Invisible Affection | Taejin

47. No Feeling is Final

Seokjin looked down at his hands, which rested open in his lap, and rubbed his thumb against the side of his fingers. He had spent most of the afternoon confessing feelings he would have avoided expressing a few years ago. He certainly understood why Taehyung had left and agreed that he deserved better, yet he still found himself wanting to be the person by his side. Coming to terms with all of these emotions at once left him feeling exhausted.

"I don't know what to do about it," he admitted, lifting his eyes to Dr. Park after reflecting on the question he had been asked. "I can stop myself from calling him and leave him alone. But when I go home, I still think about him. I remember how it felt to sit across from him and have him ask me what I wanted to eat. It's embarrassing that something so small can stick with me."

Dr. Park adjusted the notebook on her lap before answering, "You don't have to feel embarrassed about missing something you enjoyed. What do you expect yourself to do when those memories resurface?"

Seokjin leaned back in the chair, considering the question. "Not enjoy them, I guess. It feels like I shouldn't. I spent so long going over what I did wrong that remembering anything good feels dishonest." He paused, his fingers moving against his sleeve. "But there were good things. He was good to me, and sometimes I felt happy. I don't want to pretend none of that happened because I was awful to him."

"You don't have to," she said, watching him reach for another tissue. "Remembering those moments doesn't change what you acknowledged today."

He wiped beneath his eyes and folded the tissue in his hand. "I think I'm scared that if I let myself miss him, I'll start making excuses to see him again. I have already done that in my head. I thought about staying longer, about finding something else I needed to do in Seoul. Something that would make it reasonable for me to be there."

"Did you make those arrangements?" Dr. Park asked, her gaze remaining on him.

"No." Seokjin shook his head, then pressed the tissue against his damp cheek. "But I wanted to. Even after we spoke, I wanted more time with him. I kept thinking that we had only just started talking again, and leaving meant I wouldn't know when it would happen next." He looked at her. "I know how that sounds, and I hate that I am saying it or even thinking it."

"I want you to tell me what happened after you had that thought," she said, allowing him time to answer.

Seokjin glanced toward the window, then looked back at her. "I called you. I came home when you told me to."

"What about since you've been home? What have you been thinking?"

"Honestly, I have checked my phone more than I should," he said, lowering his eyes. "I haven't contacted him, but I keep looking. I don't even know what I expect to find."

Dr. Park nodded, letting him finish before she spoke. "What would you have to decide if he did contact you?"

The question made him look up. For a moment, he pictured Taehyung's name on his screen, and the eagerness that followed made him uncomfortable. He had been so occupied with whether Taehyung might want him that he hadn't considered what he would do if he did.

"I am sure I would answer," he said, then hesitated when she continued to watch him. "I would probably answer at the first ring."

"After answering, do you think you would be able hear what he would be saying, or would you already be thinking about what you wanted it to mean?" she asked, leaning forward enough to rest her notebook on the desk beside her.

Seokjin breathed out through his nose and rubbed his palms against his thighs. "I don't know," he admitted. "After what happened, I don't think I should pretend I would handle it well."