15 January 2014
Yura felt the cool breeze hit her as she went outside the police station. She pulled her sweater tighter around her. The police just called her this morning, and said that she needed to complete some death registration and take her deceased brother belongings. The police actually asked for their parents but she hasn't met her mother in years and her father won't come. He's either too busy with his work as always or maybe ashamed.
A son of a large company died due to suicide.
Suicide.
Yura gulped the lump in her throat and pushed that thought away. She still didn't understand why her brother attempted to take his own life. Because she knew no matter how bad the situation was, her brother was always the strong one and suicide was not something that suited him.
Yura tried to pull herself together before she started walking away from police station and stopped by nearest cafè.
The cafe surroundings was warm and nice. Its small and not too crowded. Yura leaned against the wooden back of the chair as she waited for her food to come. She looks around, gazing at the people who chatted happily, her heart as empty as her stare. She really needs someone right now, to be exact she need Jongin.
She called Jongin today and planned to ask him to accompany her to the police station but he cut her off before she finished it.
She understands that Jongin is as depressed as her too. Leaving behind by someone who important to you, it's something that unbearable but maybe if they shared their sadness and get it through together, it will be easier. Furthermore, they are engaged, aren't they? and Yura loves him so much and he knows it.
A phone rang, interrupting Yura's thoughts. She checked her phone but the sound did not come from there. Her eyes gazed over the table and fixed at her deceased brother belongings. She opened it and the sound became louder.
Her deceased brother's phone.
A call.
From Jongin.
Hesitantly she answered it and pressed the phone against her ear.
"Hyung, I'm still at your apartment waiting for you to comeback. Hyung I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have died like that. I'm so sorry, please comeback and help me. I can't stand this pain. When you died you passed all the pain to me."
Yura held her breath when she heard Jongin sob from the other side.
"Hyung maybe it's too late but I love you" Jongin said in hushed tone full of sincerity and affection.
Yura showed a bewildered expression, her mouth agape in shock. Her mind tried to process what she has just heard.
Jongin loves her brother.
Jongin loves Do Kyungsoo.
And the way Jongin said it, it's not brotherly love. It's like a lover's tone,and that means Jongin is g---
"Excuse me. Sorry the food took so long. Here, enjoy the food." Yura glance to the waiters and gestured to put the food at the table. The waiter politely nodded before left her alone. Yura focused again on her phone.
"Hyung?" Jongin voice cracked as it filled with doubt.
"Hyung are you there?"
"Hyung?"
Yura bit her lip, unsure if she should respond or hang up immediately. She chose the first option.
"I love you too Jongin-ah," she said it firmly without hesitation. She closed her eyes and let out a heavy sigh.
"I love you and it somehow hurts."
Yura rubbed herself on the chest,hoping to make the pain fade away.
"I knew that you love my brother and he loves you too. But it never occurred to me that you love him in different way. And when you proposed me, it's just-- Do you really love me Jongin? Do you love me the way you love my brother?"
Yura tried to choke down the feeling, trembling and waiting for Jongin to answer. Waiting for Jongin to say that he really loves her.
"Yura," Jongin finally spoke. Yura waited for Jongin to continue his words, but the only thing she heard was a beep.
She looked at her brother's phone screen with a disbelieving expression.
Jongin hung up.
There was a long silence before slow realization hit Yura. She kept looking back and forth between her brother's phone screen that showed Jongin and Kyungsoo's photo, and then she looked at the ring on her finger.
"So it is," she murmured to herself halfheartedly.
She looked at the food infront of her and tried to eat it. She shove the food to her mouth. With some effort she swallowed the food and ignored the lump on her throat. Tears pricked her eyes. As she continued to eat, the more she started to cry. Yura finally just pushed the bowl aside, put her head on the table and cried.
She cried and let out all the tears out of her body,and in that moment she hoped her feeling towards Jongin didn't exist.
Author's note:
Suicide.
In my country suicide is something that people ashamed for and in my religion suicide is something that unforgiven. And people who attempt suicide will consider as a big sinner.
And they said that people who attempt suicide are not allowed to go to heaven.
And people will blame them for what they done.
When they are actually the victim of their life, the victim of fucked up society.
When I was a child, young and naive, I always wondered why people took their own life. But when I grew up, I slowly understand why.
Because they can't take the pain any longer.
Because pain is not something from the outside, pain is something that live inside of them.
And there's no way out.
How can you run out from yourself?
The pain is growing up with you and without you realizing, it become a part of you.
Here is one of my favourite quotes.
"If you hear a song that makes you cry and you don't want to cry anymore, you don't listen to that song anymore. But you can't get away from yourself. You can't decide not to see yourself anymore. You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head."
And in this world there are only two kind of people.
People who are brave enough to live and people who are brave enough to die.
And there are people like me.
People in between.
Too afraid to die yet too afraid to live. Too afraid to dream big yet too afraid to let go of the dream.
So readers, what kind of person are you?
And what kind of person do you think Kyungsoo is?
Yura?
Jongin?
And do you really believe that suicide was the cause of Kyungsoo's death?
I will explain to you later why, I promise as long as you click next.
