drinking?" I questioned.
"I don't give a shit." He said. "It's a year after a death I caused. I need to get drunk so I can't remember it."
I shook my head. "You'll never be able to forget it Michael. You could've stopped long before his cutting became a problem."
He took a sip of his beer. "Well, no one stopped me so I didn't." His words were becoming slurred.
"I saw the note you left at his grave." I laughed. "How thoughtful of you."
Michael stood up. He staggered over to the sink. He dropped the bottle in the sink causing it to smash.
"How many drunk have you had?"
"3." He said.
I sighed. "Give this to me." I ripped the new bottle out of his hand.
"Give it back." He said. "I want to drink until I die."
"You're not killing yourself Michael."
Michael turned to me. "I want to be dead Luke. I have for a long time." He sighed. "I thought why not today we both lost someone on May 11th."
I looked down. "I don't want to lose someone else."
Michael looked at me. "You still care about me?"
I nodded. "Yeah I do Michael."
He staggered over to a chair. "I want to be alone. Get the fuck out of my house."
I sighed. "I'm not leaving you here alone, not while you're drunk."
"Get out!"
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I drove back to the graveyard. I started walking in the direction of Ashton's grave but turned and walked towards my father's grave.
I bent down in front of his headstone. I smiled.
"Hey dad." I said quietly. "It's been awhile. Almost 3 years now." I looked down. "3 years in 5 days."
I looked away from his grave. "Everyone I loved and cared for seem to die in May. Why is that? Is May a cursed month for me?" I asked knowing I wouldn't get an answer. "They still haven't found that man that shot you dad. He's still out there or dead by now."
I stood up and stared down at him. "I'll see you again in 5 days dad."
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•May 11, 2013 3 year after suicide•
Everyone was gone from my life. I lost everything.
My mom had gotten cancer and pasted last year.
Michael took his own life. He drank until he died.
Ashton's mom, brother, and sister left Sydney and moved to America for a new and possibly better life. But they came back every May for Ashton.
But I was left alone.
No one understood what my life had come to.
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I stood there staring down at Ashton. Tears came to my eyes as they always did when I came.
"I still don't understand this." I said falling to my knees. "I'll never understand. I'll never really understand why you wanted to do this."
I pulled out a piece of paper that had a small piece o tape on it. I stuck it to his grave. "Maybe this will help other people." I said standing up and walking away.
The paper had read:
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem...
Note: You thought it was over. Well here's just an ending to show what happened to everyone.
I hope the last quote (Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem...) helps some people. Just don't commit suicide it's not worth anything. You don't just kill yourself you're killing the people around you. Stay strong you beautiful people. I love you all so much.
Stay strong and never give up the fight- Haley (thefault_in_5sos)
