Last Chances

Married Life

Well we have been married for a month now all is well between me and Peter.
I go back to the hospital for another appointment to see if the cancer has improved or gotten any worse. They tell me that it hasn't got worse but it is heading in that direction. Things really aren't looking too good. I am also now 7 months pregnant which is absolutely petrifying. I would always choose my babies life over mine no matter what; regardless of anything.

I got kept in for a week this time. However they told me that it would be very unlikely for me to get out again. My health was deteriorating very quickly however I was still of course going to keep fighting. I was more determined now more than ever to stay strong. They often say when something life changing happens the human brain speeds everything and makes you more alert. But right now everything in my mind has slowed down and I am only focusing on one thing which is if I am going to survive and if not wondering is Peter knows where I  want my funeral to be held. 

I can feel Peters body tense up, his grasp on my hand has gone completely but that doesn't stop me from wrapping my fingers round his hand even tighter than usual. Just then a nurse comes in and says that she is going to have to take me to another room for a scan and then to a unit that has got other people in it suffering cancer. 

"Don't let go of my hand Peter." I beg. 

"I love you no matter what" I say whilst sobbing getting pushed down the hospital corridor. 

Peter

It breaks my heart to see her like this, i'm trying to stand my ground and act strong when inside i'm deteriorating and heartbroken. Is.... Is she going to be alright?  I question but I can see it in the nurses face that there is something not right.

The next day

I sit by her side the whole day even though she was sleeping for most of it. Even when she is awake she seems exhausted. I wonder if she's sore or in pain? I wonder if there is anything I can do to help her?

The nurse takes me out of the room and explains to me that she doesn't think Emily will live to see the next couple of weeks which is heartbreaking. I cry and the nurse gives me a hug and apologises to me. I honestly can't believe it.  "What will happen about the baby?" I question. 

We will have to do a caesarean which will not harm the baby and because your wife has cancer it doesn't mean that it will have affected your baby at all. 

1 Week later 

I go into the room with Emily to have her caesarean. The doctors asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby but we agreed to keep it a surprise.  

1 hour later. 

Emily was holding a baby boy in her arms. We decided to call him Ventura which means luck in Spanish as he was born from luck. 

Emily is the happiest I have seen here in a while. She is smiling from ear to ear which is so lovely to see. She also seems to have a bit more colour in her face and is now eating a little bit more than usual. 

Everything is heading in the right direction. 

2 days later 

I am sitting in the room with Emily, Ventura is in the room next to us. 

The nurses come into Emily's room abruptly so I ask if everything is okay. 

Look after Ventura for me........I love you Peter always remember that............

The nurse hesitates for a moment which makes my heart skip a beat and makes me feel instantly sick. 

I can't say anything for the moment but lets hope that all is well. Can you please go back to the reception so we can do further tests. The nurse holds her hands up and points in the direction of the reception. 

I wait in the reception with my head buried in my hands. 

This can't be happening not right now. 

An hour and a half later the nurse comes in and sits down next to me. This looks serious. 

"I am so sorry to tell you Peter that Emily has unfortunately passed away if you need anything we are all here for you and your family". 

I stand up and walk out the room down the corridor to the lift. 

When I saw those nurses flocking into Emily's room I panicked and burst into tears covering my face with my hands. Please let her be okay. That feeling the clawing  and scraping at the back of my throat starts to overwhelm my eyes with tears, but these doctors can't see me cry I need to be the strong one here, she wouldn't want me crying not here anyway. 

I can hear Holly calling me to stay but I quickly walk down the corridor towards the lift even though I can hear machines and people I quicken my pace not thinking about what I can hear even though it is like a drum beating at the side of my head. I forget everything. 

By the time I reach the lift the tears are rolling down my face dripping onto my t-shirt. 

I reach the bottom floor and walk out of the entrance I can see people looking at the redness of my eyes. 

This can't be happening.

This isn't happening. 

It can't be. 

Once I'm outside I pause the fresh air hit me like a tonne of bricks . The coldness of the air makes my eyes sting and my throat dry. I see my car across the other side of the car park. I need to get out of this place. As I rush to my car I remember that I was planning on giving it to her. I close my eyes thinking that I would not get the chance anymore.

I get in the car and slam the door shut which makes the car rock for a moment. Its silent just me and my thoughts in such a small space. Silence usually calms me but can't seem to get the words out my head: 

She's passed Peter, she's dead. 

I close my eyes again holding my lids together, I slap my hands of the steering wheel begging for it not to be true and that it was just a horrible nightmare. I try to swallow my tears but they are uncontrollable. I can feel myself burning inside and I don't know what to do. 

She's dead.

I screamed to the top of my lungs not caring about my surroundings or if anyone could hear me. I shout until my throat hurts and then let out one massive sob. I punch the steering wheel not feeling any pain just heartache. 

Holly took Ventura back to her house where I already was. 

No proper food, interactions, talking, nothing for the last 3 days. 

Just simply in bed staring at the ceiling that we used to look at in the mornings talking about how lucky we were. I haven't cried since hospital though. I feel as if i should have cried but the tears don't come.

Emily's mum came and joined me in my room, I didn't realise she was there she had to repeat my name 3 times before I turned round to face her or respond. When she spoke I only saw her mouth moving and the quivering of her lips, I couldn't make out a word she was saying maybe it was because I didn't want to hear it. 

Later that night

I drift in and out of consciousness. I open my eyes suddenly not the slightest bit tired now. The thoughts have over taken my tiredness and thats all I can think about. I sit with my back against the headboard and bring my knees close to my chest hugging them close for comfort. 

Holly brings Ventura in but I don't want to be there at that time so I get up and walk out the room not saying anything. I go down stairs and mope around the living room thinking about all the things we used to do. Just sit on the couch watching TV or watching films with a blanket over the two of us. Things like that just made me so happy. What am I going to do now and I have a young baby to look after aswell. 

Please help me Emily..... 

I don't know what to do.