I Love Her Not ... Right? (GirlxGirl)

Back to Black

WARNING: Mentions of suicide

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Re-cap:

[Sasha]: "Alexa's dead!" She looked at me with a blank stare in her eye. I'm trying to get myself together. Epic fail...

[Julie]: "How?"

[Sasha]: "Suicide ..."

[Julie]: "Oh my God! Why!?"

I just shook my head no and grabbed onto her again. She turned on some random tv station and held me all night. I drifted to sleep in her arms, regretting everything I did wrong with Alexa. Move on? What the fuck was I thinking ...

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Chapter 9: Back in Black

((Sasha's POV))

Today is Alexa's funeral. She died 6 days ago and I haven't been able to function properly ever since. I cried for the first time in 3 years that night. I almost forgot what it was like to feel so broken up. Controlling my feelings has always been my level of expertise but nothing could have stopped the anguish I felt over the death of Alexa. We had our hard times and went through the craziest shit together but I did care about her, no matter how much she convinced herself otherwise. Alexa was one of my best friends. Knowing I had any part of her suicide is something that will keep me from fully living my life forever. I was putting my dress on when I noticed Julie come into my room.

[Julie]: "How are you feeling?"

I opened my mouth to speak but the words won't come out. I got my dress all the way on then sat on my bed looking down at the floor. Julie sat next to me and put her arm around my shoulders. I buried my head into her as the tears began to fall. I have cried every night since Lex's passing. It just hurts so bad. Julie let go of me gripped my face with both hands.

[Julie]: "Sash, we gotta go."

I nodded my head. We walked outside to her car, there's no way I can drive like this. I watched the trees go by as we made our way to the chapel. How am I gonna face our friends? They must know why she killed herself by now, right? Will they hate me as much as I do?

Julie parked and we got out of the car. I looked up to see gray blanketing the sky. There's no rain coming but the gloominess is still present. Julie came to me and grabbed my hand.

[Julie]: "You can do this."

[Sasha]: "I want to believe that but ..."

[Julie]: "Shhh," she pulled me into a hug. "Just be strong."

We walked inside. There are so many people here. I wasn't aware that Alexa had so many people in her corner. I must have hurt her really deep if she was willing to leave them all behind. We made our way up front to the casket. My heart is pounding so hard I'm sure everyone here can hear it. Julie grabbed my hand again, probably sensing my anxiety. Time seems to be going slower every second. It feels like we're moving backwards with each step we take.

We finally made it up to Lex. She looks so peaceful, almost like she's just sleeping. My tears fell silently and the longer I looked at her, the more her pain rushed through me. Why didn't I just give her another chance? That's all she wanted; just once more shot to make us work. I can't believe how selfish I was ...

We sat down and waited for the funeral to proceed. I saw Sean walking down to Alexa. Julie watched him with agony all over her face. I squeezed her hand.

[Sasha]: "Maybe you should talk to him."

[Julie]: "He hates both of us. Now is not the time." I nodded.