Since I Saw Him Last: A Gary Barlow Fanfic

Chapter Forty

I slammed Gary's front door behind me. I rushed over to the lift and pressed the button repeatedly for the ground floor. Come on. Come on! My eyes started to water, tears trickled down my face. I couldn't bear fighting with Gary. I was tired of tip toeing around his sensitivity. I felt I had ruined a beautiful evening and wondered if I should've held my tongue. Maybe I should have waited until tomorrow? I shook my head. No. It didn't matter when I chose to ask him about Howard, his reaction would've been the same. Gary's insecurities were making him increasingly defensive. I hoped I could show him that he could trust me. Howard and I would be in each other's company a lot more than we'd already had the chance to be. The tour would provide me with the best opportunity to show Gary that my relationship with Howard was purely platonic. Maybe if he could see us together, he would see that nothing's going on between us and he would know, in his heart, that I can be trusted. I heard a door start to open around the corner on the 23rd floor. I wished the lift to hurry. I don't want any of Gary's neighbours to see me in such a state. The lift doors opened, I scurried in and pressed the button for the ground floor so the doors could close. I looked into the mirrored walls in front of me, my mascara had streamed black lines down my face. What a mess! The doors were about to close when I saw a hand force them open in the mirror's reflection. I spun around to see Gary looking exasperated. My face was expressionless. We stared at each other for a moment, our faces were fixed with an emptiness that felt unsettling. Gary reached for my hand and pulled me out of the lift. My body felt heavy, I became numb all of a sudden, like a deadweight. Gary tried to guide me back towards his front door but I couldn't be moved. "Natasha?" Gary's face started to flare up and his eyes widened. I looked up at him, his mouth gaping open, his eyes were gleaming. I stared coolly, my face was vacant. "Natasha!" Gary held me by my the arms and started to shake me. I could tell I was startling him. My emotions eventually caught up, I kept the cool stare but the tears started to roll down my face. Gary walked to my side and scooped me up in his arms, "Let's get you inside." Gary had left the front door open, he carried me through with ease and kicked the door behind him to close it. Gary carried me into his bedroom and placed me on the bed. I turned my body away from him, I put my hands to my face and sobbed wildly. Gary lay on the bed next to me, he lay close behind and wrapped his arm around my waist. I didn't care about showing him my vulnerability. "Ssh. Natasha. Ssh. There, there." I could tell this was too much emotion for Gary to handle. I couldn't take the strain any longer. I was overwhelmed, my life had changed with the blink of an eye. My heart was aching at the thought of us arguing but it felt like Gary was pressuring me to be someone who I was not. His insecurities were making me behave in ways that I wouldn't otherwise. If Gary wanted our relationship to work then there would have to be a few changes. He had to stop being so controlling and most of all, he had no choice but to trust me. If I did give Gary an ultimatum, I would have to face up to the fact that he might not change and could eventuate in me leaving him. Or worse still, Gary couldn't be told what to do and would leave me instead. Oh, what a state of affairs. "Natasha. Please. Talk to me." I tried to console myself, I needed to stop sobbing before I could talk. "I feel like I'm losing you. Please." Gary was trying to keep his emotions in check but I could tell he was anxious. I quietened down before I turned to face him. "Tell me what I've done wrong." He looked at me like a little boy would. I couldn't resist that sweet face of his. His green eyes sparkled with innocence. "Gary. I..." I paused so that I could collect my thoughts. "I've never been with anyone who treats me the way you do." Gary was silent but searched my face for me to explain. "It hurts me that you think that I'd be tempted by another man. You have no reason to distrust me. I hate that I'm coming between you and one of your best friends. I can't live like this. I can't. It's all too much." It seemed like I was doing all the talking again. I put my hand to my forehead, my head is pounding. Gary pulled me closer to him and whispered, "I don't want to lose you. I feel like you're slipping away no matter how much I try to keep you close." I could see he had tears in his eyes but Gary was made of strong fibre, he wouldn't let his tears fall on any account. "I have to be honest. I don't want to let you go but I can't keep living like this. I can see the tour being a complete mess. I see myself being miserable the entire time because I have to watch what I do or say. If that's how I'll feel then I don't want to be a part of any of it." Up until now, it felt like I had been a comfort for Gary's insecurities. Maybe that was my problem. Maybe I should have nipped it in the bud when these insecurities started to rear its head. "Gary. I can't help you, you have to help yourself. I can't do or say anymore than I have done already. I don't want to be the rift between you. I don't know if I can cope with anymore of you doubting my feelings for you, I..." I started to sniffle. "I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions since I met you at that signing and..." My words trailed off, I willed myself not to sob again. "Maybe we need to slow this down." I couldn't look him in the eye. His face turned white. "I think you need to figure out what it is that you want. I can't be blamed for your past, it's cruel. If you want me, then you have to take me as I am. I'll wait for you until you're ready to be with me." I breathed out a sigh, I wasn't happy that we'd come to this but I did feel somewhat unburdened. I looked up into Gary's gorgeous eyes and for the first time, I saw him shed a tear.